Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Feel so sad about school

32 replies

Rudolphtherednose · 15/09/2018 19:44

I kept changing my mind all year between 2 schools and dd has just started at the one that’s further away (1.4 miles on busy roads) and without her nursery friends - just because I liked it a bit more than our local one (10 min walk away). We got the place over the summer, via the waiting list. Now I just can’t stop feeling sad, like I’m in a horrible dream where she’s in the wrong uniform, with the wrong people who aren’t our friends, and we have to get in the car every day (or long walk with toddler) - and I don’t even really believe it’s a better school any more. It’s a great school but so was the other one. She says she likes it, she’s been talking about playing with new friends, and she’s gone in happily enough all week - so I should be grateful, but I just feel miserable. I keep seeing all the downsides and the things that were better about the other school. So many Mumsnet people say go for the local option and I don’t know why I didn’t listen, (I was also completely miserable when I had the place at the local school, and couldn’t remember a single reason I chose it, but I think that was just because I’ve gone a bit mad - it is a really good school.) Now I have created all this upheaval for my daughter for no reason, And all the worry about this is taking over so much that I’m being a fairly useless mother, wife, friend, employee etc as I find it so hard to talk or think about anything else. I know i have also really annoyed the admissions team and both the schools. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and found a way to snap out of it and be grateful for what they’ve got? I’ve tried telling myself to snap out of it. I’ve also tried reminding myself that other people have real problems. But I seem to have just got stuck, I’m also sad about the fact that I’m sad when I should be appreciating this precious time with my little ones. The local school is now full so I can’t switch back again. Any words of advice / comfort?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Ellieboolou27 · 15/09/2018 20:15

If your dd is happy take comfort from that, on the plus side is that she’ll have 2 sets of friends too, old and new.

Don’t worry about the admissions team or anyone else, who cares what they think, your job as a Mum is to make sure your dd is happy, she is = your doing it right.

Anasnake · 15/09/2018 20:17

Have you posted this before ?

Haggisfish · 15/09/2018 20:19

Or put her on wAiting list for other local school.

Original poster

Rudolphtherednose · 15/09/2018 20:42

AnaSnake no I haven’t but I do sound a bit like Beba11!

OP posts:

user789653241 · 15/09/2018 21:44

I think it's quite natural to worry about if you made the right choice or not and feel unsure about it. Starting school is such a big step, for both your dd and yourself.
Good thing is, she is happy and making friends.
It's early days still, and you can always put her on the waiting list later if you want to.
It's time to be happy, and don't worry too much!

SassitudeandSparkle · 15/09/2018 21:53

OP, you do come across as not being happy with either of the schools so it's difficult to see what would make you feel better here, especially as the person who matters here - your DD - says she likes it.

What do you think your DD would get out of a 'perfect' school that she's not getting at the moment? You liked this school the most when you viewed them so that makes me think you saw something there that would really suit your DD. I often find that a gut instinct can be the right one tbh!

Is there something else going on in the background that you are worried about and you are focusing on the school instead? Have you had these kinds of thoughts about something else in the past (is there always something that you are not entirely happy with) or is this a new thing for you?

Be kind to yourself OP.

Original poster

Rudolphtherednose · 16/09/2018 08:52

Sassitude I think she would get local friends to play with and a really nice walk to school and a bit more time at home to relax. In the past my mental health has been quite good - I do worry about things but it’s more proportionate to the actual problem. So I’m not sure what has happened to me!

OP posts:

user789653241 · 16/09/2018 09:06

Whatever you feel, just don't show it to your dd. Don't ruin her excitement about starting school, just because you are unsure.

NoSquirrels · 16/09/2018 09:14

I felt very odd and down just as my first DC started school. There were some other things going on, but the transition to having a school-age DC I found hard and for no apparent reason really - the school was great, my DC was happy. I’m usually very rational and stable! It passed, but I remember feeling very unsettled and anxious and not really sure why.

Don’t underestimate the emotional impact of leaving behind the ‘baby’ years.

for you.

User212787555 · 16/09/2018 09:18

Yes, I have had this before. I could have written your post when DD started Reception. I dreamed every night she was in the wrong uniform, that we’d made a horrible mistake and would never fit in. I couldn’t sleep and was a nervous wreck.

I realised eventually that I was suffering from anxiety related to what felt like the ‘enormity’ of the decision which feels very final. Knowing you can’t change your mind I think gives it this heightened sense of having to make a perfect decision (which is impossible).

