Reception child - sad and no friends

[StarUtopia]

So DS started reception in September. He's a bubbly little boy, tall for his age though so towers over the others. Knew quite a lot of the little girls from his nursery and they played with him in nursery but don't want to know now.

The boys in the class seem to be in two groups. The nice little boys and the trouble makers. The nice little boys don't want to DS to play with them in case the trouble makers come over too. DS doesn't want to play with trouble makers but they're the only ones offering so target him, give him nice attention, then push him away.

So basically DS has managed to get himself, at the grand old age of 4 , into no mans land.

Three boys in particular are targeting DS daily. Minor things, but most evening in the bath he has little bruises all over him from where they've poked, prodded, kicked him etc. DH told him to stand up for himself - finally he did yesterday and he was the one that got into trouble from the teacher. One of the little boys who's caused most of the problems for him came out with Star of the Day!

I'm at my wit's end watching my lovely little boy upset because no one wants to play with him.

For reference, he's never had a problem out of school. Quite the contrary he's quite popular. Lots of friends with siblings of his sister (slightly older kids)

What can I suggest that he does? I have already spoken to the teachers and said he needs help. They've started to engineer situations, but they seem to walk off straight away after placing him in a group - which son then says, the minute the teacher walks off, the kids tell him to go away

He's in tears most nights.

I wouldn’t let my little boy cry every night. And I certainly wouldn’t let him be poked, prodded and nipped. I was bullied myself and I know how damaging it is. And ostracising a child IS bullying. I’m afraid I’d switch him to a different school immediately and keep him at home until then.

Can you move him ?

It's a fabulous school. My daughter is there too. It just seems like this particular mix of children in this class.

I do agree though that ostracising is bullying - the teacher doesn't seem to agree though. Says they all go through a period of adjustment and he just needs to work out for himself how to make friends.

That's the bit I'm not happy with. How do I get this through to this teacher that it's not ok? Surely they should be keeping a very close eye on him?

Just how often can I go in? I'm going to become one of those parents..

Oh OP this is so sad how upsetting for you both.

I think you’ll have to go back to the school and explain that what they’re doing isn’t working. I get that there’s only so much they can do to encourage friendships but it’s not acceptable that your little boy is coming home with bruises regularly.

If the school can’t / won’t help any further I would probably think about moving him too if that’s an option. Seems rather drastic but I couldn’t bear the thought of my son being so unhappy.

Best of luck.

Sorry but it doesn’t sound like a fabulous school. Your child is being physically bruised by bullies and is crying every night, and the teacher says he’s not being bullied and is victim blaming by saying it’s his fault because he hasn’t learned how to make friends.

If you’re not going to remove him then you need to escalate to the head teacher and make a formal complaint about the victim blaming attitude of the class teacher.

There are strategies that they can use to help like the circle of friends stuff, and they should be doing that if they are a good school. It will happen in all schools at some time, and it is how they manage it that is important.

I would be looking at other schools if they cannot/will not come up with something.

Moving him isn't an option and it really is a fabulous school. I have had nothing but positive things to say until son joined this year (different teacher to who daughter had I might add)

Cosmic thank you. I wasn't sure whether I could do this yet, or whether I had to follow some kind of protocol.

I just wasn't sure if I was over-reacting - this is a Reception teacher with 20+ years experience who says this type of thing goes on between the boys at this age.

He hasn't refused to go into school yet, just looks dejected most mornings and spends a lot of the day huffing and puffing about (which I think I would be doing too if I didn't have a friend to play with )

I think if the teacher isn't really listening then you need to go higher and ask for a meeting with the head and insist more is done to ensure your little boy doesn't grow to hate school before he's barely got started.

He's 4 and still needs adults to help him negotiate tricky situations. I would be asking for a meeting with class teacher and the head. I'd want to know how they plan to promote kindness and inclusivity in the classroom and playground. If they were less than supportive in their responses and actions I would remove my son from that school and find one that values his safety and emotional well being. 5 months of your son being the target of other children is an awful long time in his little life and he needs you to step in and protect him from this. Please don't dilly dally any longer.

Thanks all. I like that suggestion about promoting kindness and inclusivity. The irony is, my DS is very kind and it was even commented on at the first parents evening.

These children are only 4 so they are all learning social skills and they will all occasionally be mean to one another. I don't think labelling children as 'nice' and troublemakers' is particularly helpful. I'm sure their mums think they're adorable. However, if three of them are targeting your child daily that needs to be dealt with by the teacher so I would have another word with her. Don't accuse her of 'victim blaming' though. Listen to her. If he is struggling to make friends you can help there. Are there a couple of boys he likes who you could invite home for play dates?

