Feeling responsible for classmate

[flitwit99]

Ds aged 7 is good pals with a kid in his class who is undergoing assessment for adhd and autism. I don't think there is any doubt about the add, he is very hyper much of the time, has bursts of really being quite manic almost. Despite this he and ds are good pals and play really well together, in school and at home.

However, the class teacher seems to have noticed this and pairs ds up with the other boy as often as not. He has separate activities at certain times, such as when the rest of the class are having quiet independent reading time, something my ds really enjoys. More and more ds will say that instead of reading time he got to go into the other room with the other boy and do something else. On a school trip recently ds and the other boy went round the park together with his 1-1 support worker which meant that ds didn't get to be with any of his other friends. When he comes home from school he will often comment on how he managed or didn't managed to help the boy 'get control'. On days when he has managed this he is really happy, other days he comes home feeling a bit upset that no matter what he did the other boy was not able to 'get control'. This is not right, is it? Surely his happiness in school shouldn't depend on whether or not he was able to help another boy control his behaviour.

I mentioned it to the teacher in passing the other day because I couldn't decide how much of a thing it really was, and she said she had noticed ds was a good calming influence and was "using that to everyone's advantage". What does that even mean?

They go to the same beavers group also and last week ds said that he always gets put in the same group as his friend to try and help him calm down. He said the leader said to him "Go in that group with Jimmy and see if you can help him calm down a bit". I don't think the teacher has been so blatant about it though.

It's parents evening next week so I want to decide what I should say. Or am I being selfish and if ds can help his friend out that's a good thing? Or is it ds who is making too much of the 'job' he feels he has been given when maybe that wasn't the teacher's intention at all?

I think it's unfair to place some much responsibility on a child, being honest and I would mention it. Of course he can still be friends, but not the one on whom all of it falls. Bit of a cop out from adults to make your ds the calming one.

Your son will feel under pressure to do “his job”. This is entirely unfair on such a young child. It will be taking a toll on your son in many ways - affecting his learning, friendships, and confidence as well as causing stress. Please speak to the teacher. We had a similar issue with our son who ended up refusing to go to school as felt unable to cope with the pressure of his “job”. We also witnessed it with another child in class who was being used all day by the teacher to translate for a child with no English. That child also started to refuse to go to school.

Does DS seem keen to do it? My 1:1 has a good friend who is a fantastic influence and makes my 1:1's life (and mine) 100 times easier, friend will pop up and offer to help all the time, they offer to help everybody with everything, its just the kind of child they are. I politely send them away quite often because I feel bad about them helping too much and missing out on things, but that's because I have siblings with autism and know how draining it is to be used like that all the time, if I didn't know from that side I'm not sure I'd think of it as the child is always so happy to help. Could your DS be similar?

I'd mention to the teacher that actually you don't want DS paired up with him all the time and are worried he's missing out on things and feeling too responsible. Its kind of DS to help out occasionally and I'm sure sometimes he enjoys the other stuff they go off to do but its not his job and its not fair on the teacher to use him like that too often.

We had this with our DD and a child with adhd and autisim, i quietly reminded the teacher and the Head that my child was there to lean not to help keep another child company or be there to keep or help him calm down thats the schools job not DD x

I think there is an advantage to your son to help his friend but it shouldn't be all the time and he shouldn't miss all his opportunity for independent reading or for socialising with other children. It should also be clear that he can't always succeed in calming him down so he doesn't feel it's his responsibility.