How to discourage 4 year old from playing with 'wrong crowd'

[bronwyn11]

My 4 year old started school a month ago. He has became friends with a group of boys that I would rather he wasn't friends with. Some people may think I'm being snobby but these boys have already been in trouble several times in the first few weeks for punching, kicking & general trouble making. I really feel they are a very bad influence as he is very naive &easily lead. He has already started becoming cheekier in just the few weeks that they've been friends. How do I encourage him to make other friends and keep his distance from those ones? He's only 4 so I need a way which doesn't involve him shouting across the playground 'My mummy says I'm not allowed to play with u'!'

Leave it be, he's only 4! And so are the other CHILDREN he plays with.

When my DS1 was that age he was friends with the naughtiest boy in the class! I wasn't delighted about it but it didn't do him any harm and they gradually drifted apart and made different friends.

4 year olds are now the "wrong crowd"!!!

OP - your DS will encounter children who behave in a way you don't approve of during his entire school days. You won't be able to find a way to avoid all of them. What you can do is teach your DS appropriate behaviour and that "just because X did it" doesn't mean it is ok for him to do it.

They're four so it's unlikely they're going to be getting arrested or doing drugs in the playground. Most naughty four year olds are just immature (it's quite often the younger boys). Friendships at this age are transitory anyway, and kids are more tired and cheeky after starting school. Let it run it's course.

Omg OP they are 4! You should do some reading about a peak in testosterone at this age which explains some of the aggressive behaviors young boys can exhibit- also watch secret life of a 4 year old because I’m telling you now that things are going to change and they aren’t going to be the naughty group forever

You can't split them up. Are you planning to police his friendships through all of primary? Secondary? College? Who he marries?

All you can do is model the type of behaviour you'd like him to display and to criticise the behaviour you do not wish him to copy. E.g. if he tells you that X and Y hit/punched/kicked Z today at play time, you can make it known to your son that such behaviour is wrong because of this point and that point. You can also encourage him to walk away when the boys are doing something naughty so that he doesn't get blamed for it.

He's 4, you need to chill

My 4yr old also started reception, he has a different best friend every day. I wouldn't worry about it OP

There was a thread recently where the op tried to interfere in her daughters friendships and is now ignored by all the mothers at the school. Do not get involved. You cannot influence your son’s friendships choices at that age. Their friendships don’t get fluid until years later.

Good one

I don't have much advice, but I do understand where you are coming from. Sometimes, regardless of age, it is completely clear that a certain bunch of children are not good for your child (and that goes across all kinds of backgrounds).

All you can do is not foster those friendships outside of school, encourage other friendships, and hope for the best.

At 4 I'm not sure you need to worry too much. Perhaps continue to enforce firm boundaries at home if you don't like his behaviour and try to model the behaviour you want to see. Could you set up play dates with some other kids? At that age friendships come and go quickly so try not to worry too much. If you're concerned about behaviour at school could you have a chat with the class teacher about it?

He's 4 not 14. Don't stress out about friendships at this age. He's not on the highway to hell because he's mates with the bad boys. Those bad boys may well turn into hard-working industrious scholars in a year or so.

If my DD complains that somebody is not playing nicely (e.g. a girl who took home her Golden Time toy without asking) I just say "why don't you just play with X and Y as they seem to do Z well (e.g. gym, tell funny stories, run the fastest - whatever your DS fed you about other kids that seemed good or whatever you observed on play dates). It's never good to say Don't play with this kid as your DC will definitely pass it on and that child might be very hurt. It might be that they are acting out for a reason - the girl who took the toy has health issues which cause her appearance to alter badly and clearly she suffers from it, poor thing - I don't care about the cheap golden time toy and I made it an educational moment for my DD to try to understand why the girl acted that way, it made her less upset.

OP, my youngest was exactly the same. Even at toddler groups he had a tendency to latch on to the big bad 3-year-olds, the ones who went into the other room to dash around on the toy cars. He has had friends who are more like him as he's got older - quiet, academic - but his best pals have always been lads who get into trouble at school. I don't even try to police it. They behave impeccably at my house. They're certainly old enough to lead him astray, but they don't.

Just invite the children he should play with round to tea. Lots of children attach themselves to the naughty crowd at first. They are almost certainly more fun to be with. When he matures a bit, he’ll be more savvy about friends - hopefully! In the meantime manipulate as much as you can. It’s what everyone around here does! No fears about being ostracised. It’s the norm!

The kid in DD's class who was spoken of in hushed tones as "very naughty mummy" in year R was lovely in yr1. They've all got a lot of learning to do. Also if they carry on messing about they're likely to annoy your DS at some point and put him off playing with them anyway.

Depends - how naughty is naughty? we have a child in the neighbourhood who from age 5 was absolute trouble (stealing, vandalising cars, accusing people of hitting him, ...). if its that bad, but loads of efford into inviting other children, find a hobby where he meets other kids from his class etc.otherwise, let it run its course and keep an eye on it

Surely a little bad behaviour when only 4 is expected?!. Shouldn't be labelling kids at this age, they are still learning and finding their place after starting school not even a month ago.

OP I really think you should do nothing here, kids are kids and will play together if they want... especially at 4!

Buy him the new iPhone as a motivator.....he only gets to keep it if he plays with the right children....

One of the boy in my ds's school used to be notorious for being very naughty in reception.
By yr3, he was a model student, chosen for every award and every parents' dream child.
They are only 4. Still learning what's right and wrong. You shouldn't label them as wrong crowd yet.

OP please read my active thread just above yours here for a view of being on the other side here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/primary/3381005-Kids-being-kids-or-something-to-worry-about

Thanks for your comments guys.

Blou2 I read your post and I feel for u. It is not nice to be excluded and I don't feel like that mother has dealt with it in a very good way. I was looking for a way to discreetly steer my DS away from these boys without saying directly 'don't play with those naughty boys' because I would never do that.

These boys have just been punching/kicking etc so far YANU no worse like that boy u mentioned, although expulsion has been discussed already in the first few weeks so bad enough. Their families are well known to the school due to older siblings that have been trouble makers & in trouble with police. They live in a bad area where I would not want my son going for play dates. And so yes I am judging 4 year olds partly based on the families they were born into and yes they may grow up to be perfect model citizens (and I hope they do) but so far they are following in their siblings footsteps.

I have no desire to pick his friends for him I would just prefer that he was friends with any of the other 67 people in his year group! When it comes to picking a wife tho I may have to take the reigns for that one! Lol just kidding!

Sorry I meant YURA! Duno what happened to that predictive text!

Who is talking about “expulsion”? From that term, clearly some parents. The word is “exclusion” now and it’s a decision for the Head. However if these children have special needs, don’t expect a quick fix. The school is unlikely to permanently exclude so quickly.