Looking for advice, behavioural, low-self esteem 8 year old.

[MissSunflower]

Hi,

I am not sure I am writing this in the correct place, but I am looking for some advice as I am feeling a little lost and not sure what to do.

It's a fairly length post, so will just try and keep it brief.

My son is 8 years old (yr 3). Ever since nursery, my sons behaviour has not always been great, to the point that on several occasions I had to collect him due to being a danger to other children. He was assess twice by a SENCo, but he was an 'angel' (as the staff termed it) on those days and nothing was further done.

When he started primary school, his behaviour continued. He is not as violent was he was, but he will have out burst of hitting children or poking them with objects, for no apparent reason.

Over the years at school his self-esteem has dropped dramatically and he no longer believes he can do the work and automatically gives up. He is behind in his subjects, properly because half the time he is sent out of the class room due to his behaviour. He can become extremely emotional as well.

There are times when he just zones out, and it looks like he just sees through you, times he is very argumentative, refuses to do anything. He very rarely sits still, and continuous on the move. Even at home if he is playing on is computer he stands, giggles, wiggles, prances about. He doesn't have great coordination either.

The school have placed various 'activities' to try and encourage 'good' and 'ideal' behaviour, from day 1. From what I have gathered, these various activities only seem to work for a few weeks and just get forgotten about..or they may work for a while and then he has a good run of 'good behaviour' so the activity is disregarded. I had a meeting with the Head end of last year about an incident, to which i also mention what was happening with his currently 'activity' or plan, to which she laughed saying 'oh it probably didn't work'. Further to this conversation was added that he won't last at high school if this behaviour continues.

I ended up speaking to the SENCo of the school yesterday as I have barely been involved in anything do to with my son and his current needs at school. I was told they have now placed a new 'behavioural' policy/plan for him, and she suggested we could wait to see how that works. I declined and asked to see her as soon as possible, clearly because I have been kept out of the loop so much. I also questioned if anyone has actually assessed my son, on the grounds of trying to drill down further and figure out what his triggers are/whats going on/why is this continuously happening/is it certain time of day/ why aren't these 'activities' working for him. Her response was 'well he isn't on the SEN Register'.

My son has no IEP, or Statement/EHCP, nor has any diagnosis. But to me, it is clear there is some form of barrier to his learning, possibly leaning towards SEMH. He was assessed for Dyspraxia in year 2 - to which I only found out when I got the letter in his school bag containing the outcomes of the assessment. He didn't 'tick all the boxes' therefore no diagnosis, but confirmation on his gross motor skills needed work on, his balance and core strengthening suggestions.

I am currently feeling quite alone at the moment with this.

I have an appointment booked with the SENCo tomorrow lunch time. So my question is at the moment, should the school be following the graduated approach (assess/plan/do/review) in order to drill down into what is actually going on with my, even though he has no IEP/EHCP and not on the SEN Register, in order to try and place the right invention, to help him through school? I am panicking a little in what to say and worried I may miss questions out, or come across the wrong way.

Thanks. x

Wow it does sound like the school haven't been very proactive either in their communication with you or in getting to the bottom what is up with your son. It's great you've insisted on a meeting with the SENCO. I would push for an assessment either through an ed Psych. or via a referral (I imagine this will be more difficult). If you can afford a private assessment I would go for it but they don't come cheap (£500).

Thanks BIgBagofJelly,

No they haven't been at all proactive at all, and I personally think that they are just rowing activities at him for the sake of it and to avoid assessing him.

Thanks for the advice.

Poor you, it’s difficult when you send them to school and then spend all your time worrying about them! I have a daughter in Yr 3 who has additional needs. She is partially deaf and is falling behind in work, especially Maths. She doesn’t have behavioural problems as such, but she has poor concentration and the teacher has to put in lots of work to keep her on task.

I was going to say to you that it would be a very good idea to have your son assessed if possible and then try with the school to secure an EHCP for him. We are going through this with our daughter and it’s a long process. We are doing this now so that it is in place before she transitions to high school which is likely to be a stressful time. Hopefully she will then get the support she needs to make the beginning of high school a success.

If your son is getting into trouble at school and finding work tricky, his self esteem is likely to be quite low. My daughter does struggle academically at school as I said, so we give her lots of opportunities to have successes out of school. She is super active so does gymnastics, horse riding (in good weather!), skiing on our local dry ski slope and is about to start a climbing course. She doesn’t always want to do these things initially but she always enjoys them once she got used to it and she feels so proud to master new skills. does your son do any extra curricular activities that could boost his confidence a bit?

