Two schools + child with SEN

[MaryJaneP]

Hi. I'm looking for advice really. As the title says we currently have two young children in different primary schools (not through choice) and the eldest has ASD, ADHD, language issues (not yet formally diagnosed despite trying to get a formal assessment from for over a year now - another long story). We think that moving him to his younger sister's school would be catastrophic and he wouldn't cope and there is no option for my younger child to move to the other school because it has a long waiting list. We've been told we don't qualify under the "exceptional medical and social needs" category because he isn't deemed bad enough, only being on the SEN register and not having an EHCP. We've done two schools for a year and it's put us all at breaking point and my husband is now severely depressed as a result. My son screamed for an hour today after I had to get someone else to pick him up because I was at the other school (I usually pick him up and ask a friend to get my other child). He's also getting anxious in the afternoon at school and being sent to sit in the office. People seem to feel that his needs are minor because they're not obvious but as I say it's left us at breaking point and we are not sure how to cope with another three years of this. I'm completely at the end of my tether and the two school situation is exacerbating his difficulties significantly.

Is picking DS up earlier an option? We have had children who leave 10-15 minutes early, if hes spending time in the office due to anxiety caused around pick up then finding ways to ease that anxiety is to the school's benefit as well as yours.

How did they end up at separate schools? Only asking because it's relevant. And what wraparound is there available at both schools?

Oh no that sounds really stressful, I would suggest starting the EHCP process with or with out the schools support.

Maldives. Yes, I think that's what we need to do although I think we will be doing it alone. The school don't think he will be eligible for one but I feel he will need a lot more support at secondary level as he is already struggling.

Attache - we moved house after our son started and are now 100m outside catchment so it's our own fault so to speak. However if we'd realised how much our son was going to struggle then perhaps we wouldn't have moved, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Somewhat frustratingly a lot of the kids who attend the school live quite a lot further away due to a peculiarity in catchment area shape.

Sad Otter - yes I think that's what we will have to do. We've been trying to avoid him missing school and the social time of coming out of the classroom but we are at breaking point and he is very stressed so want to minimise that as far as possible.

Wraparound is fixed £15 fee for after school club.

I'm sure Maldives' advice is sound and absolutely do that to help your son, but I'm not sure it will necessarily solve the 2 school issue. The problem is that you are wanting to use it to move your other child. Whether a sibling's SEN would be a strong enough reason to push your daughter's needs into the category of special circumstances... I don't know, it seems a bit of a push. I'm not an expert in the least, but my understanding is these things normally centre on the child for whom you're applying rather than siblings. I'm only guessing and I'd be delighted to be proved wrong. I think it's really significant here that your son's school is so oversubscribed and not able to accommodate even in-catchment children, so getting your DD in from out of catchment is going to be really difficult.

You don't need an EHCP to arrange a different start or finish time for your son.

From the outside, if he is not really coping at the moment, are you sure moving him would be worse? My son's also autistic and moving from infant to junior school - which was completely unavoidable - did cause some issues, but sometimes these things are genuinely unavoidable. A child moving from MS to SS is another example. It is scary but you know his current school with the current set up is not working, and you're not getting the help you think he needs from them. A different school might be more engaged in helping him. It just takes one teacher to see it.

I suppose the other option is put your daughter in wraparound, one of you picks DS up and the other your DD later on - basically be kind to yourselves by avoiding chasing round like loons, and minimise the impact on DS by shielding him from the double pick up. It doesn't feel very robust though. I totally get the relentlessness of struggling to keep the show on the road and you are 100% right that you need to take your own mental health seriously.

Eek, can't believe I waffled on so long. Sorry!

Thanks for the suggestions - it's very helpful just to have someone who can empathise a bit! I very much see the EHCP as a separate issue (and something we need to start applying for once we've finally got an official diagnosis) and have accepted the school situation will be like it is for next three years. Putting my daughter in wrap around care would make everyone else;s lives easier but she is still just 4 and also we can't afford £75 a week unfortunately. My husband works 40 miles away so isn't able to help. I think the suggestion of picking my son up early every day is probably the easiest for all concerned. I still think moving schools would be incredibly challenging - we've thought about it a lot but it's a large inner city primary which is noisy and chaotic and I don't feel that my son would cope in that environment. My daughter loves it though!

There are of course no easy answers or you'd be doing them already.

You could consider having different things on different days. I know inconsistency is not ideal for your son, but he will already be used to days if the week being different. He probably has PE and assemblies on set days for example, and that repeated pattern is comforting. My son's strongest ASD trait is probably his need for routine and structure - when he was 4 he wrote himself a timetable for how he would spend his evenings after school, and we live our lives significantly constrained around his routines. But even that first timetable he wrote had different things on different days. He's always had nursery days, home days, and weekend days. When he started school he had 2 days of after school club, 3 days of me picking him up and weekends. Personally, he is fine with that and as long as he gets his expected Monday thing happening on a Monday - whether that's after school club or me - he is fine.

Sorry I'm being long winded again. I think our constraints are similar to yours - DH works FT over an hour's drive away, I work PT, DS absolutely needs his routine but that doesn't mean every day needs to look identical. DC go to after school club 2 days a week. DH does one after school club pick up at 6pm and he drops off one morning a week. His work seem to cope fine with him leaving at 4.45 once a week. Are you sure there is no mileage in a slightly more complex system, even if it's just after school club for DD on a Weds? There may well be days when it's not that convenient for DS to be picked up early, Eg if they have PE or assembly last thing. A cast iron routine doesn't have to be exactly the same every day, it just needs to be the same every week.

It is relatively unusual for children to be in after school club 5 days a week. When you both work, sometimes work just has to fit round pickups a bit, and sometimes the children just have to go to childcare for a bit. Perhaps you need a bit of that mindset to help with your lift situation, even if you are not both working (?)

Yeah, I've been through every option that I can think of and it's definitely the case of finding the least worst! I agree that routine is very important, my son is the same. He can as you say adapt to different routines on different days as long as he knows what he's doing in advance. The problem at the moment is the pick up plan is changing hour by hour some days and the adults don't know what they are doing, let alone the kids! I spoke to the after school manager and she felt quite strongly that my son wouldn't cope - we tried holiday clubs which are similarly noisy/chaotic and he just spent the time spinning or in the corner. It's the same for most parties too. I've also approached all of the childminders in the are and one was helping us a few days a week but she's had enough of all the required paperwork so has moved to another job. My husband has no flexibility in his job and is never home before 7.30pm. I think as you say trying to find a consistent weekly pattern is the best we can do. Friends have all offered to help but often at last minute they have a dentist appt, or their child has a playdate or they have to see a teacher etc so that's also been challenging. GAh! Anyway - I really appreciate all of your help and suggestions.

Have you thought about moving them both together, to a third school?

You don't need a diagnosis for an ECHP, and you don't need the school to request one, you can ask the LEA to assess yourself.

pinklizzy - I've explored this option but the only one we are in catchment for also has a large waiting list unfortunately so not looking like a viable option. Mummy0ftwo12 - I am thinking of doing this but unsure at our chances of getting one? Don't want to go through the process now if it's extremely unlikely he will get one. Also, trying to decide when would be the best time to do this.