9 yr old's temper/anger management problems

[angermanagementproblems]

Name changed for this as other people I know use MN. More a lurker than poster, but have been here a while.

To cut a long story short, what can I do to support my 9 yr old ds to manage his temper? He's always been very impulsive, but there have been too many situations now where he has hit/pushed etc other children. The trigger is often feeling humiliated or laughed at. I'm worried about where this is gong to end up.

At home, I make sure that he eats well, gets enough sleep, spends plenty of time outdoors, sees his friends, does things that he likes etc. He has no access to screens other than a bit of tv at the weekend. We talk, try to problem solve, the only person's behaviour that you're responsible for is your own etc etc.

I bought a copy of 'Volcano in my stomach' which he has refused to engage with. He's very obstinate, and I don't know how to make him. In fact, I don't want to make him - I just want to be able to support him.

On the other hand, he can be utterly adorable, very funny, very empathetic and kind, has lots of friends and can really enjoy life.

He lives with me, his dad and his sister. Life pretty fully on and busy, but no major problems since he was a baby (I was unwell - acutely but not long lasting).

I feel like I'm letting him down as a parent. What else can I do to help him?

TIA

As you know the trigger, have you approached his school about it? Do you know how he is in class or is it just outside of the classroom? Definitely engage with his teacher first and see what they have to say, it might be that there is an underlying issue at school that could be resolved with their help.

It's so hard isn't it, you want to fix your own kids problems, but sometimes it needs someone outside to help. It sounds like you have a very happy family life so hopefully your son's school may be able to help.

Whilst he it's absolutely not OK to push/hit, I would also ask him what was happening before he was laughed at or humiliated? What was the context and build up to it? Are these kids doing it because they know they'll get a reaction and think it's funny for example?

Could you do some role-playing at home about it, where he acts out as himself, and you can think of some funny one-liners he can say and then walk away from them? Remind him that it's powerful to ignore people who are being unkind, as it doesn't give them what they want. It's a bit like "Don't feed the trolls!".

Thanks for your replies. Yes, I've been talking to school throughout this academic year. I was called in just before Xmas to discuss his behaviour, and the welfare person basically described lots of incidents in which he'd got angry because he'd been bullied. Exactly as you said, shawshanks - children were teasing him about his size (he's tiny) to get a rise and he responded by getting angry rather than walking away or telling a teacher.

Once I escalated the situation to the SLT, it was dealt with under the bullying policy. He has been having daily 1:1s with a TA that he's known for years and seeing a counsellor via the school. Things seemed to be getting better, though have flared up again the last few weeks. I don't think it helped that the welfare person didn't flag this up as bullying sooner, but there we have it.

I did some role play/talking through playmobil people etc a few months ago. Maybe I need to do some more. We have been over and over the power of ignoring people and that the only person's behaviour you can control is your own, but he can still be so impulsive when he's already riled.

I'm feeling so down and powerless about this.

I think Playmobil is a bit babyish for a Y4/5 so will he really engage in this? I wonder if he could understand that, just as much as he does not like bullying, he would not like to be on the receiving end of being hit either. Two wrongs do not make a right as we used to say. Therefore can he learn to take time to think about his actions and find a responsible adult if he feels under pressure? I think this is a mature response of course, and he is not there just yet. Why does he feel worried about his height? Can you get to the root of this? I assumehe is not that small if he uses violence to make a point!

I think I would try and see the SEND Co-ordinator at school. Talk through his triggers with them and both of you give him a strategy for dealing with it. It is clearly a bit of disconnect to try and do everything at home which is not a school situation. Can he have a named supervisor to go and see if things get a bit tough? Can he be observed on the playground?

I would also be a bit more forthright about the bullying. Lots of children are small and boys seem to find this to be an issue more than girls. There are plenty of successful smaller people! Find some role models and give him some self esteem. Find something he is good at or enjoys which has nothing to do with height.

Thanks. I've had some conversations with the SEND person at school and the school have been trying to support him.

The root of the problem is him learning to manage his anger, which is sparked when he's teased about his size. He only started minding about being small when he was being bullied about it, although of course as children get older they usually become more aware, so this may have happened anyway.

He loves playmobil by the way. He found the bullying very humiliating (which was why he didn't tell anyone) and talking through/acting out scenarios through figures or puppets was the only way to get him to open up.

I would reinforce the message you've already given him, think of it as a refresher! SENDCO should also be able to give him strategies, like some time out for him to calm down, and praised when he does so, as he's recognising that he needs to calm and handle his feelings rather than lash out.

