Thinking of moving DS to private - would appreciate any thoughts

[BloodyMaud]

Basically DS is just coming to the end of Reception at his very lovely, Ofsted outstanding state primary. I have very few issues with the school, and his teacher this year has been fab. But - he has some ASD traits (not enough to get a diagnosis so far) and sensory processing issues, and is finding the busy classroom really overwhelming. He isn't able to concentrate and because he's basically very well behaved he just disappears into his own head and falls off the radar a bit. He's got some fine motor difficulties so has made poor progress with writing this year, and is generally feeling very demotivated and like he can't do anything. We obviously do things with him at home and try to build up his confidence but I feel that he needs to be in a quieter environment with a bit more support. We've found a lovely private school locally which seems to fit the bill - classes of around 12-14 with teacher and TA - and by reputation very good at helping children who need a bit of an extra boost in confidence or more 1-1 support for whatever reason. It's got good wraparound care and extra-curricular activities as well, though the site is very small - they have to go elsewhere to use sports fields etc - compared to his current primary which has lots of open space.

But - I'm worried we haven't given him long enough in his current school. Maybe the more structured environment in Y1 will suit him better than the madness of reception. And I worry about taking him away from the friends he does have and the place and routines he's got to know. Maybe I'm just being precious and he needs to learn to manage for himself a bit better. It's also a really tiny school and he has a very sociable and outgoing younger brother, who I'm worried it won't suit so well in 3 years time.

DH is very pro the private school. I'm very conflicted, and we really need to bite the bullet soon, partly so we can start explaining to DS what's going to happen in September. He went for a taster morning yesterday and liked it - but equally likes his current school. He said he wants to go to the new school but with his current teacher... so his input hasn't been terribly helpful! Would be really grateful for any thoughts even to help me sort this out in my own head.

Tricky. It could be that Y1 is better for him as you say. It was for my DD (not ASD but other SN). Is he young in the year?

Would you be able to move him to the private school mid year if needed - sounds like they are not super full?

Will you get a state place for DS2 if DS1 is not there? Would you consider sending them to different schools?

Oh and sorry another question - how much of a stretch is it financially to go private? As of course, those funds could otherwise be used in other ways which will be good for him.

Can you afford private for both children? To be honest my dd with autism struggled through the younger years but is a lot happier now in year 3. Structure in year 1 might suit him better. Less play and more rules. It really depends what he likes and needs. We were put off by a couple of private schools as they weren’t as supportive as we’d have liked but I appreciate not all schools are like that.

Have you had a conversation with his current school to see how he’s coping?

Thanks mini - he's young in the year, yes. He's not 5 until the end of this month.

We could move him mid-year, definitely, and I think it's not a bad idea to see how the start of Y1 goes, but my husband (and actually his current teacher agrees) he'd settle better starting in September when the others are at least new to their teacher too. We probably would get a state place for DS2 as it's a faith school, though to slightly complicate things we're also planning eventually for work reasons on moving closer to the private school - we currently live midway between the two - and it would be a bit far to keep going to the current school. So he'd be likely to move at some point anyway, though not for a year or so. There are also good state schools in that area though. I'd have them at different schools if we could manage it logistically, though I worry sending one to private and one state might be something they perceive as unfair later in life, even if they were the best schools for each of them.

It's not a huge stretch as actually my DM has offered to pay, and she can comfortably afford it. She offered when we were first applying for schools but I thought we'd try the one he's at now. We'd obviously pay for uniform/ extras, so more than we are now, but not loads. I also worry a bit about taking so much financial help from her, but it's relatively usual in our family for grandparents to pay for education, so it doesn't feel like a massive leap.

Just one thought to add to the mix. There have been many examples on MN of SEN children being ‘managed out’ of private schools. Obviously, it depends on the school and the nature of the SEN, but private schools can pick and choose, and state schools basically can’t. You mention that your DS has some ASD traits and sensory processing difficulties, and of course there’s no telling at this stage how things will pan out for him, but he is more likely to get access to help, should he need it, through the state system.

I would check what provision there is in the private school for any additional help, if all needs to be paid for privately it soon adds up in ££
Also look at the ethos in the school, if it is results driven then you may have issues along the road if your DC does not fit their profile.
Both of my DC had some SN ( dyslexia and ASD) and have attended state and private schools at different times, when DC with ASD was young he was able to access more support in state school, however once older we chose a relaxed, less results driven more child centred secondary school which worked really well for him.
You have to go with your gut feeling to an extent, and don’t be afraid to move them if it isn’t working.
Also be aware that it costs a huge amount of money, is your mother in law aware she might be paying school fees till your DC are 18, it’s a long time, most secondary schools cost anywhere between £10,000/18,000 per year depending where you are, so if you have 2 children it’s a lot of money.

Are you in SE London by any chance? If so, I have a cautionary tale for you. I could have written your post a couple of years ago. My son has sensory processing issues and (then undiagnosed) ADHD. We decided to send him to the ..."lovely private school locally which seems to fit the bill - classes of around 12-14 with teacher and TA - and by reputation very good at helping children who need a bit of an extra boost in confidence or more 1-1 support for whatever reason. It's got good wraparound care and extra-curricular activities as well, though the site is very small - they have to go elsewhere to use sports fields etc."

