Advice needed re issues at primary school

[Mrsm2812]

Hi

I’m not sure if this is the correct place to post this thread but I have an issue related to my child at primary school and would like some advice. My child is 6 years old and has a good friend at school, they have been good friends since nursery. My child has never fallen out with the other child and has always looked out for his friend for example when his friend was getting picked on by some older children at school. Very sadly the child’s home life isn’t the greatest, the Mum is ok but a few months ago got into a relationship with a man she had met online and within a week of meeting him had moved him in with her and her son. I am just giving some background about the child’s family/Home situation as I think it’s possibly relevant to my thread.

The friend of my child has always been a nice boy, he’s never known his dad but since July has had his mum’s new boyfriend living with him. The boyfriend is not the type of guy I’d want around my child. He’s got a child he’s not allowed to see apart from supervised once a month and no-one knows why. He’s unemployed and has no desire to go to work. He’s scruffy and smelly and basically I have no idea what the mum sees in him but she has not had a relationship with anyone since her child’s dad.

Since the boyfriend moved in with her, the child who is my son’s friend has changed a lot, he tells people that he doesn’t want to live with his mum. He has started to say things about his friends at school like that someone has hurt him etc. I personally think it’s a cry for attention as his mum is so wrapped up in her new relationship that the child craves attention. Anyway, walking to school yesterday the child’s mum showed me a very faint and tiny bruise on her son’s face which she said he had told her a certain child at school had done. It wasn’t much of a mark and actually looked like an old bruise as it had gone green and pale. The child had told his mum the night before the name of the child who did it, walking to school yesterday morning, while the mum was showing me the mark the child suddenly said my son had done it, so his story had changed.

I could tell my son had not done this. I’m not a defensive mum, I will accept when my child has done something but I could see my child had no idea about this. I asked him regardless and he would normally admit something like this but he knew nothing about it and this was obvious. The boy and my child carried on waking to school together happily and I was a bit upset that my child had been accused. All of a sudden the boys Mum who was walking to school with us went quiet but her lovely boyfriend started giving me verbal abuse over this bruise. He said if he found out it was my son then there would be hell to pay, he threatened me and was using horrific language in front of the children. There were a few of us walking to school together. I was shocked and upset by this and I will not be associating with this couple or walking to school with them again.

The child is the sort of child who makes things up. He’s done it before about other kids. It was very obvious that the boy has no idea even when the bruise happened. After being given verbal abuse by the boyfriend and the mum letting this happen, me and another Mum friend decided to walk away from them to school. When we got to school to take our children in, we noticed the other Mum and her verbally abusive boyfriend go into the school office.

To cut a long story short, they went to see the Head to say that my son has hit their child (her child) in the face and tried to get him into trouble. I 100% know my child did not hurt his friend. I knew this was why they had gone in so I went at the end of the day to see my son’s teacher and she said she knew nothing about it but not to worry as the boys were good friends and she had not seen an my hitting or anything like that. But this morning I got a call asking me to go in and see the Head. The Head told me that my son isn’t in trouble but may be spoken to just to try and find out if anything happened but she said that the mums boyfriend had tried to make out that I had been verbally abusive etc when I had said nothing at all other than calmly say that I would talk to my child but that I believed him and didn’t think he would ever hurt this friend of his. The parents have really tried to frame my child and I’m basically furious. I’m also now worried in case he makes up more accusations as the mums boyfriend clearly has an issue with me.

I know other parents at school have concerns about the child’s Home life since the new boyfriend cane along. She has told us plenty about him like him not being able to see his own baby unless supervised, he apparently isn’t allowed around children but I don’t know why, he won’t go to work, he swears in front of the child he lives with, he’s just awful. And since he’s been on the scene, the child who is my son’s friend has started to tell tales. The boyfriend seems to have taken a dislike to me after yesterday morning and I think he has tried to make things look bad for my son who is only 6. At pick up time yesterday I got filthy looks and death stares from the boyfriend. I’m not even sure what I have done. I went to see the Head today and tried to tell her how bad this boyfriend was and how unsuitable he is to bring up hee son but to my suprise she can’t do anything about the boyfriend as she says they don’t report people etc.
I’m no worried about how unpleasant things will be at school from now on and I’m more worried about my son’s friend making up more lies to get my son into trouble. The head appeared to be totally disinterested in the things I told her about the mums boyfriend and told me if I have concerns to call the social. Should I be going in to school to say that I do not want my son to play with this boy at school and that I want them keeping apart to prevent more accusations being made? And what can I do about the abusive guy because the Head was totally not interested at all. I feel sad for my son as he loves his friend but I think if he continues to play with him that the child will get him into further trouble.