Does he know that the other children will be dealt with? Or does he feel it's not being dealt with and therefore that's why he doesn't go to staff?

I don’t think he is too old for Playmobil.

I also know it’s currently fashionable on Mumsnet to disparage or have a go if anyone dares suggests ASD (even though it is incredibly under diagnosised at the ‘high functioning’ end), but I think it is notable that this is getting worse as we approach the end of the school year. The uncertainty that is coming up, the impending change to structure and routine, classes are probably already a bit less predictable, and then a new teacher in September...! A lot for any 9yo to process, but bloody overwhelming for a 9yo on the spectrum.

We've wondered if there is anything 'diagnosable' and what, if anything the benefits of pursuing a diagnosis would be for him. We've looked through the symptoms of ASD and ADHD and he doesn't really seem to fit them. He can be incredibly empathic and kind and is very sociable. He can sit still and get very absorbed in an activity. There's some sort of 'red mist' that descends when he feels out of control or humiliated in some way (guess that must feel threatening to his sense of self?)

It does feel very much the end of the school year in terms of tiredness and his older sibling will be going to secondary school in September - this is a huge wrench for him and is weighing heavily.

Re: not telling people about the bullying. Initially I think it was because he felt very embarrassed and ashamed about it. It was only when I was called in to school to discuss his 'behaviour' and I suggested that we think why his behaviour had suddenly changed that the bullying came to light. It took quite a lot to get my ds to tell me about it and he still never, ever tells an adult. I think he has this idea that he needs to sort it out himself (honestly don't know where that has come from). It would be easier if he took the bursting into tears and telling someone approach.

Thanks for your responses. I feel that I've somehow let him down with my parenting, although I can hand on my heart say that I've always tried to do my best by him.

I’m sharing a link to a very interesting booklet about asd and girls. The reason for this is because girls can so often ‘mask’ their autism, and you might be surprised at some of the preconceptions about what a child on the spectrum must or must not present like. Although you write about your son, it might be insightful.

www.yellowladybugs.com.au/school

You have to give name and email to access it, but I assume you can just make one up if you don’t want to pass on your details.

You haven’t let him down. And this is only one chapter. He still has his whole life to live. You are trying your best and things will get better - keep trying and something will click eventually.

My 9yo DS2 is a little bit similar - he is smallest in his year (tiny compared to some of the biggest boys). He too gets the red mist, though almost always at home, controls himself at school.

What about a strategy of embracing his smallness to take some control?? E.g. DS2 has had various nicknames that play on his smallness and surname - or something like "mini-Michael" - I wasn't sure when I first heard this but he's made it clear that he's happy and this is a Cool Thing and an identity thing for him, so any size-related teasing loses power.

Have you also tried any kind of meditation skills - eg Headspace Kids?? Maybe his school help is already doing that, but can give some practical temper management skills.

We also had a book called "what to do when your temper flares" - was goodish.

Nottakenusername thanks for that booklet. I've only skimmed it, but I've been wondering today whether it's relevant that he's has an ongoing personality clash with a girl in his class who is on the ASD spectrum. In a nutshell, she's quite fixated on him, follows him around wanting to be friends, he finds her annoying and wants her to leave him alone, she can't/isn't able to do this and so on. He never talks about this situation at home, but I've heard from other children/parents that this little girl frequently makes up minor wrong about ds ('he pushed me') to 'get him into trouble'. I completely believe that there is no maliciousness in her behaviour towards him and no teacher has ever spoken to me about it, but I do wonder if the on-goingness of that is grinding him down?

I'm going to speak with the Head tomorrow and hopefully the SENCO re anger management strategies. The SENCO is very approachable and I'll speak with her as to whether we go to GP etc.

Thanks so much for your responses.

My DDs loved Playmobil too - but it had waned by 9. I didn’t mean to be rude.

That's no problem bubbles. Things come over differently on the screen than in words. I'm just feeling a bit sensitive at the moment!

Have you read the explosive child. This is the authors website which may be helpful
www.livesinthebalance.org/my-explosive-child

Ds1 had a similar problem aged 7/8, the strategy he was taught was to imagine he was a turtle, to figuratively put his head in his shell, count to ten and give him time to calm down. Simple, but worked very well! soon after this we discovered he was dyslexic (although he hid it well,with strategies he'd developed himself to cope ).

Thanks all. I've arranged a meeting with the SENCO for next week.

We had a brief discussion today re: finding strategies which he can use at home and school, and considering the benefits of CAMHS referral/ going to GP. I know there's a very, very long wait for CAMHS, but I don' think there is anything to lose.

Feeling like things are hopefully a bit more in hand today.