Feeling guilty

[Mamamamamamamam]

A place just came up at the slightly further away, wonderful school that all parents rave and gush about and that I loved when I looked round - and I turned it down in favour of the nearer, so-so school where we already had a place (a 7 minute walk instead of a 6 minute drive away). And all my real reasons were either selfish or short term - ie ease of transition, convenience of journey, not wanting us both to have to make new friends, knowing my daughter was keener on the nearer one having already done several visits (but there was time to talk her round). Basically I wasn’t brave enough to go with my gut. Now I feel terribly guilty. Why have I done this? How can I ever stop worrying about it?

You never know if the school is good or not until your dc is there. All the reason you thought about choosing the school is really important.
School will change in 7 years. You really don't know which school will be classed as better school when your dc is in yr6. You can always move school if you want. Be positive. Your dc can sense your worry. Don't let it show.

Hi OP, just wanted to clarify - is it the nearer school (at which an offer has been made) that your DD likes?

Yes my daughter currently prefers and has a place at the nearer one. I turned down the place that came up via the waiting list at the further one.

(She has already started transitional visits with her nursery, which is why she wants to go there)

To be honest, if she likes it, and it's alright, I'd not stress too much. Worst case scenario and it is an awful school you could look to move her at a later time.

I'm fairly lucky that we have all good schools in my area, but my preference was for the nearest one to us. DD had seen the children coming and going and was interested in that one too.

Ultimately, it's only primary school (which I didn't think I'd be saying when DD first started), and there is plenty of time for academic progress. If the school have transitional visits then that's good, it means the children will be less stressed about starting. As irvine says, the school will change over time, and 'good' this year could be 'outstanding' another as the goalposts change constantly.

I recognise that feeling of guilt for having chosen the convenient school over the one you liked better. However, those ‘selfish’ reasons of an easy commute and local friends are really good reasons when you consider that your child is likely to be at the school for 7 years!

When we visited schools I fell for the slightly further away, 2-form entry, Ofsted outstanding, more academically pushy school, but DH was adamant that the smaller local school made more sense. I slowly came round, and by the time we submitted our application for DD I was happy with the decision to send her to the local school.

I still have ‘what if’ moments three years on, especially when I feel that my bright, outgoing DD is a bit of a ‘big fish’ in her little pond, but my DD is happy and thriving, and the logistics are straightforward.

However you feel inside, make sure you are nothing but positive with your DD about the school she’s going to. I’m sure it will be fine.

Thank you everyone. Just can’t forgive myself. The other one was so perfect for her. Can’t sleep. Keep crying. Can’t enjoy time with the kids. Can only think about this one thing. I know I’m overreacting but I can’t help it!

Hi, I kind of know how you feel as am going through similar feeling. How do you know though that the other one was 'perfect' for her? That is something you will never know until she actually starts. Don't get me wrong, I think it is more a case of that it is perfect for you and perfect for the ideal image you had for her schooling. I can imagine the social pressure must be getting to you if it's the school everyone raves about. I am trying to convince myself that I should leave my children where they are happy. Many people overlook this and you cannot beat the advantage of children going to their local primary and being part of their local community. This is a vital learning skill and experience for children which can be even more important than academic grades. I really miss my parents days where most people just sent their kids to the nearest school and there was not all this parent choice. I know many parents who send their kids to certain schools just so they can say 'my kid goes to so and so school' and they turn their nose up at other primary schools. At the end of the day we're not choosing between private and state. They're both state. It's really hard and I have battled like you with this. Again, I have been pressured socially and it has caused me awful sleepless nights and days where I stress that I have ruined their lives! If you changed her schools, do you think you would feel guilty?

I think we all think that if we don't have the perfect school, life will be terrible for our kids.

In reality, many schools will be/could be a good fit. The perfect school doesn't exist, so for example this school further away, may be all singing, all dancing etc, but it is 6 minutes drive. Which means friends are further away, and there is no chance of her walking herself as she gets older. So it isn't the perfect school either.

At primary level there is a lot to be said for a local school. You need a school that is 'good enough' a school where she will be happy and have friends is a large chunk of what makes a primary school successful.

I sent my children to the really good school everyone wanted to go to because I felt it was the best fit for dd. It's now falling apart and everyone is leaving. I did what was best for her at the time but things can change quickly. Having things like local friends and getting there easily are one of the few things that can't change.

What steppemum said.
I put a LOT of value on a school being within walking distance. Remember your dd won't always be 4, she will want to walk with friends and on her own as she gets older. She will want to be able to walk round to a friend's house. There will be times when for one reason or another you can't drive her there - the close one will be easy to arrange for her to walk up with someone who lives near you. I don't know if you have other dc, but it gets more complicated then, with trips up and down to school to collect at different times.
All this means the child benefits from being at their local school.
As you haven't said the closer school is dire, then I presume it is 'fine' / 'good enough'. whatever it is that caught your eye at the other school might not turn out to be so good in reality, or might change as staff change over the years, but the distance to walk won't change.
In early years of schooling, the biggest influence on the progress of the child is their home and family anyway, not the school.