Doesn't want to go to school

[Arkarian]

I have a four year old who each day is really struggling going to school. His dad takes him each day as I work full time as a teaching assistant in another local school. My son attended pre school in the same school last year and has lots of friends there. Still he absolutely hates school. He will cry all the way down to school and start to cling onto my husband and get very upset as soon as the school door opens. I've been told he calms down once he's in there but when we both get home he tells me he doesn't like school and why can't I just teach him at home? I'm feeling really guilty for not having come up with something to help him get past his worry and upset of school. I have tried sticker charts, talking about what he dislikes at school, talking about what is fun at school, role playing school and teachers. He's still so very worried about going in and as he puts it "hates it" has anybody got any tips on how to calm him down about going to school and make him feel better? Thank you.

Poor you and DS. My DD went through this..it's awful I know. Separation anxiety is a real thing and my DD took a while to get over it.

I gave her a few coping mechanisms...first I named the feeling for her...because at 4, strong emotions like this are completely new to them...they can't look back and compare it to anything else they've been through.

We called it "The missing mummy feeling" and she seemed to feel better when I explain to her that this was a very real thing which lots of other children and sometimes grown ups had.

I also explained to her that the physical feelings which go along with the sadness are normal but not at all nice...and that when she felt them, to take some deep breaths and have a drink of water. If they got very bad, to tell the teacher...I spoke to the teacher first by the way.

I gave her a handkerchief pinned to the inside of her jumper with my perfume on it and told her that when she smelt it, I would also be thinking of her...because that's what Mummies do.

She did grow out of it slowly...having classmates to come on playdates definitely helped a lot...the teacher told me this creates a link between home and school which comforts some children.

She's 15 now by the way...and has tonnes of mates and enjoys school. She's gone on an outward bound camp for 5 days...these days will pass OP.xx

The point you need to focus on if that he's fine once he's in the classroom. I suspect as well as genuine anxiety the crying and clinging has almost become a habit.

My DS did exactly the same thing - all the way through infant school. He only stopped when he moved to a (separate) junior school and I don't know whether to attribute this to the fact of the other DC being older, him going to school with others, or simply that we broke the habit. I agree it is heartbreaking, and the only thing I can suggest is to see if you can find a friend for him to go in with to stop the last minute clinging- that "sometimes" helped with my DS.

It is heart breaking but as a reception teacher who sees this every year, I can tell you they all do instantly (within two minutes) completely regain composure and get on with their day. They even enjoy school and make friends.

It's such a big shock going to school especially when they realise it's every day. Obviously he'd prefer being at home but wouldn't we all!

I agree with pp, talk lots to the teacher either face to face or by email. And invite friends around or meet for play dates and trips to the park. If the children know they have something planned it creates lots to talk about between children at school and great excitement.

Would it be possible for him to go straight into class rather than having to wait for the doors to open and having to go in with everyone else?

Perhaps the teacher could give him a special job to do every morning as soon as he gets into school.

Definitely talk to the teacher to see if she has any suggestions.

I second the idea of having something special he can make contact with at hard moments like the handkerchief mentioned above. My sister had a tiny teddy safety-pinned into her pocket that she could stroke when feeling sad.

My son had a little wooden heart (the sort often sold in church shops) at this age for this reason. I think we may have had a bit of a ritual of me kissing it the night before when we were packing his bag but I actually can’t remember clearly now. It helped. There was definitely an element of performance/habit to it with him, and his nursery nurse was always great at peeling him off me at the door with a cheerful smile. It passed within weeks but was horrible at the time.

We used the children’s meditation book ‘in my heart’ at that time (coincidentally, more because he had always found it quite hard to unwind and get to sleep). One of the chapters in there is about connectedness when we are apart from people we love, so I read that one a lot and used the imagery to talk about missing mummy while at school.

I also tried different ways of demonstrating that he was in my mind whilst he was at school - things like little notes in his lunchbox, showing a photo of something I’d seen during the day which had made me think of him (often this was quite tenuous ), occasionally turning up to collect him with a random small treat (I don’t really want to overuse consumables/food as consolation/create an expectation around that, but again it was along the lines of ‘I went out on my lunch break and saw this and thought of you...’).

At 7 mine still sometimes gets a bit stroppy in the morning (at home) “I don’t want to go to school...” and I tend to agree that I’d much prefer it if we could just run away to the seaside or whatever, but [bright and breezy] them’s the breaks, I have to go to work and he has to go to school. But I’m not sure how well that would’ve worked at 4.

I think there’s a bit of a question around the balance between validating their feelings vs not enabling them to become too entrenched in an “I’m so sad about school” mindset. Hard to judge without seeing it first hand (IME hard to judge even if when it’s your own child!), but throwing it out there as a thing to consider. Sometimes mine needed chivvying out of it but other times that would be inappropriately dismissive.

This might sound counter intuitive but is there a breakfast club?
Dd2 started reception 2 weeks ago & was super clingy & upset but is loving the distraction of breakfast club, the attention from the older children & the staff and being taken to her classroom not being in the noisy melee of drop off time.
He'll get used to it - loads of children in dd's class still unsettled morning & evening. If it's still the same in 6 months then maybe there's a bigger issue.

Interesting pp saying about drop offs and i do agree the waiting to go in is rubbish and imo is what suits the teachers but really not many of the kids and some parents.
It definitely can raise anxiety and i find trying to arrive dead on time stressful but dont want a long wait as the kids mess about.
At nursery once i stayed talking to the staff for 10min and that is the only time dc2 has got upset.

Does he have to be full time? Even sept-dec dont have to legally till after xmas.