Move school again or wait and see?

[Toomuchsky]

Due to a house move in April, my two DDs (Y2 and Y5) changed school. DD1 has settled really well and found a lovely group of friends... DD2 has not.

It’s been over six months now and DD2 still misses her old friends, teachers and school. She talks about them a lot. She says everyone ignores her at the new school, and has made ‘sort of friends’ (her words) with one girl who, although lovely, shares no interests with DD2 at all. She doesn’t seem to like DD2 that much and tells her what to do a lot going by play dates they’ve had.

I’m finding it very hard as I had such mixed feelings about the move, and to see DD2 go from being so happy at school to being so sad is making me regret moving even more. She’s a bright little thing and loves learning, School was her happy place

There’s another school further away (although on my way to work) which has spaces and is much more similar to DD2’s previous school which she loved- but I’m torn as she hasn’t really had much time at the current one. Maybe she just hasn’t found her ‘tribe’ yet? It’s a small school so not sure if she ever will... although getting two children to two schools is not fun.

How long would you give her to settle before considering another school move?

Hmmm, not sure. It took my ds 3 months before I could see signs that he had settled. By that I mean he had friends and was enjoying the school. What does your DD want to do? And would she want to be in a different school to her sister?

Yes, if I moved her she’d be in a different school to her older sister. Logistical nightmare, but not impossible as potential new school is on the way to work.

She just says she wants to go back to her old school- although I think she’d be happy to move schools, I haven’t asked her outright in case she says yes and we change our minds or can’t do it for some reason.

6 months is a good amount of time and if it’s a small school and she hasn’t found her people, and you and school have tried to facilitate friendships etc, and it hasn’t worked then I would move her I think

I moved my twins at end of year 1, one was settled by the end of the first term of Yr 2, the other took longer but has additional needs and was always going to find it harder - by the end of Yr 2 he was much happier and so far Yr 3 has started well...

It’s a pain having them at different schools but in 2 yrs the eldest will be at secondary and making her own way to school presumably, so it would be a relatively short term thing (I know it sounds like ages but I find the school years just seem to fly by)

I don't know.

We moved schools in Yr 2 due to a house move, and my DC found it REALLY tough. Just old enough that it's become a bit cliquey with the others who've got established friendship groups, but not yet old enough to be a bit more thick-skinned and able to negotiate the choppy waters. It took the best part of a year to settle, if I am honest.

I decided then that I would not move them again unless really necessary, as the disruption would be too much. So in your shoes I wouldn't, I don't think, unless there was a really compelling reason to.

Have you talked to school? And have you invited a whole bunch of them over for playdates - en masse to a party, perhaps? If no birthday is coming up then Halloween might be a good excuse?

If DD wants her old school and the best option for you is her current school, I wouldn’t send her to a third school.

Thank you- I have spoken to the school who say she’s lovely, well behaved and shy. She was never shy before! They have agreed to keep an eye and encourage friendships within the class.

I’m not convinced, but will give it a bit longer and see if she finds her feet.

Thanks again for advice

Sorry, had decided to give it time but just feel so upset by this.

DD2’s come home saying she didn’t have anyone to play with today; I did wonder how much she was exaggerating until her older sister came to tell me (unprompted, weirdly) that DD2 was playing on her own in the playground every playtime today. She’s so sad, and it’s heartbreaking.

Any advice would be appreciated- I’m going to talk to her teacher again tomorrow, but am so disappointed that she hasn’t noticed this only one school day after I talked to her about it.

It’s so hard. I’m sorry. I don’t really have any advice other than play dates with as many different kids as you can stand, and maybe lots of activities to foster friendships outside school.

We’re only as happy as our least happy child

It's really hard, but moving your daughter again might not help. I really feel for you. I moved house when I was 7 years old. Hated it. My parents say it took me over a year to settle. But Now many years later I regard the place we moved to as home, not the first place. I know you want to fix it but Some kids can take a while to adjust.

I've personally found that 'the first friend' who attaches themselves to the 'new kid' are often the most bossy in class - they take over and demand their full attention

Try inviting other girls - throw a tea party and suss out the friendships for yourself

Don't invite the bossy girl just yet and see how they interact

I would also encourage you to invite a few children for a play date. Could be 1:1 if your daughter seems shy or 2-3, whatever fits. Ask the teacher who might be best to invite as she will know all the children's personalities. Create an opportunity for your daughter to get to know the other children in a small group environment - make it fun for the kids, pizza, glitter, chocolate, whatever you think will make their eyes lit up when they come to your house.

Thank you everyone.

I will try and invite kids over- we both work full time so it’s not always easy to make contact with other parents, but asking the teacher to suggest kids is a good idea.

We’re only as happy as our least happy child- how true.

The same thing happened to my daughter - We moved and she never settled in her new school. She had gone from a confident, happy girl to a shy, no friends girl. I have moved her, she is now in a new school and happy again.

I would say you know your daughter and deep inside you know if it’s only an adjustment phase or not.

I believe that if the change is so drastic that’s probably not the right school for her.