Hand holding please for reception

[Icallbullshit4]

Hi all,

It's my daughters third week at school and the last week has been the first full time week as the first two were half days.

We are really struggling. My daughter goes in, in the mornings and every day so far she has cried when myself or her dad have left. One day she actually screamed "don't leave me," which was devastating.

Since starting school she's been a nightmare to get to bed. We settle her down and she's usually in bed for half seven at the latest... and then she's awake from anywhere between 9pm to 11pm before falling asleep... and then most nights she's then made her way into our room during the night.

Yesterday she pretended to be unwell to skip school. She had us convinced she was poorly and we took her to the doctors but they couldn't find anything at all.

Whenever we pick her up from school the teacher doesn't have much to say about her... and yet talks at length with other parents.

I really wanted this to be such a good start for her because she is (in my opinion such a bright little girl) but I can't help but feel in my gut that her school education is not getting off to a good start... and I really don't know what to do about it.

When I talk with my dd just trying to find out what she had done that day at school it is like getting blood out of a stone... and then she makes up stories like telling us she went to mars, or the zoo or her own new world which she has made up.

Would you be concerned? I know it's early days but I just can't shake off the feeling that something isn't quite right.

Yes, you should be concerned. I know it can be uncomfortable to be 'that parent', but you could ask the teacher for an appointment asap, with enough time for you to communicate the issues you are seeing at home, find out how she is spending her time in the class, and work out a strategy for both you and the school&teacher to follow to make sure she is happier.

Some things that might help:
The teacher assigns her a special job to do first thing in the morning, just for her, that specifically helps the teacher, and for which she is praised.
Chat to other parents in the class to arrange playdates with a child similar in temperament to yours.
Get the school to let her return to half days until she is ready.

She may be a highly sensitive child - there are resources online about helping sensitive children adjust to school.

I hope it gets better for her soon.

Did she go to pre school? If so what was she like there? It must be heart wrenching :( but I think once they find a friend then it gets easier. Do you know any of the parents? Maybe organise a play date with some of the other children?

It sounds really hard OP, hang in there. Our DD is on week 4 now, and the 3rd week of whole days. At the start there were several children crying at drop off including one boy who was literally carried in by the TA, screaming for his Mum. This morning I noticed that there were no tears at all from anyone and they all trotted in quite happily. It just takes a while to settle and if this is the first week of whole days, it's still very early.

Hi, we have had some similar issues. DS seemed fine, but a bit hyper, for the first week which was half days. Since being on full days, he has cried/clung to us at drop off roughly half the days, and the teacher has said he was crying at times in the classroom on those same days. He won't answer any questions either, particularly open ended ones such as "tell me something good that happened at school today?" He seems very sensitive to changes in routine around who drops him off/picks him up, which suggests to me that he is feeling pretty fragile. He wakes up in the night, which he never used to, and usually either can't fall asleep at night, or wakes up early in the morning. He has also had some pretty awful tantrums.

We have a meeting with the teacher today, but I'm struggling really to see how we are going to get through this.

Hi everyone thanks for your replies...

Yes DD has been to nursery. She didn't want to go all the time but I can't remember her ever crying or screaming when we left her.

I think she is highly sensitive. I've decided to pick her up today and take her out for 1-1 without her younger brother. She might talk about it then... but it does mean hopefully that if there is something bothering her she will be able to tell me and if she doesn't we will just enjoy the time together.

I don't know any of the parents and none of her nursery seem to be there. I will try to get round to arranging a play date but i work antisocial shifts so it's a bit difficult but not undoable.

She's always sought out older children and their parents to play with though... she never seems to want to play with her own age group

I know it's early but I think I'll have a word with the teacher on Monday and just let her know my concerns. She can't help if she doesn't know, can she?

I hope your meeting goes well mockorangy. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through the same

Thank you all again. I feel a bit more clearer headed and I'll definitely look up about sensitive children online to see if that helps

It doesn't necessarily mean there's something actually wrong. Dm used to reckon that the number of children whose parents said they loved preschool and were desperate to start, when it came to it they were being brought in crying by the second week.
It's just new, a change, perhaps new expectations etc. Sometimes this can be worse for a child who was confident at preschool because they suddenly find that they're not sure and that's worse.

I remember being in hospital when I was 3yo. I decided that I was going to make sure dm was last to leave. So every night when she tried to go I screamed the place down. That was 10 nights running. I wasn't usually either clingy or a screamer, so dm was quite worried.
I remember very clearly thinking as I was doing it one night, that I hoped she would actually go as I was finding keeping this up a bit boring.

For telling you what went on, not saying is very typical. For me
Dd1 told me everything-to a point that other parents used to come and ask because their children told them nothing.
Dd2 told me a mixture of the form scandals and completely made up stories. Going to Mars is obviously a frequent activity in reception.
Ds told me only what he'd eaten for lunch and the lunchtime football score.

I'm not sure whether trying to get her to tell you what's wrong is necessarily helpful. I always found that impossible to answer as a child. Sometimes I'd come up with an answer, but it was one that I thought I'd get away with rather than the truth. And it reinforced to me that there could be a problem, which made me worry more.

My DD is struggling to settle as well. She started on full days and we had to reduce to half days as she wasn’t coping. She was also not sleeping well, and shouting things like ‘I don’t want to go’ in her sleep.
This is the end of week 4 and I think we’re just about getting there. The school have been really helpful and supportive.
There is no point in asking her if there’s anything wrong. School is probably great, there’s probably things and people she really likes, the problem is that you are not there so it all ‘feels’ wrong.
These are the things that I think have helped a bit:
My DD has a special job to do each morning with the TA, I hand her over to the same TA each morning.
I leave quickly after handing her over.
I talked to her about how she had to go to school, that she could go crying and screaming or smiling, that was up to her but she was still going.
We had a sticker chart at home.
We cut one of her mussies up into hankie size pieces so she could have it in her pocket. I have seen other children in the class with ‘transition objects’ too.
I make sure we arrive after the door is open so we can go straight in.
She is allowed to sleep in my bed if she wants to.

As far as telling you what happened at school, I have 3 Dc and they rarely tell me much. You could try asking specific questions like “Was anyone naughty today?” “Who did you sit next to at lunchtime?” “Who’s the funniest person in your class?”.
It’s so hard. Thankfully she is DC3 - I wouldn’t have coped if DC1 had been like this!

Thank you all. I think that's part of the trouble for me. She's my first to go to school so I have no comparison! I can't really remember school except for the fact I came home very tired when I first started and fell asleep a lot on the sofa.

I feel very reassured now thank you. As it was she came out today telling me that she had, had a brilliant day... I didn't ask what was wrong at all. I just focused on what she liked about today and then let the subject about school drop.

We had a lovely evening together which I am going to make sure becomes a regular event. I think that she just feels she doesn't get enough special time with me. Once she's getting that I think she will be fine.

Thank you all so much again. I can't tell you how relieved I'm feeling!

Please don’t pick her up early or take her out of school. It gives her the wrong message and you’ll be making a rod for your own back.

I haven't picked her up early or taken her out of school. I don't think that would help settle her, in fact it would probably make her more unsettled.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow goes well and that we've turned a corner

I agree that it doesn't mean anything is wrong.

I was a very sensitive child and cried when left at school every day for two years (my poor Mum). But my teachers were lovely and I had friends there.

I'm sure tiredness is a factor at this time of year too.