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Primary education

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Should I mention something to teacher?

8 replies

HC4U · 09/01/2019 13:21

Hi. My ds is 8 a very happy and bright guy and full of questions. He has always been happy at school and his teacher this year is really nice and they are learning lots. Here is where I am not sure should I say something or let it be. Firstly I want to note here I am the mum of a special needs child my other son and understand first hand the challenges parents have around education and friends etc. My son who is 8 and at school has been friends with another boy since creche days. Initially when they started being friends I did notice the little boy was quite similar to my other son in some ways and now I know my other son was drawn to this boy probably too as a result. Anyway fast forward a couple of years, where my son is still friendly with him and he brings him to our home to play - but always with this boys older brother. I never minded that, its always lovely to have kids friends here to play. But I did start noticing that this other little boy would go off on his own and not talk or engage with my son on playdates. Leaving my son playing with the older brother. My son would tell me when he was in at this boys house he just plays video games and the boy won't play with him. So ignoring all of that I am through my own experience seeing that this little boy clearly has some needs. Confirmed recently when I brought him to the cinema and he roared when movie came on and covered his ears. He is 8 too. My son that has special needs still wears headphones to the cinema and I had a spare pair at the back of his chair so I gave them to this little boy. I was cross that the Mum didn't mention anything as he was very distressed and here is where the problem with me is.. She has never mentioned to me that her son may have some needs. Now of course its not my business, but in some ways if he is in my care on playdates it would be good to know. Plus she cannot but know my own son has needs so its not that I wouldn't understand. Then - apologies for long winded post. My son is sitting now beside this boy at school and he continues to disrupt the table my son is at and he is getting upset and doesn't want to go to school because he said he cannot concentrate as this boy keeps bothering him and taking his work and then when they are put in group work, this boy doesn't do what he is told and my son then feels he is getting in trouble and not doing well as a result. I know kids don't understand and please understand I do understand the challenges that this little fella may be facing as I watched my own son isolated and not fitting in and craving a friend. So my little son is very aware to be kind and just have a little extra patience. But this morning my son was very distressed going into school. I feel disloyal against this family - despite me not knowing anything at all if this child has additional needs per se. if I say anything to the teacher re. moving him - what kind of example is that especially when I know how cruel kids and parents are when your child may not be "normal". I understand too why they have been paired together as the boy told my son recently that his Mum asked for him to sit with him. Maybe its the Mum I should speak too and not the teacher, although I am not sure what to say after all these years and she has never said anything to me. Thanks!

OP posts:
catkind · 09/01/2019 16:17

Did you not have a conversation following the cinema incident? I would at least have asked if he had reacted like that before. Maybe said that his reaction reminded you of your other child. Ditto after the play dates when he doesn't interact with your child. It may be more awkward to ask what's going on now if you haven't before. But maybe you could just have a chat with mum or dad when they pick up from a play date? Sort of "I just wondered if you know X doesn't really interact with A when he comes here, A does enjoy playing with Y and we're happy to keep having them over, but is X okay with it like this?" kind of thing.

Fundamentally though you don't need to know if the child has a diagnosis, you have observed how he is and can reasonably ask if any exceptions need to be made on that basis e.g. I know he didn't like loud noises at the cinema, is he okay with (xyz).

And yes I would mention to the teacher. For both their sakes. It doesn't sound like the friend is getting the support he needs.

typoqueen · 09/01/2019 16:18

I would more than likely speak to mum about it, just ask her if his behaviors at yours are the same at home, and if you should just let him get on with it or is there something you should be doing ie as in what she normally does.

HC4U · 09/01/2019 17:17

Thank you! I have decided since I posted the post to meet up with the Mum. I did mention it to her after the cinema to say her son was very upset with the noise. She just dismissed it and said oh he is like that with every noise and moved quickly on.
I know myself through our own journey the little boy has some needs and I am not sure what I am going to say or even anything but I do rem when my own son was very very small and not having one Mum in his class say anything to me or invite him to parties etc. that it can be very lonely. So perhaps its her way of keeping him still in with the kids and in truth its none of my business. My son's parent teacher meeting is coming up next month and I might just say is there a chance of moving my son to another group for a little while to see how things work out then. Thank you all, I think I just needed to clarify my own thoughts.

OP posts:
BIgBagofJelly · 09/01/2019 22:30

Next time he comes to your house I would mention something kindly to the mum, perhaps ask if there's anything you can do to make him more comfortable and mention that it's no problem as you have experience with your other son.

If your son is so anxious about school I'd probably arrange a meeting with his teacher. You don't have to go in "complaining" about this other boy, you're just pointing out that your son is having issues at school and the teacher can perhaps help him with them.

incywincybitofa · 09/01/2019 22:42

I think teachers gain more strength for additional support for a child if other parents raise the impact that child is having on their child.
At school this boy disrupts your son's table but what the teacher can evidence is the patience and kindness she sees your son display not the upset that he feels.
Likewise if the boy works well enough with your son who is catering to his needs then she can't really intervene to place him with a child who seemingly can't cope with his behaviour.
If the teacher can evidence that none of the children can handle intense periods with this boy she has more evidence in support of him having a support package in place.

HC4U · 10/01/2019 09:12

Thanks everyone. My son told me last night that he knows his friend is a little different. I have discovered also that as of this week he is now at a table with two other kids with additional needs and there is a special needs teacher at the table too for one of the girls. So a lot going on around him. I am so proud of him and that his teacher has clearly put him beside these kids as he is very good with them. However it is impacting him a little in his own way. But we had a really good chat last night about how proud we are of him for being kind and patient and understanding. He is having some playdates with other kids now over the next few weeks and I think that will help. Thanks again!

OP posts:
HC4U · 11/01/2019 13:32

Hi all, just wanted to give you a quick update. I met with the little boys Mum this morning and I didn't have to say anything. She told me she was finding it very hard with her son and his behaviour was awful and that they had decided to get him assessed. I hope I was supportive to her and they are on their journey now I guess. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
catkind · 11/01/2019 15:20

Good news. That they're working towards getting help and that she feels able to talk to you about it. It must be a help for her to know someone who's been through the assessment process. Well done you and your DS.

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