A parents evening one - should I request another meeting?

[AdamFlemming]

I’ve had a parent’s evening for DS Y3 this week and have come away feeling rather ‘unsatisfied’ (that’s the best word I can come up with for the feeling) and wondering what to do next. Sorry if it’s long - but there’s a couple of issues...

For context DS has a twin brother in another class. They are of similar academic ability but TB (twin brother) is much more confident in his own abilities and will push himself much harder. DS is as smart, but although he’s personally confident, he has a very low opinion of his own abilities and will never push himself forward, put hand up on the carpet etc.

The issues DSs teacher raised during the meeting were that is tray is untidy, his shirt is never tucked in and he’s been going out of the class to the toilet 6 x per day during learning time and did he have any medical issues? The presentation of his work is also poor. There was no discussion about how he was doing in his subjects, asking him what he was enjoying etc.

The children choose their own level of work (mild / spicy etc) but at age 7 and with his lack of confidence and maturity I know he will never say he is confident to try the harder work even though he’s more than capable. I have TB as a comparison who is of similar ability but choosing hot (ie harder) work. Really simple example, ‘spicy’ was to write sentences with co-ordinating conjunctions, ‘hot’ was to write ones with subordinating conjunctions. TB wrote a couple of spicy then moved on to hot. DS wrote 10 spicy sentences and when I asked him about it, he said he wasn’t confident to move on. I know there is no way in 100 million years that TB is any more able to write a sentence using the word ‘because’ than DS.

I didn’t mention this as my time was up and was flabbergasted that the toilet issue hadn’t been dealt with earlier (I calculated he’s spent nearly half a day per week in the toilet!), and that we were discussing trays and shirt tails rather than what he was achieving. It was only once I have TB’s meeting I realised how crazy DS’s was.

The class is a challenging one, and my impression (in hindsight) is that as he’s not causing any trouble, she’s content for him to drift even if he’s not achieving his potential. It’s not through malice though - she probably doesn’t know what he’s capable of as he’s not showing her.

So - I’m thinking of asking her for another meeting saying we didn’t get near to the bottom of his issues. The issues she raised indicates he’s not engaged and being challenged, and then explaining the confidence issues and comparison with TB and asking if we can have another session to agree a plan to get him engaged and back working at the level he is capable of.

I’ll probably be labelled ‘that parent’ but I’m sort of ok with that if it means DS is challenged and engaged in his work.

Is that a reasonable course of action - or any other thoughts?

Thanks

Teacher here.

Reasonable course of action. Either request face to face meeting (probably best) or send a follow up email. You could word it as having followed up/discussed DS frequent toilet trips and messy tray (!) DS has revealed a lack of confidence in trying ‘SPICY’ work but is also bored with ‘HOT’ but needs telling to push himself ahead.

It is interesting that you have judged him to have the same academic abilities as his brother. Maybe he is weaker. Maybe he is trying to opt out of class time by hoing to the loo. Maybe the presentation issues signal a lack of care and attention to his work. I think you perhaps need to hear whst she is telling you.

Cansu- I hear what your saying but I do work / homework etc with them. They are not indentical in ability but certainly in the same ballpark - and actually where DS has the space and confidence I would actually say his potential is higher in most area. I wouldn’t have a problem if he ‘couldn’t’ but that’s just not the reality.

The loo issue is slightly complex but I know if he’s challenged and interested he doesn’t have the headspace to think about whether he needs to go.

I definitely think she painted a picture of a child relatively switched off - but we didn’t discuss steps to deal with the actual causes. I’ve spoken to him about it - but he is also only 7 yrs also and surely as a professional it’s also her job to ensure the children are all engaged and delivering their potential.

I think you might also consider that he will be very different one to one with you than he is in a class of 30. Is your other ds in the class? If so why do you think he is doing better than his brother? It sounds very much like he isn't very focused on his work and perhaps just does what he has to do. I would imagine year 3 is quite a step up in terms of expectations of work. He may need more encouragement to work and perhaps you can ask her if she could put a reward system in place for him whereby he gets stars for trying harder work or for keeping his work neat. You could then support by rewarding him for achieving the stars. I think that you need to go in with how can we help him improve rather than why is he bored. You also need to be prepared to be a little tough with your ds if he isn't working properly.

I had the same issue. I told my DC that I expected a certain % of their work to be the highest challenge level by the next time I looked at the books. That worked and they began to see they were capable by trying. I also said I didnt mind if they got it wrong as long as they tried (but I knew they would be able to do it - different if they aren’t able).

Tbh i cant see letting kids choose as being a very good idea. Probably for precisely this reason. Any child will realise the hardest take more work so may not bother.
Dd yr 2 i suspect also spends a lot of time in the toilets (she does at home too). For us i suspect it's that there are so few toilets and she would lilely have to miss break time to queue to go, which she wont do as why go in break when they can go in class time !

Also if he isnt showing his ability then even if the teacher handed out the sheets they might give your DS the lower one

Yes do talk to them. Just say that due to the other issues you didn't get around to discussing his academic progress and ask to arrange a meeting after school one day. Not a big fan of the choose your own level work, but they should be able to give your DS a nudge if he's not challenging himself. Perhaps you could also use the meeting to follow up on the other issues as they are quite big things to first come up at parents' evening.

My dd is similar age, she seems a bit lazy at homework time (and no wonder after full day off school, after school clubs, playing out with friends). Could you encourage him to try hot homework first and go back to spicy if too much. Not many children volunteer for a 2nd set of 10 optional sentences.

*of not off

Thanks for all the suggestions. Sticker chart perhaps is good he would LOVE that!

I don’t think the ‘I expect to see...’ will work as he’ll still be embarrassed from the teacher to choose it - so I sort of need it to come from her too.

I know he’s definitely different in class - much more compliant, but also happy to be the one no-one is looking at. Not quite the same at home!

I have been quite hard with him on it - actually probably too hard. I was really cross with him about the toilet thing and presentation as he knows that’s just not acceptable. However I really do think the teacher should have raised long before parents evening.

I agree with those who say getting the kids to chose their work is madness - I sort of understand why it’s good for them to be able to assess their skill and challenge themselves - but my son is definitely not there yet. He is only 7 after all.

He’s actually ok with his homework as that’s just spelling/reading... and he knows I wouldn’t accept less than his best. It’s actually work they do in class where they chose their levels.

One last question esp to any teachers - would it really annoy you if I mentioned my other son as a comparison and the fact that I can see at home they are similar abilities but DS is getting less challenge (and explain the personality thing?). I want to get across the fact of that it’s not just a random thought in my head (or what Inremember of a sibling years ago) but what 2 children sitting side by side in their own comfortable environment are capable of. I don’t expect the teacher to be able to recreate this environment but to get over (with out being too pointed) that I ‘know’ rather than ‘think’ he is capable of more.