At wits end with 4 yo

[28tsw]

My 4 yo DS has been having problems since he started preschool that still carrying on into reception. He is a real Jekyll and Hyde- at home he’s v well behaved aside from normal 4 yo squabbling with 2yo DD.

At school he is a v different child. He screams, shouts, ignores rules, hits children etc. All v unacceptable. We are already on our second warning for his behaviour and not even completed a full term yet.

I don’t know what to do. Advice has in the past been to not say much just say never mind let’s try again tomorrow and not to talk about it as it builds anxiety. But this hasn’t worked and I can’t see how I can address his behaviour

I am confident that he’s anxious away from me and gave him a token for him to focus on to help ground him when he has a meltdown but this didn’t work.

So many people I talk to say he’s a typical boy don’t worry he’s just immature. Saying it’s too early to label him. I’m in two minds all the time I don’t have a clue how to handle this, I’m finding it so stressful and no one has any answers!

I’m petrified he’s going to be excluded. I don’t understand how he got here. I’m expecting he is SEN but no idea about that either.

Any experience similar or advice? I have to have a behaviour meeting with his teacher. I haven’t a clue how I’m meant to manage his behaviour if I never see it or there.

It could be something quite simple like he has some sensory processing issues and has sensory overload. Yes ask for SENCO assessment. Personally I would also ask if he can go mornings only, as he would probably cope better. You have a right to do this.

Do you know what triggers the meltdowns? Is it him being asked to do something he doesn’t want? Is it that other kids tease him?

I can't comment on the possibility of any SN

Is it an option to withdraw him and try again in yr 1.

Doesn't sound like the system is really fitting him. A year or so may make a huge difference.

Not sure on trigger specifically- think it’s not doing what he wants & not understanding why.

Him not attending full time at this point is a last last last result as we are already struggling money wise working full time

Resort not result

They will hopefully have done observations so can tell you what is causing the behaviour. Have you asked him how he feels about school? If he can't say, can he draw it (look at his face during this - does he look angry/upset etc)?

It could be SEN, it also might not be. Without knowing what is causing the behaviour and tracking it (so I would say to keep him in school so there are records as you will find that important should you go down the SEN route), it's hard to say.

Are the school being supportive? Talking of excluding a 4 year old who may or may not have SEN and is certainly having trouble adapting to school is ridiculous. What positive behaviour management techniques have they put into place?

A few children had trouble settling into YR in both my DC's years. They had various techniques to help them. (A quiet tent where they could retreat for some peace, a visual behaviour chart with a special treat for good behaviour, a visual timetable so they knew what was coming next, the teacher made a massive effort to build a good relationship with the kids and compliment good behaviour which helped massively too)

When is his birthday by the way? Summer born boys are much more likely to be immature and not ready for school.

If he is fine at home, but difficult at school..........draw you own conclusions. School is not an environment that all children find easy - especially when they are only four years out of the womb.

Maybe he needs to be at home a bit longer. Trying to shoehorn individuals into a government led education system/curriculum means that some fall by the wayside.

I try to imagine what it would be like if government dictated that I should spend all day every weekday with 30 of my peers doing things that might not interest me - I might be a bit pissed off, especially if I was 4 and had got used to being with family.

His birthday is March

He’s been in nurseries since a baby so used to the format so I don’t think it’s that he’s been ripped out of his home life or anything like that

What have the school said? If he's fine at home it's clearly something about the environment that is causing him anxiety. Are they supportive? If not could you look at moving him?

Can you observe him there without him knowing?
It might increase your understanding of what is happening . At least then you would know where to start.

I’m hoping to find out more tomorrow. These are all great questions that I hope to ask.

Have you had his hearing tested? It could be he can’t hear in the noisier group environment

Ask the school to keep a note of incidents and what had happened immediately before hand, once you can see a pattern you should be able to see what is triggering the behaviour, so then you'll have a better idea of what you need to be looking at.

At home how is he if you stop an activity he is enjoying? and if you tell him to do something? The thing a lot of children struggle with at school is suddenly being expected to do specific tasks at specific times, because they tend to have a lot more freedom at home (not a criticism, children need time to be children and do their own thing).

First thing to try would be a reward. A good teacher will be perfectly happy to draw a smiley face/stick a sticker on a reward chart each morning and afternoon, tell DS how many he needs to earn his reward - don't tell him he needs to be good all week though otherwise if he slips up early on there is no incentive for the rest of the week. (rewards don't need to be big/expensive, I've had a few children whose parents have done this and its generally a happy meal, trip to the park after school, bag of sweets, film night at home, that kind of thing)