Tricky situation - do I speak to school?

[madnessitellyou]

Have nc. Please don’t flame me.

Dc is due to be going into y4. One of their classmates has some sort of behavioural difficulties. I’m not sure if there’s any sort of diagnosis - not my business, clearly - but they do have a 1:1, lots of special equipment etc.

Every lunchtime, this dc, let’s call them D, gets to pick 3/4 dc to play with. Either in a separate classroom if raining, or under supervision outside. The issue is that D picks my dc’s close friends and as a consequence, dc spends much of every lunch alone (my older dc has related this to us. Older dc has allowed younger dc to hang out with them and their friends but older dc has now left the school).

My own dc struggles with the social side of school hugely: school knows this. Dc is incredibly introverted and finds it hard to join in the games of other friendship groups. Dc tries but is excluded. It isn’t an ‘easy’ class.

Dc has been upset at the thought of another year of solitary lunchtimes all summer. While it’s great that D is getting the support they need, and I don’t expect D to be picking my dc, the fact my dc is always alone isn’t ideal.

What do I do? The adult in me wants dc to be a little more forceful and try to join in and improve resilience. The parent in me sees an 8 year old who finds school difficult and is often alone because friends are sent elsewhere at lunch.

Do speak to the new class teacher, it will help them to know as much as possible about the class dynamics. Most of the teachers I know would want to support your daughter in this situation, and it's best if they are aware of the issues from the outset. If they know Dd is struggling, they will try to help.

Dh thinks I should see how it goes, but I’m thinking like you say to tackle it right at the start of the year.

I'd definitely speak to the teacher. It's great they're supporting D but they should maybe rotate it so all kids get to play with D. Do the kids Dnpixks have any say in this?

I’m not sure but it’s the same kids every lunchtime.

I think they should rotate, but if I was d’s parent I’d be concerned it would almost seem tokenistic, and indeed other parents might not want their dc playing with D (there has been some physical violence from D).

Horrible, sad situation for D really.

Ignore the child with SEN, as you say they are none of your business and the school won’t talk about them. But do go and speak to the school about your child and their social isolation, how their best friend is never available to play with them meaning they are spending lunch alone and the impact this is having on them. Ask that they do some work to support your dc socially, including allowing them to play with their friend.

Speak to them from a POV of concern about your Ds reporting being lonely at lunchtimes. Don’t bring the other child into it.

Thanks, I absolutely won’t bring D into it.

Yes I would speak to them.

Be honest, as you have here and ask what they think would be the best solution.

It could be changing the friends D picks, it could be staff facilitating your DC asking to join other people's games at play time, it could be working on your DC's resilience, confidence and social skills (perhaps in a small group), it could just be that new teacher is aware s/he's worried and does a quick check in around play times to reassure.

The school can't do anything if they don't know there's a problem. If they do you can work with them to find a good solution

Yes do speak to school...it's good they're helping D, but not if it's isolating your ds.

Maybe mention that your ds has mentioned he's lonely because all his friends get to play inside and he doesn't have anyone left to play with, that now his brother has gone he's worried he will have noone to play with.

Yes, I wold speak to the new teacher at the start too. Very helpful for a teacher to know as much about the class as possible.
Obviously you have to mention that your dc's friends are not available for your dc to play with as they are being asked to support D, otherwise it will sound as if your dc doesn't have friends / has got to Yr 4 without making friends, and that is a different scenario from what you describe.

Yes, I agree with BackforGood I think it's important you explain the situation with D as it relates to DC (although you can make it clear obviously you don't expect the school to share any information about D's needs/support plan with you)

definitely speak to them from the start of the year. we had something similar a few years ago where a child picked who they wanted to have with them in their room at lunchtime and the children picked had no choice but to go even if they didn't like the child or wanted to run around outside. Schools mean well with this type of thing and it is a great idea but often I think they don't put enough focus on HOW to work it and they just do it without enough planning