Any advice helped

If you have concerns about the boyfriend or changes in the child's behaviour and evidence of physical abuse, you should ring the multi agency safeguarding hub at your local council to report it. Your name will not be passed on.

Look at the Safeguarding policy at the school for contacts or the policy produced by the LA.

Really tricky situation OP.

Surprised the HT wasnt more interested TBH, even tho there is probably nothing to report him for right now, it would have been good if she had listened and took note
of what you are saying for future
Safeguarding of the child.

I would keep a personal diary of what you have witnessed/things that have happened. E.g Date. Walked to school, boyfriend said xxx in front of child, accusation made, etc

Just as a back up in the event it may be useful later.

All you can do for now is to keep a distance from the family. Don’t interact, walk away and always ensure you are around others. If they make any further accusations to you directly, ask them to speak to the school directly. Do not engage.

But also keep a close eye out for this little boy and his mum who seem to be in a very vulnerable position. If you see or hear anything concerning, contact the school firstly and if they seem disinterested, call social services.

It sounds like this man is trying to isolate the mum and child from their wider social group. He may knows you are someone she would speak to and your child a friend of the boys so he is trying to alienate them. Hope I’m wrong.

You may be the only to help. So pleas be vigilant but also keep a safe distance for your own emotional well-being and that of your son.

The head will have met a few parents like this man/mother

The child may already be on their radar - if not they are now

They can not discuss this child's circumstances with you anyway

Keep a diary
Record everything

I would've reported him to the police

Can you do a background check on him?

Thank you @MonsterKidz - I am firstly upset at how the boyfriend spoke and swore at me in front of my children when I was walking to school but even more upset that my son has been accused and I wanted to clear my son’s name with the HT as I honestly with all my heart know he has not and would not ever hit or hurt anyone. We have never been told of anything like this since my son started school and he is now in Year 2. My DH and other friends have been concerned about the boyfriend since he came on the scene, the things she told us about him when they first met at the end of July were very worrying and yet she still moved him in with her and her son. Her son has since started telling tales and crying out for attention (in my opinion). My DH thinks that because of the type of person the boyfriend is that he will try be as nasty and trouble causing as he can and my DH thinks we need to talk to my son and tell him to try stay away from his little friend. This breaks my heart and he won’t undertand why all of a sudden he can’t play with his friend but I am worried that the child willl day more things especially if goaded to do so by the boyfriend who the little boy sadly looks up to. Do you think I should speak to my son’s teacher on Monday and ask her to try and keep the boys apart to try and prevent any further accusations?
There are so many issues about the boyfriend, you wouldnt believe it if I said. He has his own flat in another city which he receives housing benefit for and yet he lives with her. He sublets his flat and gets rent from that and both are claiming benefits as single people. He has a shaft past and criminal record and a child with his ex he isn’t allowed to see unless supervised. I was horrified when I heard all this from her and him but people say call social services and I’m afteaid to do this because of the type of person he is and the repercussions as I have heard him threaten people on the phone and know what he is like.

Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility. Contact them and then they can look into it. If he shouldn't be with children they will intervene. Worst case scenario is you waste theirs and your time.
The little boy and his mum will need support - if you feel able to, do, if not, look after your little lad.
Please do act though.

If it’s true he’s only allowed supervised contact with his own child and there’s a suggestion he shouldn’t be around children then I would think social services should be made aware he’s living with a child and visiting school premises. It may be that the rumours aren’t the whole truth, but the school safeguarding lead has a responsibility to raise it if there are concerns even though you don’t have to be told what the issues are.

I wouldn’t interfere with the kids playing together, but don’t do anything outside school time.

Agree with Isittimeforbed, don’t say anything to your son or try to have them separated. He won’t understand and I feel it’ll do more harm than good. Explain to him that his little friend is a good person at heart, he has known him a few years now, haven’t they always had fun together? Explain that even good people sometimes make mistakes and even if his friend says your son has hurt him, he must always tell the truth and be honest. That he won’t get in trouble if he does that. Keep checking in with him on how things are. Build a relationship where he knows he can tell you what happens and you will back him
Up.

