Advice on year 6 son

[Bluefrontdoor]

I am really struggling with my son and was hoping for some words of wisdom. Background is he is year 6, summer born 10 year old normal background nothing to trigger any changes.
So he is struggling with school lately, this in its self isn’t new he often struggles settling in, I’m not sure why as he has known his class since reception year but still. He struggles with playtime as he says all the others hate him, he says they call him names and won’t play with him. On speaking to the teacher he says he has spoken to the other kids and they are say son starts it, son is annoying, son kicked them for no reason so that’s why they kicked him etc etc, apparently this is reiterated by the class therefore my son is lying or seeing things differently. I’m not saying he isn’t to blame but I’m getting kid coming home crying and sad no one likes him, yet the teacher says he is the culprit. Teacher says he then sulks or cry’s and dwells on everything which is true. Teacher wants him to buck up and take ownership of his actions, if he is annoying then the kids won’t want to play with him, which I get totally. I talk to him till I’m blue in face,I go nice, I go hard, I go incentives, I bribe it’s all met with yes mum will do mum, I understand mum. Then I get called by teacher again. I’m at my wits end it’s 5 weeks into term, its high school next year!
At home he is kind and sweet he rarely does the grumpy Pre teen thing, rarely cry’s, he does after school activities (not school connected, though some from his class attend) teacher of that says he can be silly but he is 10 but other than that he is fine. So all of this Is just at school, but what can I do? I really need some help to get him to take responsibility of his actions and grow up, but when I am there he is very mature and grown up.
Personally I think he finds it hard to interact and he mimics the others but gets it over the top wrong. But again I have no idea how to help him not do that.
Oh wise ones of mumsnet please help, any words of wisdom?

Poor DS. I wonder if the school could be doing more to support him and work on his social skills. I don't think he would be deliberately annoy the other children when he knows he'll end up on his own. Does he have any child he gets along with you could invite over? Does he have any hobbies outside of school?

He does do after school things which he very much enjoys. He spends a lot of time with us as a family and with his dad n his own for 'boy time' he has a younger sibling and we spend a lot of time with cousins and family/friends with kids.
We have had kids over but the one we did the teacher us hintingbus a bad influence so I just don't know if I should persue it 🤦‍♀️

I really don't know what to say, but I just didn't want to read and run.

What does he want? Does he want others to like him? I am sure he does.
I think until he really understand that his action has consequences, it's difficult to change. If he does things that annoy others to get an attention, he needs to stop. But I do understand it's easily said than done.
I think at least you should have meeting with school, with him, to talk about how to change his behaviour towards others.
You are doing well as a parent, but it needs to be solved within school. Only so much you can do as a parent talking/teaching him what to do.

I am really sorry I can't offer you any help, but as a fellow parent of yr6 boy, I really wish you get some sort of breakthrough to tackle this as soon as possible, and your ds start enjoying last year of primary.

OP is this a recent problem or has it been like this throughout primary school I.e. the way he acts and the way other children view him? It seems like it’s been an going issues?

Thanks for the replies it is an on going issue that has escalated this year, he was in a friendship group that was unhealthy and is trying to break away from, as it was doing him more harm than good. He has often had issues with other children he just can't grasp there point of view but I can't see how to change that. The class are in groups of friendships and have been for a long time and he has always been on the edge.

OP this must be really tough for you and your son. I would have suggested that you consider the option of moving him to a new school where he would get a fresh start and a new opportunity to establish friendships without the history at his current school. He is, however, in Y6 and presumably will change schools at the end of the year anyway so this is probably not worth considering. Based on what you have written, you seem to have done what you can and talking to him only got you so far...I do believe the issue has two parts and the other part is the school and his classmates. I'm not sure what advice to give you, but I definitely think he needs a fresh start away from his current environment and reputation in this school.

Thank you all so much for replying, I feel so much better knowing there isn't something obvious I'm missing, I just feel the teacher is trying to me to make it better but not giving ideas on how. We are lucky that there is 4 surrounding high schools one of which many students go to from his school so I'm opting for the others schools based on that. He does need a fresh start I have chatted to him a lot over the summer about making good impressions on people but it again has fell on deaf ears. I'll just keep battling on, showing him we are in his side.

My (autumn born, 11yo) ds was like this in year 6 (and earlier but it got more pronounced as others matured faster and became more socially adept). Primary tried to do extra work on social skills, which may have helped a little with his understanding, but had little practical effect. I chose a secondary that seemed to have a strong focus on following rules/ taking responsibility for his actions. The first 2 terms saw at least one detention a week, tears and multiple fall outs with friends. Eventually he was put on a report card and graded for behaviour and effort in each lesson. This really helped ( a combination of positive feedback and specific identification of what he needed to change on a lesson by lesson basis). He hasn’t had a detention since and has finally made real friends for the first time since starting school. He’s now in year 8 and a million times happier.
Perhaps your school could do similar? Your post really resonated with me so I thought I’d let you know we’ve been there and there is hope!

I think any class that was ganging up on a child and excluding him would blame it on the child if confronted about this by the teacher. Doesn't mean it's his fault or that they aren't ganging up on him.