In the end I told myself I was suffering from anxiety and not to make any decisions from that place. I put DDs name on a couple of waiting lists to feel like I had options, then promised myself I’s then just give it half a term. By half term I couldn’t remember what I’d been worried about!

I’ve since found at least two other friends who have been through the same. I think it’s pretty normal!

user789653241 · 16/09/2018 09:23

yes, I think it's really normal to feel worried, since it's such a big thing in children's life which school they go. But in reality, it always works out fine. If not, just change school. Primary years are 7 years long. There's plenty of time to change school if it's not right for your dc.

ineedaholidaynow · 16/09/2018 09:27

I think it is much harder when you have choices.

If you didn't have a car then you probably wouldn't have looked at the school DD goes to.

If she is happy, then try not to worry about it. We didn't choose the local school for DS, and worried about our decision especially when DS had bullying problems at the school. But overall we think we made the right decision. DS was happy most of the time and made great friends. The problems he did have, could quite easily have happened at the local school, as friends with children there did have the same problems.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 16/09/2018 10:19

Tbh I think you just need to deal with the decision you made. Moving her now would be a decision for you, not her, and there would be no logical reason to move her even if it wasn’t full.

Witchend · 16/09/2018 10:57

It's a step to take. You need to give it time.

I can remember sitting with a friend who'd changed her child's school due to moving-not far, she could have still got to the old school.
About a week in, she felt she'd made the wrong choice and should have left her.
A term later she told me she'd absolutely made the right choice and was delighted.

And if you want to walk, 1.4 miles isn't too bad if you pop the toddler in a buggy for some of it. When my #2 and #3 started school they had to walk that down to the juniors then almost that back up again tot he infant school-and reverse in the evening. The first few weeks they found it hard, but then they got used to it and quite enjoyed it.

starpatch · 16/09/2018 20:30

I had similar feelings to you felt torn between two schools. In the end DS started a school with me feeling it was the wrong school but too late to change my mind. Those feelings were really strong but over time have gone as aware of advantages of current school.

Original poster

Rudolphtherednose · 16/09/2018 20:48

Thank you for all the advice everyone. I’m glad to hear some of you have been through this and it’s worked out ok for you.

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 16/09/2018 21:01

I think you don't really want her to go to any school....it can hard when they grow up. But you know she has to go somewhere so you've chosen the best option. You just need to trust yourself.

Original poster

Rudolphtherednose · 18/09/2018 20:08

So there’s now a place available at the nearby school where she would be with her best friend and our neighbour, it’s ofsted outstanding and we’d probably save enough time on the school run for me to teach her to read myself. But she’s already started settling in at the further away school. What do I do?

OP posts:

LIZS · 18/09/2018 20:12

Move her. Why are you so concerned about reading just yet?

Original poster

Rudolphtherednose · 18/09/2018 20:24

Not concerned about reading - just an illustration of one way we could spend the extra time more productively than travelling.

OP posts:

Maldives2006 · 18/09/2018 22:23

You are agonising far too much your child is 4, over the last 6 weeks i’ve moved my kids back to the UK from another country. The oldest child has extra learning needs and the youngest one was in the local education system (non English speaking).

They’ve both started at a new school, dance school, swimming club, climbing and ski club.

Now I have to start looking at secondary schools because the oldest is in year 6.

This is a brand new area i’ve never lived in let alone had chance to visit.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 18/09/2018 22:24

You should accept the place. There’s probably someone on the waiting list for the other school too, who could walk there, so win win all round 😄

Maldives2006 · 18/09/2018 22:25

Why i’m trying to say is she will be fine

DarkDarkNight · 18/09/2018 23:22

I could have written this. My son was so sad to leave his Nursery friends and still asks why he isn’t at School with them. He had a lovely group of friends and I don’t know if he will be that close to these children .

I am obsessively worried about him making friends to the point I saw a little boy he previously said he was friends with ignore him in the playground and I cried all the way home. He’s so sensitive it’s hard not to worry.

NoSquirrels · 18/09/2018 23:27

So move her. The time is now - it won’t ever be this simple ever again.

BUT you must solemnly swear to get involved, join the PTFA and be an advocate for the school, not a whinger...

Can you do that?

Your choice is now 7 years of commute or 7 years of active parenting in the interests of the Ofsted Outstanding school.

Flip

1 2