I’d think having a chat with the teacher if they are in the same class wouldn’t hurt either. I’d be honest and open and explain your concerns. She needs to know to look out for this child. But also make it clear that given the language the boyfriend has used on the play ground, you will be keeping your distance from the family.

He really does sound dodgy - the mum may well need your friendship in the future.

Don’t be intimidated.

I would speak to mash team at council and insist it was logged. I would also insist safeguarding lead st school logged my concerns.

Keep notes. And keep reporting to both these places.

If you see this man approaching try and record on your phone.

And everything pps said.

It is going to be difficult to stop your son and the other boy being friendly at school but you have done the right thing in raising the situation with the class teacher. I am sure that they will monitor the situation and ensure nothing happens.
As far as the "bruise" is concerned I would not be worried about it, an average head teacher will have dealt with similar disputes between 2 children on a weekly basis.
However what i do think you need to do, so that there is no misunderstanding and also for your own piece of mind is put in writing part of the conversation you had with the head teacher. You should thank the headteacher for the conversation, that you have every faith in them being able to resolve what happened, that X mother was present when this argument took place and maybe worth speaking to but that you do feel it is necessary, given what has been said by the other mother to inform the head teacher that you understand the current partner has got a child he’s not allowed to see apart from supervised access once a month. The head teacher will not tell you anything but if they are doing their job properly they will be able to take forward actions that will establish what the situation really is regarding this very limited access to the other child.

@admission - thank you for your advice. In all honesty I wouldn’t feel able to write to the Head after her dismissive attitude on Friday. I had a meeting with her on Friday and told her ebui knew about the mum’s boyfriend and she shrugged her shoulders and said that they go not call or involve social services. She said that if I feel there is concern for the child that I could contact the social, which I’m now not prepared to do. It could be that another school parent does but I won’t risk the repercussions. I know they would think it was me and I would have the boyfriend round at my door kicking off in front of my children. I do think he’s trouble and I think the Mum is hugely at fault for all of this but I have to put my own family first.
I’m stunned by the attitude of the Head. I have told her that a few of us have concerns for the welfare of my friends son and she isn’t going to look into it. She also told me that she isn’t able to ban anyone from the school grounds, so God help us if he turns out to be on the register.

Not reporting this man/family to Ss/MASH because you're afraid of the repercussions is not the way forward because

1. If you're afraid imagine how the little boy feels if he speaks to him like that. Reporting may prevent or stop that.

1. Someone else could well report them and they'd still think it's you, so you may get the grief anyway!

1. This is exactly why this man kicks off like this-to prevent people from challenging him. So many people may have concerns for this boy but don't report because they're afraid. Who's the winner then?

1. Your sons friend needs the good and decent adults in his life to look out for him. He's powerless at 6. Utterly powerless. Whereas you have the ability to help.

Please rethink not reporting.

In terms of dealing with this man, totally ignore him, like he doesn't even exist. They love the attention of the ruckus-see point 3.

TwoGinScentedTears

Great post

OP you have a responsibility to protect this child. Turning a blind eye every day is causing this child pain.

If you report them AND nothing happens then at least you know the responsibility is now with the authorities.

Don't assume that because the Head didn't appear to be interested in your account, that she didn't take on board what you were saying. It may well be considered as part of a wider picture, but of course she won't be able to share that with you.

Should I be going in to school to say that I do not want my son to play with this boy at school and that I want them keeping apart

That will be impossible for staff to implement-the only way it could happen is if you force your own son to not speak to or play with this boy, which I’m guessing he won’t like.

How do you expect the school to police keeping them apart? No way would i be doing that (as a teacher). Far too much else to do, sorry.

I, sorry!

I would hope that your thoughts on the head are incorrect. I would expect them to as a minimum take on board your information on the boyfriend. The usual procedure would be for the head teacher who will be the designated safeguarding officer for the school to record, have a conversation and pass on the information to the Local Authority Designated Officer, who will be someone in SS. It is for the LADO to then decide what to do, if anything, about the information. It could well be that the boyfriend is a known person to the Local Authority, in which case they will definitely want to know who they are involved with and that there is a child involved.
If however your thoughts about the head are correct, I can only say that this will in all likelyhood come back to bite them on the bum when there is an incident involving the boyfriend. For your own protection and your piece of mind I do think you need to put something in writing. If not to the head speak to someone in SS.
I appreciate the concerns you have about repercussions but actually no matter how you look at this, you are already involved.