Nearing wit's end! How to stop 11yo forgetting everything at school EVERY day

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My daughter has always been forgetful. It's becoming worse rather than better. She has a habit of leaving 2-3 things behind at school each day such as her jumper, drinks bottle, her homework and about once a month something goes permanently missing. On these occasions, she claims it wasn't her fault and that somebody must have stolen it because it wasn't where she had left it when she checked the next day.

I label everything. I send my daughter to the lost and found box every Friday.

Things I have tried:

Telling DD to start paying for replacement items herself from her pocket money. She has now run out of pocket money as a result of having to buy a new lunchbox, 3 new water bottles and a new school skirt.

Sending her in with a reminder list each day so she needs to tick off each item before she pops it into her bag to ensure she remembers to bring it home. She forgets about the list (she won't keep it on her desk as she says it's embarrassing).

I have spoken to her teacher and her child carer who collects her after school each day. Both - quite rightly - tell me they don't have time to ensure DD has packed everything at the end of the day and she will soon be starting secondary so needs to learn responsibility for her items.

I've sat her down and had chats with her about how much this is stressing me out and how much money it is costing. She tells me she feels guilty but she can't help being so forgetful.

I've tried a reward chart, giving her a treat each day if she remembers to bring everything home. Tried that for three week and she didn't earn one treat.

She wants a phone for starting secondary next summer. I have told her absolutely NO way can I trust her to look after a phone when she can't even look after a drinks bottle. Now I'm wondering if the phone might actually be a good thing? I can programme reminders 10 minutes before home time to go off telling her to pack things?

She isn't so forgetful with anything else. She does sometimes have issues remembering long sequences or lists but the only impact it's having is on brining her stuff home each day!

Any advice/tips/strategies?

Last week she lost her school shoes! She came home wearing her PE trainers. She's away in this morning with her trainers on and with a strict warning to find the school shoes or it'll be school uniform and school shoes she'll be getting for Christmas and nothing else.

Hmm, intriguing. Does she have to take a water bottle in at all / do they have fountains / could you send her in with just a normal bottle rather than a bought one iyswim? Similarly, could you send her in with things that don't matter so much if they get lost? e.g. takeaway plastic tubs rather than bought lunch boxes (if you happen to have those lying around)? Can you get second hand uniform so it's not so costly to replace? Maybe one to consider next year.. It doesn't sound like she's doing it on purpose so maybe taking the pressure off would help.. presumably she doesn't feel good about costing you money :(

I can't advise as my DS2 is exactly the same. With him, his mind just jumps to the next and he forgets to collect his belongings.

I would say in primary school there were more opportunities to lose things - they had to put their water bottle on a tray in the classroom, had to put lunchbox in a dedicated box and so on. He's now just started at secondary, he has all his possessions on him all the time. He did lose (but managed to get back) his trainers and I've since bought him a big enough bag to fit a PE Kit in as well.

DS2 didn't want to take a phone as he was worried about losing it. He does now take it. His Blazer has a zip pocket, think most do now. TBH he may well lose it at some point, I know I've lost one previously as has DH, so it was bought in the knowledge it may get lost/broken.

Replace lost items with second hand/cheap ones - at least if she doesn't learn her lesson it won't cost you so much. Perhaps if she's embarrassed she'll remember things... maybe?!

I refused to replace anything DD had lost for an entire month once, so she ended up using a carrier bag for her packed lunch and having to drink out the water fountain (I told her teacher what I was doing and why) she has got a lot better at remembering her things, not brilliant still but better than she was. she also seems to be searching the lost property much more thoroughly, 4 jumpers reappeared when I told her I wouldn't be replacing it and she'd just have to freeze (I would have caved in and bought a new jumper once it got cold but she believed me coz of the water bottle and lunch box)

Stick a list of the things she needs to bring home onto her bag - large and stuck firmly for her, her friends and her teacher to see. That way, she only has to remember one thing before she comes out of school: the items on the list.

I think that this sounds a little out of the ordinary for an eleven year old how is she with following instructions generally?

My son has ADD and dyslexia and if I was not behind him getting out of the house on a morning he wouldn’t get to school

Print out a list of things. Stick it in a accessible spot for her to see. Also try getting her to help make her school lunch once or twice a week to start with. What about pictures of actual items she needs? My mom used to find pictures online to help me remember what to take each day. It worked.

Do you pack her bag? If so, stop and let her do it, so she knows what is in there - it may help her memory if she can visualise it.

See if you can condense her list of things to remember down to something easy to remember. Eg, my nearly adult son has a gap in his brain which causes his learning difficulties, poor memory and epilepsy. Every morning he knows he has to do his '2Ss and 2Ts', which is his (anti-perspirant) spray, his (facial) scrub, his teeth and his tablets. It took some time to instill it, but it is working.

It sounds like she may have a problem with executive function. This website seems to explain it quite well.

Don't try to punish or embarrass her. It won't make a difference to what she is able to do.

Secondary school students are required to organise themselves a lot more. You may need to arrange for her to have some sort of support next year to prevent her spending her whole life in detention wondering why she can't manage what comes so easily to her peers.

Is your DD dyslexic? Does she struggle with time keeping too? It sounds like her working memory is poor, if it is she simply won't be able to improve her forgetfulness without extra support.