Why can he play girls? My ds was more friendly with girls rather than boys in Rec/ks1. Also I really don't think there aren't many truly naughty children at this age. They are just immature.

At this stage, the parents' influence is still strong, so if you set up play dates, meet up at the park etc, there are more chance your dc find friends to play with at school, I think.

I think you have a few separate issues. Firstly it's not acceptable your child is bruised and crying and the school aren't reacting. I would insist on more bring done and escalate my complaints until they are taken seriously.

The second issue is the mixture of kids. This is less of a problem. I doubt any of the kids are really that bad they're just young, immature and by the sounds of it not being well supervised. Friendships are very fluid at that age.

However the school should be doing more to tackle the issue.

How sad for your little boy.

Unfortunately, even experienced teachers can ignore/fail to deal with bullying. I would make an appointment to see the teacher, show her your son's bruises and ask what the school intend to do to stop the bullying.

Good luck. Don't worry about being one of those parents. You're just caring for your son. X

The “nice little boys and the trouble makers” . They’re reception. It’s a horrible way to talk about such young children and I wonder if your son has picked up on your attitudes and whether it has affected his interactions.

Wallis I admit, not phrased in the best way.

By the 'nice' boys, they genuinely are lovely boys who are never in any trouble, play nicely, polite etc etc. Parents are all super friendly and approachable on the playground. The 'trouble makers' are kids who are struggling with their behaviour and actions on a daily basis. Parents blaming the school and everyone else except their child. Known to be causing the issues and initiating fights etc.

He could well have picked up on my frustrations as I have told him to play with the nicer children (obviously I name them) and steer clear of the other ones.

He does play with the girls. That's not an issue BUT the girls don't want to play with him every time.

Some of the 'nice' boys he is friends with - out of school. In school, they tell him (whisper to him) to 'go away' because they don't want the 'trouble makers' to come over too.

I'm struggling to articulate this but I do feel he's got himself stuck in the middle being ostracised in general.

Oh and as for the 'trouble makers', I would say deliberately kicking children (not just my son), hitting them on the head with metal spoons, throwing sand in their faces isn't just being immature. It is nasty behaviour that should have been well knocked on the head by the parents by the time they start school.

Definitely ask to meet with the teacher on Monday. Explain what’s happening. If the school fail to do anything about this consider homeschooling. Does he have any friends or not? Perhaps you should invite them over for a play date or lunch or something.

Oh and as for the 'trouble makers', I would say deliberately kicking children (not just my son), hitting them on the head with metal spoons, throwing sand in their faces isn't just being immature. It is nasty behaviour that should have been well knocked on the head by the parents by the time they start school.

That kind of behaviour isn't at all unusual in reception. There were two in particular in my eldest's year who were very much like that. Now in Y2 one of them is very gentle and sweet. The other a bit rambunctious still and a frequent flyer on the "dark cloud" but not a malicious boy. I think they were overwhelmed/over excited starting school and it exacerbated their immature behaviour.

The only bit which is unusual is apparently the school aren't dealing with this behaviour. If this is a recurrent issue the boys should be closely supervised and supported for their own sake and the safety and happiness of the rest of the class.

Thinking of the kids in the class as "good" and "bad" isn't helpful.

It seems very strange that boys he's friends with outside school suddenly think he's going to attract the "bad" kids inside school. That isn't normal four year old behaviour. I would insist on a meeting with the class teacher to get a better idea of what's really going on (you won't get a particularly clear picture from a four year old's description) and what can be done to support DS.

i wouldn't let this go on. yes speak to the school but honestly if he can't be transferred to another class i'd be changing schools asap (like easter break).
i couldn't bear for one of mine to be hurt like this.

He has plenty of friends outside of school....and some of those are kids in his class!

Just in school, he gets told to go away. He honestly plays really nicely with them and they're happy to be with him. Never had an issue.

I think for some kids groups can be an issue. Dd has played wonderfully at the park with some of her year group but that didnt build into friendship in school. The other kids had better friends.
But i found it an issue that breaks dont seem to be supervised by teachers and the scum of it was too much for dd and she was in trouble a lot (especially lunchbreak).
schools imo need to remember that the kids are largely not older than ones in nursery and i wouldnt leave a group of 4yo to play in my house or watch from far away and not expect issues.

Invite one or two of the boys round for play dates. And cultivate friendships with the other mums so that they can encourage the boys to play with DS.

Helix I think you've hit the nail on the head.

I'm not impressed tbh that reception kids are out on the main playground with the rest of the school when they have their own playground. It means that just whoever is on duty is watching - who probably isn't even aware who my child is, and the fact he's even in reception (he looks more like a year 2 child)

We've had some play dates which have gone really well. I then ask DS, has so and so played with you in school and he says no, they told me to go away.