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Original poster

Safeguarding? What do I do about Y5 and frequent sexual references?

26 replies

MerryMarigold · 06/03/2019 08:48

I a not a teacher so I have no training in this and this is why I am posting here. A child in my son's class (they have been friends for several years) is 'always talking about sex' (according to my Ds). Ds has mentioned this on a few occasions. He also said he looks at everyone when they are changing for PE. Yesterday, ds said his friend said something DISGUSTING. He didn't want to tell me, but I assumed he mentioned it because he wanted to talk about it so I asked him at bedtime when he's more relaxed. He asked "Would you rather suck Miss x's boobs or Miss y's boobs?" (both teachers in school).

I am not sure what to do about this. His mum is a TA in the school. Also, ds is due to go there for a sleepover on Sat (mum is helping us out) and I don't know what to do about it. Dh doesn't want him to go on the sleepover now (he doesn't actually know what has been said as he only got as far as the 'My friend is always talking about sex' bit).

I don't know what to do regarding the sleepover and regarding the comments, whether to approach mum or the school.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 06/03/2019 08:51

No way to sleepover. Report the rest to head teacher

azulmariposa · 06/03/2019 08:53

Report to the safeguarding lead at the school. This info should be on the schools website.
I wouldn't let him go to the sleepover either.

christinarossetti19 · 06/03/2019 08:54

Yes, email the head or head of safeguarding to say that you have significant concerns about a particular child and make an appointment to go in for a face to face meeting asap.

Write down everything that your ds has told you and give this to the head/safeguarding lead.

And yes cancel the sleepover with an excuse.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 06/03/2019 11:04

Yes speak to the head and cancel the sleepover. Its harsh, I've been there. Its great that your DS has talked to you.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 06/03/2019 15:09

Thanks. I didn't want time cancel sleepover as I don't want ds to think it's a punishment for being open. Any ideas how to approach with him so he doesn't feel punished?

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 06/03/2019 15:13

Do you really think I shouldn't talk to mum first? It could be that be needs tighter monitoring internet. His family seem lovely, know mum reasonably well since kids been friends for a long time. Mum (TA) v close to deputy head of school. I don't want it coming out who has said something. If it were the other rest round I'd feel a bit betrayed.

OP posts:
christinarossetti19 · 06/03/2019 15:19

You know the people involved best Merry. IMVHO, parents tend to downplay/minimise what their children have been exposed to and what effect it's having on them. It's likely she'll be defensive, then it's going to be trickier to formally report it, as she'll feel very undermined.

Re: sleepover. You say that this is to help you out. Either let him go because it helps you out, or explain to ds that your plans have changed and that you will talk about a sleepover another time. It's not a punishment, it's because you're concerned about what he has told you and you don't want him to be exposed to comments etc that he finds disgusting in a situation where he's in the person's house.

Sunflower1989 · 06/03/2019 15:27

Over sexualised behaviour can be a sign of abuse. That's why you shouldn't bring it up with his parents first. Take it to the HT. You'd never forgive yourself if something came out later on and you hadn't reported your concerns. Good luck x

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 06/03/2019 15:51

Thanks for good advice Christina. Asked who is safeguarding lead and yep...It is the deputy head. I don't fully trust her to be confidential so I think I'm going to have to speak to mum and just let her know I'm speaking to safeguarding.

Thanks for advice. Any more thoughts would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Ragh · 06/03/2019 16:09

I don't fully trust her to be confidential so I think I'm going to have to speak to mum and just let her know I'm speaking to safeguarding.

Noooo! This is a terrible idea. You have no idea how importantly school will treat a safeguarding disclosure, even more so with member of staff potentially implicated. Everything will be confidential, I can assure you. As PP have mentioned, overly sexualised behaviour in young children is often an indicator of abuse. Not necessarily physical but it will be investigated professionally. Don't give your friend a chance to "cover her tracks". If the worst is true you'd never forgive yourself, and if there is an explanation then no more harm done

StealthPolarBear · 06/03/2019 16:25

Please don't let him go to the sleepover! It would be an even bigger punishment if he was exposed to very damaging stuff, surely

admission · 06/03/2019 17:26

You should not talk to the parent. If you do not want to speak to the deputy head about this, then you should arrange to speak to the head. In fact thinking about, given the parent is a staff member of the school, it absolutely should be the head you are talking to. You need to phrase it as want to speak to the head about something that your child has told you and nothing else until you are talking to the head directly unless it might be directed elsewhere.
In the circumstances the head teacher should be listening to what you have to say and then reporting the conversation to the LADO (Local Authority Designated Officer) who is responsible for making decisions around safeguarding issues that involve school staff.

MaFleur · 06/03/2019 17:32

You really should not talk to the parent. The deputy should not be safeguarding lead if she cannot keep confidentiality. There will always be multiple safeguarding people. The head will likely also have some responsibility. Ask at the office, do not under any circumstances say why, and say you would like to speak to someone about safeguarding other than the deputy.

PotteringAlong · 06/03/2019 17:37

Do not, do not talk to the parent! Tell the school; leave it with them.

KTD27 · 06/03/2019 17:37

please do not talk to the parent
Sexualised references and behaviour can be a sign of abuse. I know it may sound extreme but you have no idea how often this happens.
The DH will absolutely be confidential in so far as who made the disclosure. She/he may need to speak with the parent and the child depending on the investigation

KTD27 · 06/03/2019 17:39

Oh and also to add it’s likely that there is more than one safeguarding lead so there are others you could report this to. You could also report to the head who would then deal with it according to safeguarding procedures

typoqueen · 06/03/2019 17:50

i personally would speak directly to the head, we had similar with my son many years back now, it turned out the young man had an older brother and older male cousins, he was picking it up from them

ballsdeep · 06/03/2019 17:54

No please don't say to parent.
The deputy / staff will have to be confidential, they can't not be in this situation

ballsdeep · 06/03/2019 17:55

And he's obviously seen or been exposed to something. I wouldn't let my son have a sleepover

Wolfiefan · 06/03/2019 17:57

NO to talking to the mum. Absolutely don’t do this. You must tell the safeguarding person at the school. It’s their job. At the very worst you could put this child at risk by talking to the parent.

Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme · 06/03/2019 18:00

First rule of safeguarding is not to speak to the parents.

You have a legitimate concern- speak to the school. Stay away from the parents.

barryfromclareisfit · 06/03/2019 18:04

As everyone says, do not speak to the parents. Stop the sleepover - get a sudden urgent visit to a relative. Report to safeguarding lead or head. If you can’t do that, phone the NSPCC and get advice from them.

ballsdeep · 06/03/2019 18:27

If he's saying it in school the teacher or someone wlse may have already reported it so don't worry but definitely go and see the head

christinarossetti19 · 06/03/2019 20:14

If the dh is the head of safeguarding and you're worried about her keeping something confidential, speak directly to the head.

Yumyumbananas · 07/03/2019 00:13

You can report concerns directly to the local authority rather than to the school. Or via NSPCC. They will contact the LA who will contact the school and this can be anonymous.