Completely messed up by homeschooling

[upsideup]

DS was born the end of august 2013, 7 weeks early. Hes an anxious, quiet child whos always taken a little bit longer to reach milestones so he should have been held back a year to start reception at 5. However DD was born early august 2014, much more confident child and hit all milestones early so we didn't think she would need holding back and didn't want to keep ds back and have him in the same year as his little sister.

He was no way ready for school though so I home schooled him through reception and as dd was home I ended up homeschooling her the same stuff her a year early which she coped well with. They both seemed to be doing really well last year but homeschooling isn't something I can do or want to do with them long term so they both started school this year which has been awful.

DD in terms of her behaviour and social skills seems miles behind the rest of the class, this definitely isn't helped by her being bored as she can already do everything. She hasn't made any friends as she's been pretty rude and bossy, now decided she hates them all for not liking her and so is just more horrible to everyone. Parents clearly don't like her as she is upsetting their kids so she isn't invited anywhere. Shes doesn't listen to the teacher and disrupts every activity, she hasn't gone a day without getting in trouble which doesn't bother her at all as shes used to it now. She doesn't want to be there, the rest of the class don't want her there, the teacher probably doesn't want her there and I really can't see whose benefiting from me sending her.

DS made lots of friends while we were homeschooling with my help initially but since starting school hes spent every playtime on his own and doesn't talk to the other kids. He doesn't like his teacher or the classroom and says he wants to come back home and do school with me. He's always been emotional and sensitive but since starting school he's almost constantly in tears.

Feeling very guilty as I obviously completely messed up by homeschooling them last year.
What can I do to help them at school? I want to just dereg them both at the moment but know that will make the problem worse.

how difficult. Don't feel guilty about homeschooling - you don't know that it would have been a success if you'd sent them to school last year and one year of homeschooling won't have a negative long term impact anyway.

I would definitely have a meeting with DD's teacher and try to work through a strategy to improve her behaviour and help her to integrate more into the class. Can you perhaps offer some advice about how to engage DD. For example a more positive incentive. Perhaps some visual aids so she knows when she has to be quiet and how long for. Also some help making friends - is there an activity she could join?

At least in my DC's class it wasn't unusual for kids to already be reading and to know the maths syllabus before they started so I wouldn't worry too much about her being ahead (hopefully she's been assessed and is being given appropriate books to read).

I would also speak to DS's teacher so she knows that he's feeling anxious and having difficulty settling. Maybe he could be given a playtime buddy, or she could suggest a possible friend for you to invite on a playdate to break the ice?

I wouldn't panic too much. It really is early days and it won't always be like this. My eldest had a really tough time settling into reception, like your DD he was young for the year very strong academically but emotionally immature and didn't know how to make friends. (He would do silly things to get attention, like just walking up to people and making a loud noise which would obviously just make them want to avoid him). He's now in Y3 and much happier and more settled.

Is your Ds now in the year above dd.

I think I would have let him go into the same year as his sister.
I think probably both are emotionally immature although dd can do the work set.

Ultimately dd needs to not act like a clever clogs because at some point she is going to not know something because she hasn’t been taught it by you.

2nd a meeting with her teacher to put in place some strategies would be helpful. She is going to find it quite lonely if she carries on like she is.

With Ds would he benefit from moving down a year.

Or would both benefit from a new school after learning a few coping strategies where they haven’t got a reputation preceding them

Firstly, I dont think you've messed anything up by homeschooling. You were doing your best for your kids based on what they needed at the time. That's a GOOD thing.

Now you need to talk to the school. What can they do to help your ds settle and make friends. A good school will have plans for when this happens. Find out who he's friendly with. Invite them home for tea. You still have a role in building friendships at this age.

Regarding your dd, again you nedd to speak to the teacher. The last thing she should be is bored. I'm presuming she's not yet reading Nietzsche and mastering string theory, so the school should easily provide work that she finds challenging and most of reception is play-based anyway. What behavioural strategies are they using to help her improve her behaviour? What are they doing to help her settle and make friends?

Don't get upset, but do you perhaps think you might have planted seeds in your dd's mind that she will have done it all before so will find it easy?

I'm just asking because in my dd1's class there was a girl who sounds quite similar. I know her dm thought she would be sailing at the top (I heard her say to her on the second morning "tell Miss X you'll be the best at reading because you've already done some"). Problem actually was that she wasn't the best. She wasn't even nearly the best.
So having gone in with that expectation, she found that when they grouped the children she was not on the top table.

So she tried to hide that she wasn't as good as she had been led to expect by disrupting others, and telling them she knew it all.

I would be surprised if she is the only child who has done a bit of reading/writing/number work as a lot of preschools cover it. In all my dc's classes there were around half a dozen pupils (mostly girls) that were reading and writing comfortably.

With your ds, it is harder to come into a year which is established. Some years are fine and a child can slot in, but some years are quite tight knit and it's much harder for a shy child to find their corner. Try and get him in a few activities-football is a good one for helping joining in if he's interested if you can find a non-competitive one for his age.

Do a few playdates for him. Probably without his sister if possible if she's far more confident than him. Do things they find fun-bowling is one that I found really good at that age, because they can chat between bowling, but because they're getting up all the time they don't have to chat for long.

