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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Schools friends decided by parent cliques!!!

42 replies

southerngirl10 · 30/12/2018 17:23

I'm an older mum. I remember when I was in Primary School and mum would hardly attend school - and I WOULD CHOOSE MY OWN FRIENDS!

These days, sadly, seem to be gone. Now it's all parent cliques. Parents bond in the playground or get to know each other in or outside of school and their children become friends.

This is how I see it. Am I wrong? I hope I am.

I would like to hear from other parents who think of their children first and ask them who their friends are in school and who THEY would like to play with or be friends with.

I see parents who think another parent is cool and they want to be friends with that parent at school so they get the children together.

SHOULDN'T THE CHILDREN DECIDE. SHOULDN'T THE PARENTS STAY OUT OF IT!

When will it all end? Do parents step back a little in High School? Or do we have the parents with the biggest family group, the most money or the best job, dictating the popularity stakes in our school classes!

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SoyDora · 30/12/2018 17:27

My DD is in reception and it hasn’t worked that way for her so far. My close friend’s daughter is in her class but they don’t really get on! She’s made a lot of new friends whose parents I don’t know.

SalmonLeBon · 30/12/2018 17:28

Other way round here. Kids have become friends first, and the parents then make the effort to get to know each other. In some cases, we become friends, others not so much.

DameSquashalot · 30/12/2018 17:32

I was pleased for DD to start school and make friends without our influence. There are some adults that I really like, but DD is not close to the children, and some children that she's good friends with but we're not close to the parents.

I do see your point because when it comes to playdates etc it tends to be the children of the adults that we're closer to I think.

2isabella2 · 30/12/2018 17:45

I don't tell my daughter who to be friends with but naturally she sees some of them more out of school if we are friends with the families which probably influences it. Some of these families we have become friendly with since the children became friends though.

Original poster

southerngirl10 · 30/12/2018 17:52

Phew! Thank you for your replies! I was beginning to think I was going mad! Great to see children choosing their own friends - of course they should!

I do worry that it's class thin though.

I'm originally from Wales. My sister says that, just as the posters so far, her children choose their friends.

I live in Brighton. Is it different in the south-east? Is it a class thing?

OP posts:

strangerthongs · 30/12/2018 17:57

its a bit of both TBH at my DD's school.

some kids are friends because their parents are, and some kids don't like each other despite their mothers being besties.

DD has made her own friends so far, nice bunch of kids

IamPickleRick · 30/12/2018 18:17

Yes. This has happened at my DS school. My friend has had this issue too, she works FT and found that her DD was never invited to play dates. However she is now that my friend has gone part time and built more rapport with the parents. I am a SAHM and a bit alternative so found that I wasnt invited in to any cliques, I just talk to everyone (whoever happens to be standing next to me that day). As such DS is quite similar and is part of all the cliques, but I can completely see your point.

Witchend · 30/12/2018 18:32

I think there's always been a mixture. I remember at my school there was a couple of girls who were really close friends. They lived about 2 doors down from each other and the mothers were close friends, and had been since before the children were born. They spent evenings/weekends/holidays in one house or another.
With that sort of closeness they'll either love each other or hate each other.
But it wasn't done in a "we're friends therefore our children must be" it was simply that they spent a lot of time together so naturally became friends.

PhilomenaNewYearButterfly · 30/12/2018 19:15

My DC find their own friends. I do spend a lot of time at school, I take DS2 to and from school, I'm a member of the PTA and I help out on school trips, but I don't get involved with my DC's friendships. I don't plan to have much to do with secondary school at all.

ShalomJackie · 30/12/2018 19:28

They may already know each other from pre-school or nursery so it may just seem like the parents are choosing because they already know each other.

FlibbertyGiblets · 30/12/2018 19:34

I never thought another parent was cool. How odd!

All my children chose their friends btw.

Bitlost · 30/12/2018 20:03

It doesn’t work that way in our school. My DD has no friends. I’ve been trying to get friendly with the parents and have had some success but DD still has no friends! The children definitely do the choosing.

Chickenwings85 · 30/12/2018 20:10

I'm thankful to my daughter because without her making the friends she has on her own accord I wouldn't have met such lovely people who I can call friends.

elQuintoConyo · 30/12/2018 20:15

I don't think it's a 'south' thing or a class thing. Some parents think it's all about them and are rather too attached to their childen.

NotCitrus · 30/12/2018 20:22

By the time they get to year 2, they definitely make their own friends, some of whom may be the kids they've known since nursery/their parents were in antenatal class, others won't be.