Strategies I use are having a certain place to put keys/purse/phone/coat as this becomes routine and I won't lose them. Whoever picks her up from school can ask if she has her school jumper, coat, homework and pencil case. Do this every day. It will take a while but this reminder repitition will eventually become a routine that DD remembers. Invaluable for secondary school.

I have a calendar in the kitchen but often forget to look at it. I set reminder notifications on my phone. Tons of them.

You can't set a reminder on her phone to go off 10 minutes before home time, she'll be in class! Most schools don't allow phone use on site anyway, none round here do.

I sympathise but it's going to be so much harder next year if she can't sort it this year.

I've had some success with telling DS a clear number of things he needs to bring home. On a Monday it's 3 - he usually forgets his guitar but if he can see he's only got 2 things it can jog his memory. A bit.

I use the same technique when I'm sending DH to the shop

A technique that helps my dd is to imagine the things she has to remember blocking the doorway out of school. Make it very visual and silly - such as all the kids getting soaked by her giant water bottle, wandering down the sleeve of her giant cardigan etc. Talk about it on the way in to school, make it really attached to the door of her classroom in her mind’s eye.

The other alternative is to have a list in her pocket, and whoever picks her up asks her to check the list, and then waits while she goes back in for whatever she has forgotten. It depends whether her carer is prepared to do this (both the reminder about the list and sending her back in to get things), but it would be an interim step. I’d be tempted to get her to re-write the list each day, to help it get into her long-term memory - maybe a different colour pen each day to make it a bit more fun.

A mnemonic as PP suggested. Make it silly. Ask childcarer to ask her if she's done it. Jumping beans hover spookily = jumper bottle homework shoes.

It sounds to me like she is willing. Punishing her isn't going to help, and she probably feels she is rubbish at this already so do praise what she does remember. She's probably getting over 90pc of it right - there's a lot to remember. I'm not a big fan of reward charts for this, I think she would be doing it if she could. But if you're going to do a chart it needs to be designed so she has a lot of successes with it. No wins in 3 weeks says the bar was much too high. Roll it back to something she can manage. Maybe work on 3 items to start with, ignore other stuff she forgets, just focus on her doing those 3 and praise when she does. When she's reliable on those, expand the list. She needs some success to build on.

Do you model the sort of organistion she needs to be doing when you go on days out, for example? Maybe you can do it very obviously out loud for a while, and then start her doing it to help you on those occasions, and it might transfer to school.

So you clearly making and checking lists before going somewhere (even just verbally). Before you leave a place, saying 'have I got my keys, phone, purse, coat?'. Doing an obvious last look around before you leave somewhere to check for forgotten bags etc. Having a reminder list of things you are carrying as you go out the door that you mustn't forget (saying 'right, today I have my extra jumper, and this letter to post, so I will be sure to check those every time I move locations', and then doing that aloud as you do). Keeping your own keys/phone/shoes in a particular place and being clear about putting them back there and why each time. So even things that are natural and easy for you now, she knows still takes organisation to get them that way.

Sometimes associating the act of checking with something that happens regularly - so when she hears the bell, or sees the clock, or goes through a particular door, or whatever, she can learn to use that as a reminder to check. She might need someone to regularly remind her of that to begin with though, to get it established, so needs the teacher onside.

Following for tips!

Don't get her a phone. If she wants one, that might be the incentive to prove she can look after her things first.

Two suggestions (can you tell I’ve been here?):

1. Notice on the fridge with bullet-point list of stuff needed each day. Get her to read it out loud and say “check” before she leaves the house. Sounds daft, but verbally reciting all the things she needs in the same order each day will file the list into her memory eventually. This can include a phone, get a cheapie pay as you go phone and a cheap sim-only contract so that you’re not shelling out £££. Make it clear that if she loses the phone she gets a model even further down next time.

2. tie everything that can be tied down, to her bag! My DD has house key bungeed to her bag zipper, train ticket bungeed to her blazer, and lanyard was stitched to the blazer for the first term til she decided she could remember it. You could even tie the water bottle on a string to the bag if you really wanted to (though the other alternative is buying a cheap 12-pack of water from Lidl, refilling them and accepting they will go walkies every so often). The phone can be in a case that’s tied to the bag also! (Or stitched on a ribbon to the blazer inside pocket).

What worked for us was counting things in and counting things out. So 4 things in to school (jumper, coat, water bottle, bag) and 4 things out. All DS had to remember was a number. It was subtle so didn’t attract attention from other children. When he came out of school I asked him how many things he had and that would send him scurrying back to get other stuff. On days he walked home alone he would have to go back to school - this only happened a few times. My spies informed me that he was spotted turning back to school on the way home. Now he is in secondary and has more to remember (phone, lunch card, keys etc.) and we don’t need to count things anymore with him - the habit is there.

I also found that losing my anger and the guilt trips over buying new water bottles was helpful. I tried to be matter-of-fact and neutral about the situation. You take stuff in, it needs to come home.

This was a boy so absent minded that he would come home with his pe kit under his uniform because he had forgotten to take it off. And in Y4 came out of school without any shoes on.

house key bungeed to her bag zipper

And nothing in her bag with your home address on it. In case the thing she loses next is the whole bag.

Yep, no id on the bag itself. Good point though. My point was that bungee clippit things are a good way to reduce loss, and look less obvious than strings-through-mittens.