Reception aged DD cried for most of the day

[iwasagirlinavillage]

DD1 started reception in September. She has been back at school for a week after the Christmas break. Today when I collected her from school, her teacher asked to speak to me. She told me that DD had been crying for most of the morning, saying that she misses me and had been completely inconsolable. After lunch she was better as she said to her teacher that she knew I'd be collecting her soon.

She is a very anxious child. She has had many hospital admissions and health problems in her early years and that made her quite untrusting and clingy. Then her Dad and I separated just after she turned 3 and he hasn't been very consistent with contact and it affected her a lot. Almost 2 years on she still talks about wanting us to be together. He has been better recently and has them EOW. This weekend she was with her Dad. She always comes back seeming completely exhausted, stressed and quite manic in her behaviour. It's as though she can't calm herself down and has a tantrum or bursts in to tears very easily. Yesterday when she came back, this was even worse than normal.

On top of this, I have been "sleep training" her and her sister. They've both always been bad sleepers and in recent months they would both come in to my bed in the night. I previously allowed them to as I felt they needed to comfort and reassurance, plus it was the best way for us to all get the most sleep. But I made a decision that everyone sleeping in their own bed, all night would be better for everyone as we'd all get more sleep and be happier for it. I've done this very gently though, for both of them. With DD1, I've got a reward chart and she has responded well to that. She's been getting herself to sleep and staying in her own bed all night. I've also reassured her that I'm not far away and if she's unwell or upset she can come to me. But now I'm worried that it's this sleep training that has unsettled her. I feel like she needs extra comfort and reassurance but I don't want to undo what has already been done, and is working well.

I'm concerned that she's going to be upset at school again tomorrow. I asked her today why she was upset and she said she felt sick but said she didn't tell anyone. I don't know what to do to reassure her and make her enjoy school again. She enjoyed it last term and this is the first time her teacher has had to speak to me about anything like this. Her teacher knows that she's very sensitive and she seems to have a good understanding of her. DD1 really likes her teacher and has friends at school. I just want her to be ok and I don't know what to do to help her.

Any advice or reassurance greatly appreciated.

You sound like a great mom.

She sounds like a really anxious child. Anxious children need lots of reassurance and planning. Plan with her what her day will look like before, during and after school. Plan a nice treat after school which can be related to her reward chart. Get a calendar and mark the days she will see her father. Perhaps give her something of yours which she can wear to remind her that you are also thinking of her.
It’s great she is sleeping in her own bed and she knows that she can sleep with you if she feels unwell.
Be consistent with how you respond to her and try and minimise any further changes.
A lot of children regress and struggle when they return back to school from the holidays. I’m sure she will settle when she has again established a routine.

Oh gosh, it seems like you might need to go back to a 'gently gently' approach. She's obviously upset/insecure about something. I'd go the other way for now, let her sleep in your bed etc if she wants to. Also when DD was in reception we both got matching bracelets so she could look at it and feel that a little bit of me was there during the day.

I'm not for one second saying that you're not but perhaps a very kind and gentle approach is right just now

Thank you for the responses. That's a good idea about marking days with Dad on a calendar. I'll do that.

I've also heard of this matching bracelets but didn't know if they would be allowed at school?

She's got a scarf that I made for her, I'm going to spray some of my perfume on it and she can wear that to school today. I can't think what else I could give her that she could take to school.

Hopefully she'll be better today.

Bless her, what time does she come back on sunday evening from her dads? Could it be that she feels she doesn’t see you in the evening then she goes straight to school in the morning so therefore misses you more?
Maybe see if you can bring the time earlier (says if it’s 5/6pm) try 3/4pm then she has a few hours with you before the rush of school time?

They come back at 4pm and, as it's always been tricky, I always cook a roast (which she loves) so she knows what she's coming back to.

She's saying she feels sick this morning. I don't know if that's caused by her feeling upset/anxious or if she's been feeling sick and that's why she's upset. I don't know if I should send her to school or not. I'm at work today but my Dad is off work and could have her today.

If bracelets wont be allowed at school, what about a keyring for her school bag? I found a three part one if her sister would also need to be included. 2 part ones are pretty common.

I'm not there with you, but I think I'd stick with the sleeping in own beds, but lots of cuddles and reassurances before bed. Good luck!

Thank you for the link to the keyrings. I've ordered them.

I've decided to keep her off of school so she'll stay with my Dad today. I'm hoping she'll have a nap at some point today. She's so tired and a decent sleep would do her the world of good. She's not eating much which is very unlike her.

On the plus side, they both slept through the night which they've only ever done simultaneously once before!

My daughter has selective mutism which is an anxiety disorder that causes speech and communication difficulties. She’s also struggling at school. Something that’s been suggested on a Facebook group is a button sewed on to the inside of jumper/cardi and you have the same button on you at home. If she rubs the button then you will feel it at home and will send her some love and happy thoughts. That may be of some comfort to her?
My daughter (she’s 5 now) has only just started sleeping through in her bed and even that’s still a bit hit and miss. I was always reluctant to sleep train because of her anxiety but we did it eventually (took about 8 months!) with stickers and a treat after 7 days and then gradually stretching the amount of nights she had to do to earn a treat. If she’s high anxiety at the mo I
Might possibly leave it a few weeks so she can cuddle up with you at night. I know it’s annoying when they’re so big but you’re her safe place and she might need you a little bit more right now.

The thing with the sleep training is that I'm not actively doing anything now. I take her to bed, give her a cuddle, tuck her in and then I go and get her sister to bed and tell her I'll be back to check on her after. She's usually still awake when I check on her, at which point I give her a cuddle and have a little chat (her mind seems to be going a million miles an hour at the moment) then I tell her I'm going to go to the living room so she can get herself to sleep so she can get her sticker in the morning (last week 3 stickers in a week got her a treat, this week it's 5) I tell her I'll be back to check on her soon and when I go back after 10 minutes or so she's asleep. And she's been staying in her bed all night. If she was upset at bedtime or in the night, at this point as she is unsettled, I'd let her get in with me. But she's not expressing any kind of distress or upset, so I don't know if it is that. But I worry that she is upset about it but feeling like she can't get up in the night because she wouldn't get her sticker.

The idea of sending a comfort item of yours to school is always a good one, what about a photo of you or the old classic, kissing her hand so she can always put your kiss on her cheek?