Hopefully you will be able to work with the school to get your son the support he needs. At the very least they should be discussing with you the strategies they are using in school, so you can have an input and reinforce what they are doing when you’re at home. Best of luck x

Have you considered ADD or ADHD? You need to take him to your GP to request an assessment. The school cannot organise these assessments for you, but I’m surprised they haven’t recommended them. He sounds like a frustrated little boy to me who can’t help himself within the confines of expected school behaviour. Also, I don’t think the school have actually tested him for dyspraxia. I believe this is a medical diagnosis that no school is qualified to make. Communication from the school is clearly poor but you need to ask them about this tick box sheet and what it was. The school has a duty to meet your child’s needs, and you can help them by finding out if a medical diagnosis will be helpful / necessary.

I'm also confident school cannot diagnose dyspraxia.

How are things at home?

Sunflower, I am so sorry to read your dilemma and totally sympathise with you. This seems to resonate with my own son's experience when he started school. As someone mentioned about partial deafness, I do hope you have had his hearing checked thoroughly...? My son, after years of glue ear/low self esteem, got his hearing aids, and things changed for the better. It is "mild deafness" that goes unnoticed, and until the consultant actually picked it up, we were clueless (school counsellor ££, teacher meetings, etc). I hope this has been done for your son: it's not his fault if he is not behaving appropriately- something's behind it.
You must have looked into rewards, going through/explaining any different activity that may change his routine every day (along w teachers support), what he can expect will happen. There is a particular SENCO regimen school should have undertaken for this young child.
In any case, I do sincerely hope things start looking up for your son and yourself soon. My sons self esteem has only shot up (same age as yours) and we keep giving him the support needed: anything is possible when you give a child the opportunity & he builds on his confidence. As someone mentioned, work on something he enjoys, so he knows he can excel. Every child has immense potential; show him that and build upon it. (If he is falling behind at school, get him a tutor so you can build him up before it is late.) I wish you best of luck.

Oh and discoordination also has connections with hearing.

Sounds just like my son! Does he have a flat patch on back of his head? Any other issues with his body ie pains on joint on one side? Bed wetting etc? I was very, very lucky to find out my son had APD caused by incorrect spinal alignment. In particular it effected his vision. Your son is tired and I feel that something is out of whack. You can go ahead with an ed psych and see if it picks up on anything specific. I did and didn't find it too helpful tbh. Other wise if you can get a sensory assessment done.

Sorry above should say SPD not APD.

Do you mean sensory processing disorder?
Caused by incorrect spinal alignment?
Sorry what??!

Have a look at livesinthebalance.org or the book The Explosive Child. Lots of behavioural management techniques used in schools inadvertently make things worse.

@drsprouse yes. Why so shocked?
Specifically suboccipital compression from a mild undiagnosed torticollis at birth. My son presented with a weaker right hand side initially, suspected dyspraxia. Thanks to poor balance, vision, etc. He went for countless tests. Eventually he had pain in his right heel, then his right knee, then his right hip. He started wetting the bed regularly aged 8. Docs found a partially slipped vertebrae in his lower spine. And yes it had messed with his whole development of his sensory system since birth. He's been treated and doing just fine now.

It's just that sensory processing disorder is a symptom (rather than a specific disorder on its own) found in children who have neurodevelopmental conditions such as ADHD, ASD etc.

It's not recognised by the DSM as a separate disorder, though I know paediatric consultants/child psychiatrists do look for such difficulties but only where children have another neurodevelopmental condition.
And what you describe isn't such a condition.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensory_processing_disorder

Are you a Doctor? I don't personally trust Wikipedia as a source, but sounds like you know what you are taking about? Am happy to put you in touch with the docs who helped my son? This all happened overseas. Here in England it seems it's all about labels. Give the kids a label, a few interventions perhaps to help them cope. But what about the root case? Yes, my son's teacher thought he may have ASD and dyspraxia but failed to notice the pains down the right hand side of his body which didn't quite add up. So he saw the top pediatric neurologist at a teaching hospital. We got a second opinion from another pediatric neurologist. He went to a leading integrative medicine clinic where GPs and pediatricians worked alongside osteopaths and other specialities. The osteopath we saw was also a fully trained GP fyi. The doctor who referred us had said that most doctors do not realise that they can help but since she had seen huge improvements in both adults and children we should give it a go. The neurologist fully supported them and how they helped my son. While he had a lot of improvement with balance/coordination/vision after osteopathy it was not the end for him. He also continued integration therapy. And the neurologist supported this also.

I'm not a medical doctor, no, but my point about linking to the Wikipedia page is not that it's accurate on all medical facts, but that it is true that SPD is not in the DSM, and there appear to be good reasons for that.

The medical community is split over whether SPD should be an official stand-alone diagnosis, and this has been debated for many years. Thanks to forward thinking medics I was very lucky to have my son helped. I did not see it this way at the time though and only recently realise how lucky we have been. I have met mums with kids who have their labels and recieved very little help, just behavioural interventions, and it saddens me.

**OP - I hope you understand my point is if it looks like dyspraxia but isn't quite, and nothing quite fits, it's something to consider? Your DS sounds like he might be sensory seeking and also frustrated.
I know of two other boys who have also been helped having similar problems as your DS.