My kids don't mind the local friends that they get dragged to see every now and then because their parents are friends, but their closest friends are other kids (whose parents are perfectly pleasant but there's a language barrier).

Notso · 30/12/2018 20:37

I don't think friendships between children can be forced in the way you describe.
The parents can arrange as much as they like but ultimately it doesn't mean the children will be good friends.
Also I don't think it's anything new, I can remember my Mum trying to get me to play with X or Y because she got on with their Mum.

giftsonthebrain · 31/12/2018 03:54

Although I wouldn’t interfere in school, the friends my children play with need to come from safe homes that means parents that can be trusted and are reliable.
So in some ways the friendships are engineered.

Bitlost · 31/12/2018 05:46

But how do you do that, giftsonthebeain? I’ve really tried but to no avail.

thewinkingprawn · 31/12/2018 05:54

I definitely found that in infants but by the time they get to Y3 they really are more independent and make their own choice of friends. Curious as to what you mean though giftsonthebrain since you can never really know how safe another persons house really is even if you know the parents well, you can only teach your child how best to keep themselves safe wherever they are (in my opinion).

Sleephead1 · 31/12/2018 06:33

my son started school nursery a few months before end of term and then reception in September I tried really hard to chat to everyone and got too know a couple of mums a bit better so I asked if they wanted to meet over summer ( hated doing this so hard to ask ) and we did meet and ive been to coffee with them a few times. My son is friends with both of their children but lots of others aswell. I would go for a coffee with any of the parents but people are rushing to work ECT and chat to them all. Sometimes the mums I've met up with and me don't speak in yard as we are all talking to others so I don't think there is any clicks and we have been invited to 2 full class parties. Some parents you never see as they are at work some you see everyday. I know some of the parents have older children so already know the families so obviously the children know each other and they are closer but I feel happy chatting with everyone have you been doing that? if you want to arrange a meet up with one of your child's friends have you asked the parents? I find this very hard but I just plucked up the courage and did it.

HexagonalBattenburg · 31/12/2018 14:35

Happened a lot quite negatively toward DD2 - parents had got to know each other in nursery and clicked so really pushed their children to be friends to the exclusion of other kids. Made for a horrid social mix for the new starters in Reception - and now we still have one mum who refuses to let her child be friends with anyone other than the kids of mum's own buddies. Really sad situation as the child in question really wants to be friends with DD2 but mum refuses to allow it.

Seems to start to break down from about this point onwards as the kids call the shots much more (but with the mum I mentioned I think that situation's beyond hope!)

WakeMeUpWhenGoodOmensIsOn · 31/12/2018 14:46

At my DCs’ primary school the parents understandably prefer to socialise in their first language so play dates where the parents are present divide on national lines. I suppose you could call that a clique.

IamPickleRick · 31/12/2018 15:45

I think before year 2, these friendships can definitely be forced. The clique at my DS’s school formed because they all went to an expensive local nursery (my MIL works there) and so all the boys knew each other, and had passed the “suitable friend” test. My DS couldn’t get anyone to come to his first bday party at school as they were all going to another child’s party from that nursery. We still don’t have all of them come 4 years down the line because they are all at this other kids party.

At the moment the friendships are still being actively cultured by the parents because a) the parents are loathe to accept newcomers and scope everyone out and b) the kids all go home with each other after school for play dates or childcare reasons c) they all go to the same scouts/swimming/football d) they all know other children from these groups so they have very active lives outside school to the exclusion of anyone not from that nursery group. If I ask one to a play date, they are busy for the next 2 months or so.

Then the siblings are all in the same year so they are also friends and it goes on.

One poor mum went out of her way to forge friendships with the main clique and her little boy has never once been invited to a party. My DS is friends with them all, he mixes in all groups, goes to all the party’s, but it took a long time for them to accept him or indeed anyone.

Oblomov18 · 31/12/2018 15:50

Not that like for either of my ds's. And I am friends with some of their friends mums. And not others.
And I'm friends with mums who aren't anything to do with my ds's.,

I have never ever got involved in who my ds's choose to be friends with. Ever.

So none of what you are talking about has ever happened to me. Thus you are generalising incorrectly.

IamPickleRick · 31/12/2018 16:11

So none of what you are talking about has ever happened to me. Thus you are generalising incorrectly.

So if something hasn’t happened directly to you then it hasn’t ever happened

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