Child unhappy at school. Don’t know why - what should I do?

[vitaminjar]

My almost 6-year-old has just started year 1. All year last year in reception he was unhappy - he has really changed. At home, he was moody and would lash out (tantrums, hitting, quick to cry about things).

I went into school to talk about it, but they dismissed me. They agreed he did look unhappier than the start, but said he was fine and it was probably because he was struggling to keep up with phonics work

Although when they said this, I was relieved because that’s something I can help with! So I did, but he didn’t get any happier at all.

I went in again, asked about friendships, they said they’d keep an eye. Don’t think they did.

Anyway then the summer holidays happened and he turned back into his normal self again - happy, sweet, no tantrums, no tears. I didn’t realise how much he’d changed until he turned back over the summer.

We’re a week back into year 1 and he’s the same as he was last year. Waking up with nightmares every night, quick to cry, hitting.

I don’t know if this is normal? Is this how some children are, without anything being “wrong”?

And I don’t know what to do about it!

It’s an “excellent” state school with a reputation to match...

Does he have a different teacher this year?

I would ask to see them and tell them how he changes once he is at school. Can he tell why he is unhappy?

Did he go to pre school, was he happy there?

Bullying maybe? Is he struggling with work/sight/hearing? Has he made friends?

He does have a different teacher - that’s a good idea to set up a meeting with her early on. This summer, I was a bit head-in-the-sand hoping it was a reception thing and he’d be fine this year

He went to a private nursery part-time from age 2, and absolutely loved it and and thrived. We thought - as did they - that he’d be great at school.

I’ve asked him why, but he doesn’t talk much. He told me last night that he doesn’t like the new playground - and that’s why he’s cross. (He might not like the new playground, but I doubt that’s what it is all about!)

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD I’m worried about that. I talked to school about it last year but they said no. He has one strong friendship, I’m not sure how the dynamic is. He seems very happy with they’re together, but it has crossed my mind that the kid may not all that nice to him...

What does your son say? I appreciate that he is young, but does he tell you things about school? Can you make some opportunities to get him talking? It shouldn't be an interrogation, but he'll have the answers.

Ask him who he played with, who made him laugh, what his favourite bit of the day was, what he had for lunch, what was new today, etc. Hopefully he'll get used to sharing some of his thoughts with you.

We've found that DD opens up most at bedtime, when one of us is tucking her in. That's when she shares any worries - they just pour out sometimes, when she's tired.

Of course, do keep asking the school to help - maybe his new teacher will be more helpful.

What is he like in the school holiday?

Exhaustion can cause bad behaviour, and for some children formal school settings are very difficult. My dd hated school, she still does. There is no reason apart from the fact she hates being told what to do all day, and has no freedom to express herself. He may be similar.

Organise some play dates to help him bond with new friends. Ask him to draw his day, use the traffic light system for emotions.

LetItGoToRuin he’s not great at talking, but I’m going to try harder to get things out of him in a clever way! I like the “favourite part of the day” idea.

sailing - he’s great in the holidays. Back to the child he was! Happy, plays well with his sibling, no tantrums, no baby-voice. I wonder if he doesn’t suit school so well too love the idea of getting him to draw his day!

The more you ask the less he will tell you! I was a therapist was back and have found that if I prattle on (with gaps to let people jump in) as if half-talking to myself - that opens people up!

I remember my primary one teacher... she always smelled of coffee and cigarettes! Oh she was so funny... I loved reading but didn’t like maths very much... but I peed my pants once when she wouldn’t let me go to the loo - oh I was so horrified!... I always liked the custard at lunch.... bla bla bla. If something chimes with him he will join in.

Maybe it’s big and there are loads of children - so it’s hurly burly?

Hi OP, it's so hard to see your child unhappy with school. My son sounds very similar to yours and is not much of a talker so hard to get things out of him. Asking 20 questions gets me the answer to maybe one...LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD has given great advice to get him to open up. My son has a condition called Selective mutism and without going too much into it, this is exactly the strategy we use to get him to speak to people and it works!