With your dd try role play. Model nice behaviour. Sitting listening, even when she's done it. Perhaps get her to tell you how to do something she's interested in and keep disrupting her, so she can see how irritating it is. Give her phrases which sound helpful rather than dominating "shall we try..." "would it work if we do..." "What would you like to do?" "Can I help?"

It sounds like you've got a similar combination of personalities and age gap to mine - albeit mine is in reverse and the stronger personality is the elder one. Mine are a year ahead of yours though but it might help a bit.

DD1 was very much on the stroppy, bossy and veering towards obnoxious side in Reception to be honest - struggled socially but at least part of that was down to school really being a poor fit for her (as well as her social skills being on the immature side). Moved schools for year 1 and the new school did a lot of gentle social skills work with her, and she found a lovely group of friends to get along with... and to be honest, the abrasive side of her personality's diminished a lot over time as she's matured. It rears its head a bit at times when she's anxious as she goes into overdrive mode to try to mask that - but she's a lot better than she was and it really did have a very very strong maturity aspect to it.

We've had problems socially with DD2 for the last year - mainly because of the nature of the class she's in, and school really didn't get a handle on it last year. This year they've put in place much more (after me getting politely cross) to try to help her integrate and it's starting to pay dividends - it just takes time with her (and a couple of nasty parents who are very anti-SEN haven't helped matters).

It's still early days. I can understand you not wanting them in the class together - I wouldn't have wanted that with mine because of one forceful personality drowning the other out - and I think you've probably done the right thing long-term if school haven't got multiple classes per year group in that regard.

I'd get a meeting sorted out with school to air your concerns there.

I was a sahm and i found similar on dd1 starting nursery at 3yo. She could already do all the stuff they were teaching, but has never been good at sitting and listening.
I think some kids want all the adult attention, which isn't possible in school/Nursery environment. They are then unused to other adults telling them what to do.
There would be a lot more sitting to learn in a school than would be needed when home schooling. Ie it took 6w to cover the whole alphabet. But if kids learn fast you dont even need to explicitly teach they just know from alphablocks etc. With 1-2 teaching you could cover it much quicker.

I think friendships are going to be harder being the youngest as interests may be different. and they can be annoying like a younger sibling.

It’s early days, keep talking to the teachers and work with them to help your children settle into school.

No point worrying now about whether you did the right thing or not, unless you are prepared to resume HE full time.

What you describe sounds very much like ... school actually. You need to back off a bit, let them make their own mistakes and spread their wings. It’s tough whether you’ve homeschooled or not. Keep close to the teachers and have a positive attitude at home. And perhaps get them signed up for a few clubs outside school. Good luck.

I read your thread with trepidation as I am currently homeschooling my kids (no schools where we live overseas) but really truly this is just starting school wobbles! I bet you will look back at the end of the year & feel differently. Don’t worry.

I would ask for a meeting with both teachers, and tell them your concerns. I would think they must be used to dealing with DC who can, say, read before they start school, do simple sums etc so I hope that if DD can show she can do the tasks already, they would provide differentiated work.
Are there any lunch time or after school clubs they could join? I know many schools won't take Reception children at first, but there might be something available for DS? I'm thinking of something that is fun, but not something they can already do so that they have to learn with the other children.
If there is nothing at school, I would look at out of school activities such as Rainbows, Beavers etc where they might improve their social skills and make some friends.

You have independent free thinking children, that’s really difficult right now but I bet they’ll make fabulous adults!
Foundation stage of school is very much getting the children to conform, your kids have gone in and don’t understand why they have to.
I wish I had some advice but I don’t think homeschooling hurt them

I don't think you have messed up at all. For your dd, now you can teach her that everyone is different. Some children are good at sport/art/music, etc. She is good at academics, you can keep on feeding her interest, but also teach her people are all different, teach her to appreciate others.

I can't really say anything about your ds, but my ds did struggle to settle into school at first, he was a selective mute. We had really good relationship with the teacher who seemed to understand me and him, listen to us, etc. He has changed so much during reception. He was totally a different child in the end. I hope your ds's teacher has similar understanding and patience.

Don’t blame yourself - I suspect this is nothing to do with actual homeschooling and more that she is not used to school rules and routines. Even when they are used to nursery, children can still struggle with the leap to reception. Give it time OP.

Sad to hear this, is there any chance of you homeschooling again?
I homeschooled 7 children, hard work but very rewarding.
All the best
Adele

Your DD would be in a similar position if you'd sent DS to school last year and she'd had you to herself for a year, perhaps worse! She hasn't been at school long enough to have been written off, she can easily learn to play nicely over the next few months. Stop worrying and blaming yourself - totally normal and nothing the school hasn't seen a hundred times.

For your DS, you could ask the teacher if there is anyone else quiet or struggling socially and have that child round. My DD (now 7) didn't make friends in her first year at school, she found it so tiring and needed the quiet time at lunch. She is now a happy, popular - if a little bit introverted - 7 year old.

I have a dominant child and a shy one, do you make sure that DD doesn't get to rule the roost at home? It could help your DS and your DD if you manage their play a little bit to make sure he gets heard and she has to listen.