It was a disaster. Despite all their nice words, they didn't actually want a child who was going to make extra work for them. He was managed out in reception in a very brutal way. He has now also been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder which the mental health professional seeing him believes is directly attributable to his time at that school.

If it was me, I’d move him. 12-14 instead of 30 in the class will make a big difference.

WE did exactly this with ds1. He has dyspraxia, dyslexia, sensory processing issues, very emotionally immature/sensitive. probably mildest end of ASD spectrum in reality. Ds1 appears bright, interestedly and enthusiastic but in reception in a class of 30, busy playground of 2-form entry (i.e. Standard size) primary and constant phonics (which he doesn't get) he did not thrive. His behaviour at home was impossible, although perfect at school. He spent a lot of time sitting in corners hiding and avoiding reading and writing. SChool constantly said he was just 'not matching our expectations' and ignored our concerns. I think they thought he was dim and we couldn't accept it. I don't think the school was hopeless - plenty of friends with totally straightforward kids have had no issues, and I'm sure it would have been fine for most kids. We were scared he would start refusing to go and about DS getting turned off education.

Ds1 started a local prep in yr1, now finishing yr3. 1-form entry of approx 16 per class, with teacher and FT TA until end yr4. we still get a lot of defiance and poor behaviour at home and since ds2 was born some sibling jealousy. HOmework is virtually impossible. However, school is 1000% better. THe staff are so flexible, supportive and individual. THis is obviously easier in a class of adult:child 1:8! School recognised phonics wasn't working and gave up on it - DS was reading chapter books by end yr1. writing very slow to improve but he has had lots of 1:1 support and we are creeping along. curriculum is broad and deep, not just English/maths so the focus isn't entirely on the areas DS finds hard. HE loves the detail in the music theory (hopeless musician tho), literature, history, biology etc they do from a young age. DS has been using an iPad and keyboard in some lessons whichever has helped. Has loved the high quality school productions, and I have felt that some things my state school obsessed friends consider 'pointless', like poetry recitals, weekly judo and yoga, everyone however rubbish playing solos in concerts etc has helped ds' social skills and confidence ++.

for a bright, motivated child with parental back up, I think any reasonable school is likely to get good results in all domains. Ds1 is definitely benefiting from his prep school at the moment. some of his uber talented all rounder classmates are probably getting less benefit, even though they will undoubtedly go off to 'better' seniors.

We spent last year obsessing over what to do for Ds2 who starts reception in sept. He doesn't have any of ds1's difficulties and seems 'average and normal'. We decided to send him to our local primary and then consider a move for key stage 2 or even just for secondary. PArtly to save money but also because I do think local schools should be used where possible. However we were thwarted by not being allocated a place at our nearest catchment school, or our second choice. Both are oversubscribed ('good') and we are in the edge of the catchment area. Our allocated school was in a village outside the city (only 2.8miles away) in the opposite direction to ds1s school and our work. Plus no after school club. So ds2 is starting private school in sept as well!

Who knows what will happen!

Bad part is that cost of two at private school means we will never be able to move to a bigger house. We can't have it all though.

I could easily have written this when my DS was in reception. We stuck it out, and he is now in Year 5. It's been up and down, and we are almost certainly moving him to a more nuturing, private secondary. It's very similar to what a PP said further up.

My DS is bright, goes quiet and flies under the radar a bit at school and then explodes at home. He doesn't get much support at school unless I fight for it, which is exhausting. I wish that I had moved him sooner, but I can't go back and change that now.

My oldest started in a private school for similar reasons. Best decision ever, and worth ever penny.

If you select a school focussing on pastoral care and support (and not an exclusively results driven one), it is an amazing experience.
once school fees are paid, there are hardly any extra costs (uniform is similar costs to local state schools).
If you can afford it, do it. from what i see in swimming lessons etc and what i hear from other parents, most state schools are so stretched, they can only focus on the real talents, and the really naughty kids. the quiet, in the middle ones fall off the radar - there is just not enough resource.

I did this with one of mine from year 1. It was the best thing we ever did and they moved back into state at 11 where they have absolutely flown. However, if it’s a co-Ed school and 1 form entry then really dig deep because by the time they reach year 4 or 5 the social issues of a small class come to the fore. If it’s co-Ed then what’s the cohort like? If there are only 6 or 7 kids of the same sex will they gel? Does the school mix year 3-4 and 5/6 for sports / playtime. This is really important otherwise if they don’t have a great class it can make friendships hard.

You mention ASD traits.

What’s their attitude towards children with SEN?

DS1 has ASD. He was at a private primary school for a few years, but we were eventually told to find another school, basically because they couldn’t / wouldn’t deal with the extra support he needs as a result of his ASD. We know that he’s not the only child with SEN who’s been managed out of this school.
This quote from pp matched our experience well: Despite all their nice words, they didn't actually want a child who was going to make extra work for them.

One thing our school said was that they had difficulty accessing SEN support from the LA - which was believable, given the funding problems councils have.
But it did sound like a bit of an excuse for asking us to remove DS1, given that the school didn’t at any point ask us to fund any private support ourselves.