As a priority I will first try and understand what bothers your son and why he is unhappy. Without knowing this, it will be hard to resolve. I do think that kids are not just unhappy with school, there usually is a reason and he most likely cannot articulate it. I would advise you to definitely speak to the school and the teacher and get their input into how his day is going, who are his friends, who he plays with, who he chats to, is he laughing there...they spend the whole day with your child and should know this. If not...then that would be a concern for me. You do need a caring, involved school to support you and your child in this. He should not be unhappy there and once you know what his concerns are, you can then begin to help him with the support of the school. His previous teacher sounds very dismissive so hopefully this will not be the case with his Y1 teacher.

Best of luck and I do hope the situation improves for both of you.

Thanks all! This is such great advice. I think it is a bit hurly burly in the new plygrojnd - and it has occurred to me that bigger kids might be being a bit mean.

This morning, when I said “time for school”, he bit his brother (he’s never done that before), threw down the laundry, chucked my shoes and refused to put his socks on (the only part that is normal!).

The biting and the tantrum isn’t normal behaviour for him at all. And he cried in the classroom - something he’s never done before or at nursery etc.

The school were very caring and good with him, his classroom looks lovely. I wish I knew if this was normal for some kids or he’s going through something that can be tougher

(I did notice a few tearful other children this morning, too...)

Ask to speak to the SENCO (not wanting to go to school, school anxiety is a special educational need as it prevents a child from accessing learning to their full potential and should be taken seriously by the school). And join the not fine in school group on Facebook or look at their website. They have lots of files containing advice for approaching school etc.

My DD had a similar change of behaviour and was similarly closed about it, although a bit younger 4-5yo. She did say she did not like a boy at school after a lot of prodding but did not give any details...finally after months of this she managed to tell me that the boy was very mean to her and I finally understood. The teacher was also quite shocked that this had been happening but put an end to the boy's behaviour and DD returned to normal.

Is this week 2 of term then? That usually is the ‘week of tears’ normally anyway (“What???! I have to come back????!”)

Ah it’s so hard isn’t it? My son is 8, just started yr 4. He has never really liked school. He’s ‘ok’ with it when he’s there, extremely well behaved, never causes any problems, academically doing ok (although I think probably not as well as he could - he’s terrified of making mistakes/getting things wrong so doesn’t try new/more challenging things which I think he would actually be very capable of achieving)
Every morning the first thing he says when he wakes is ‘I don’t want to go to school’. He is aggressive, shouty and difficult to get up and out of the house. He’s diagnosed autistic and with anxiety and does struggle with friendships and social interaction which makes it all harder, although he does have friends at school.

Things which have helped us: learning to recognise, identify and talk about feelings (we see a pyschologist privately for this but there are lots of workbooks you can do with your child which will help), Lego therapy (delivered by TA), weekly session with Home School Link Worker to just chat about his week/any worries he has, “worry book” - we wrote in worries before school each day and he would show it to class TA who could then reassure him about things, bribery (ie he gets rewards for ‘good’ mornings - pick a reward you know will really motivate - in our case either Lego or more iPad time!)

You need to make an appointment with class teacher and SENCO, explain how much of an impact school is having on his iOS/behaviour/mental health and ask them what they are going to put in place to support him. Work with the school and hopefully you will soon see some improvement (although I have accepted, somewhat reluctantly, that mine is probably never going to love school)

The other thing which helped us was to do lots of play dates to help build friendships - he still has far fewer friends than his twin brother but he’s got a little group of friends to play with at break and lunchtime and that definitely makes a positive difference

Hope things improve soon, I know how awful it is seeing your child’s personality change as soon as the holiday comes to an end :-(

When you talk ask him questions like “did anything make you laugh at school today?” or “What part of the day made you feel sad?” as often kids can relate to the specific emotion. Just asking them if anything’s bothering them can be too big a question for them to articulate.

Even now at 13 if I ask DD what she did at school I get told “nothing” but if I phrase it as “did anything exciting happen today” she opens up 9 times out of 10 and I find out lots.

This one friendship you mention, do you know the child at all or their parent? It may be an idea to suggest a playdate for them both so that you can see how this child is with your son?

Other than that, I would suggest just generally ask him about his day. Ask him what he did during playtime, who he played with, what he ate, what lessons he had, how were the lessons etc. Don't ask if there's anything wrong specifically, but encourage open dialogue. Hopefully when speaking generally he may be able to give you some insight in to what is going on.

I would also suggest having a private meeting with his teacher and just bringing forward your concerns, they can then work with you in doing the best for him.

I know some children sincerely dislike school, but his reaction suggests something is bothering him.