How do I deal with DD refusing to go to school?

[Imafrayedknot18]

She’s yr 4. Anxiety and dislike of school growing since yr2. Otherwise, really good student, gets on well with most kids. Have been asking school to support her since yr3, but weekly chats dropped after half a term and anxiety returns. Complicating factors with particular friend being very controlling. Now refusing to go at all - angry, upset, self-esteem through the floor. You get the idea. So, I could homeschool - 1:1, would be able to carry on with her curriculum and expend to her interests, try to get her confidence and positive sense of self back. Have asked school for a period of authorised absence where she would be educated at home with school guidance until we can find out underlying reasons and try to get a plan in place for her to return to school - she has friends there and some bits she quite enjoys - but school are not going to allow it, so I am faced with trying to work with school while ed welfare are breathing down my neck, OR de-registering her straight away and just getting on with her education & recovery at home straight away - no thinking space, clean break? Am just worried she will think she has failed - where she is right now - but would prefer that to dragging her through what I imagine will be an adversarial road to disappointment. Just want it to be the right thing for her. Any advice?? TIA x

It’s just, we are in a bit of a crisis. School have not helped so far and they have had her for 4.5 years to get to this point........she built a den for the first time in 5 years today. Think she is withdrawing from the world :( School just worried about their attendance records. Think am answering my own question..........
There seems to be no-where we can turn for actual useful help? Have tried to get hold of a local psychologist for assessment to see if there are any underlying issues, but that will take a while.

I think you’re right that you’ve answered your own question As you say, school have had 4.5 years and clearly aren’t willing.

Whether or not there are underlying issues, that environment isn’t working for your daughter. Is HE a viable option for you for the foreseeable?

Other people are probably more knowledgeable about what school should be doing and how to approach the situation, but didn’t want you to go unanswered

One other route you could take (places permitting) would be to move to a new school. Would that be preferable to homeschooling for either of you?

I would look for a different school for her. Another school nearby could be the new start she needs and it will give her the opportunity to meet new friends.

The school is not able to grant an arrangement where they give authorised absence and you electively home educate. It's not an option for schools so please don't think that they are being obstructive that way, regardless of any failure to address the issue.

As a school-refuser myself as a child, I am not convinced that HE is the right approach in the long term. Yes, I would have loved it initially, but it doesn't deal with the underlying causes. For me these were severe anxiety and low self-esteem/self confidence. I think a psychological assessment is very sensible and I would pursue this as a matter of urgency. What have school suggested? Would half days be a possible compromise in the short term?

Other than the friendship problem, do you know why your child has such low self esteem and anxiety? Are there other things affecting her in her life now or in the past?

Thanks for your replies. Yes, I could HE - lots of things we could do as well as maths & english, Would aim to get her back into school - different setting might work. At the moment she says never, but hoping that would change. Was just hoping school might authorise a week away from the classroom so we can get a plan together, no more than that. Reading around, I have made a GP appointment - why didn’t HT suggest that?? Pretty basic - we have no clue how we should handle this. Finding our way gradually, which is why I’m on here :) Self-esteem wise, probably very complex! Most current is a difficult controlling friendship making her life miserable. I am trying to get an Ed Psych assessment so we can try to find out what we need/can do to help her, but I don’t think that will happen any time soon. Have asked school again if they can refer, but the last time was a no because she works hard and is bright.

every situation is different but for one reason or another our school phobic child ended up out of school whilst he waited for support to be put in place and this gap in education had a negative impact.

it really affected his self esteem - it took away the idea that he was competent to do school and reinforced that he couldn't cope, he got out of the routine of getting up and going in and it made 'school' into an even bigger monster.

It would have been better for him to have something like 1 Friday off and to go to the seaside and then return on the Monday to a changed situation. Perhaps a shorter day with the aim of building up, going for some therapy in the afternoons, or a 1 to 1; or one of the many strategies that would allow him to escape the room if it got too much.
Just to give you a different perspective.

I agree you should see the GP urgently and say your child has school anxiety to get a referral for the counselling and they might have some good advice.

A CAMHS referral might be an idea.

You could pay for a private EP assessment. A lot of schools have very minimal EP time due to budget cuts and tend to prioritise statutory assessments so you may be waiting a very long time.

Have you spoken to the senco?

Can you change schools?

I think we’ve all had a job we’ve hated and didn’t fit in properly so a change may be the way forward and get her away from the main issues

Go to the GP and see if she can have a medical note -

FB have child anxiety groups and well being getaways and workshops and parent classes

Kerp on school roll so you can access LEA out of school support
Get anxiety diagnosis
Access LEA tutor or small group
Referral to CAMHS
Visit www.notfineinschool.org.uk

Look up "emotionally based school refusal" best practice guidelines North Somerset

Or Google
not fine in school UK

In a similar situation we moved schools to one with strong pastoral care. The difference in self esteem is astounding and he is a different child. I hope something similar works for you - I know how heartbreaking it is .

I moved to a much gentler, old fashioned school and that solved the problem, though it did mean school fees.

A quick update - thankyou for all your advice. I took it on board and joined all the groups mentioned. School were absolutely awful. DD & I had a meeting with them. It devastated her, what the HT was saying, which was basically rubbish. We de-registered her that afternoon. She was at home for a term to rest and be loved. We found a small girls school - they expect a lot of their girls but very nurturing and lots of fun. She started after the Easter holiday. It was fraught. Her hopes were very high, but so were her anxieties. It was very difficult and she missed two days. She had an amazing teacher who made me cry once. This term has been much more positive. She is very much changed - anxieties less, independence and confidence growing, aced her reading and CAT assessments, made lots of new friends, feels very much valued/at home/included. Enjoying school. The trust between us is very strong. She knows now, there is nothing weird/wrong about her and it wasn’t her fault - that’s what she used to say, every day. She doesn’t say it anymore. It’s been a particularly difficult year and I am still feeling fragile, but thanks for the advice - it was desperately needed and really useful. Hopeful for the future - she says she wants to move up to the senior school with her friends :) If I can sum it up - she is losing her fear.

I should say - have changed name since the OP.

Lovely update

Wonderful to hear! People underestimate how traumatic a negative school environment can be. Well done for acknowledging your DDs struggle and finding a solution

Thankyou, both X
We feel very lucky. Just awful to know so many children & young people are going through a similar thing, and lose out massively because of it.

Great news