can you give me some opinions please on these two incidents - am starting to have doubts about dd1's school

[harpsichordcarrier]

DD1 starts school in January (deferred entry). School is v local to us and I debated a long time before putting her name down to go there. Anyway a couple of things have happened in the last few days which have made me very uneasy about the school and I wonder if I am being sensitive or have unrealistic expectations.
I was at a toddler group in the school hall on Friday when the head walked through on his way ot his office. One of my friends spoke to him to introduce herself - her ds has taken a place that has become free. Anyway, the head just launched into this whole spiel about - how lucky she as to get the place (she lives literally 200 yards away from the school) and she could consider it a great privilege to go there, that it is a very popular school, that the standards of discipline would be very different to those her son was used to at other school (rather sneery about this school, thought), that he had better knuckle down and do as he was told, that he expected her to be on time every morning and he wouldn't tolerate any lateness, and theere were lots of other people who would love that place... all this in front of all the other parents! now I know that she has had problems with discipline and lateness in the past and I thought this was a huge lapse of judgement on his part.
And yesterday another friend told me she went to her first parent's evening and entirely out of the blue the reception teacher told her that she was "at the end of her tether" with her dd because she wouldn't come when she was called! that the rest of the group would come but her dd would carry on playing and always needed to be asked again. my friend (who is a sensible sort btw) said this had never been mentioned before despite the fact she has seen the reception teacher countless times in the past months. Wouldn't it be usual to mention something like this before reaching the end of the tether? I know the reception teacher has some difficulty in communicating with adults, and I was rather surprised that she has refused (consistently) to visit the preschool to meet her new intake (the preschool is across the road.

sorry, long ramble but would appreciate your views/experiences

TIA

Yes, and it would take a HUGELY disciplinarian school to flatten your dd's spunk, I think.
I would be more worried about sending my dd there if she were the craven, timid type.

Not same area as me but v. similar situation. It's a really difficult choice - I sympathise! I chose a school that didn't do as well academically (but still did ok) over one that was strict and at top of league tables for similar reasons.

OFSTED was slavering with pleasure
I think that's sort of my plan, try it and see and have a back up.
need to work on my back up....

Did that sound rude? Sorry.

As I said, I too got hung up on something similar. But I was wrong. Ds is happy, doing well and loves his teacher.

And his spirit remains defiantly intact.

ooh yes: can you volunteer to "help" (i.e. watch) in some way? I tell dd's class stories sometimes. It helps her confidence no end.

well it isn't just one comment, it is the whole ethos of the school, to be fair. very strict uniform &c &c.
the comment stuck ith me because I know the child concerned so I was very surprised. I think I definitely know WAAAAAAYYYY too much about this school, the teachers and the staff. there isn't going to be a honeymoon period

Sorry, I was breaking spirit comment, which was probably over the top. But it sounds as if they have discipline as a selling point and harpsi's dd sounds like someone who maybe won't respond well to that. So I think give it a go but have a back up, definitely.

Ok, if I put my generous head on maybe head was caught on an off day and recept teacher didn't use those exact words and just thought 'oh there's x I must speak to her'

yes, I think volunteering is a good suggestion. dd2 will start preschool next year so that will be a good opporunity.
no it didn't sound rude bbs. I am worried at the moment because dd1 just turned four and she is getting quite anxious about going to the big school and I think I am getting PFBitis.
thanks to everyone for your input. much appreciated.

Can you delay her going? That's another option, wait until you think she's a bit older/ready for that. (can't remember how old she is though)

God I agonised over ds starting school. Fortunately his reception teacher was a paragon of all virtues and eased us all into it very nicely. Which is why I'm having a harder time with his year 1 teacher, who is just an ordinary very good teacher, and therefore cannot live up to her predecessor.

I shall have got it out of my system by the time dd starts.

Unless the paragon of all virtues leaves .

I cannot bear the thought...

My dd1 is all of the things you describe, and was at a school which is quite strict and disciplinarian, not alway in a very intelligent way. She is now in secondary school, but I can confidently report that her spirit has been in no way broken by the experience -- on the contrary, she had ample opportinity to sharpen her already pointed tongue and work out how to be maximally insolent without doing or saying anything that the teacher could actually concretely object to.

Now I'm not saying this is a good thing, and in many ways it wasn't, although it has given her a certain edginess she might not have had in a school where her face fitted better. BUT if it actually becomes a problem you will have loads and loads of warning -- it's pretty easy to tell the difference between a one-off and a series of events that point to an underlying clash between the child/family and the school.

So don't freak out at this stage, and particularly don't be freaked out by second-hand reports of incidents that you haven't actually witnessed. Mentally log them for future reference, yes, but no more than that. Then wait and see how your dd gets on. You can still take action at a later stage if it becomes clear that she (and you!) would be better off somewhere else.

got nothing useful to say but wanted to post just so you know i dont think its 'boring'... i just have no idea!

ooh x posted with frogs.
i like her answer. that sounded v sensible to me.

thanks frogs, I appreciate your advice because everything I read on here makes me conclude that our dds are similar in lots of ways.
cat 64, yes year on year. I am not saying it is necessarily her sole decision but truly it takes a monumental effort for her not to come....

Hmm, I think I agree with frogs. Also bear in mind that you have another one coming along (iirc) who may well be a completely different personality who would settle into this school like a duck to water.

Also, helping in school and seeing exactly what the teachers have to put up with nowadays, even with the youngest children, might steer you towards thinking that a school hot on discipline is no bad thing. Alternatively, you might throw up your hands in horror and decide to home ed your "free-spirited" child. Either way, a lot more research and first hand experience is needed IMO.

i think the Head was blowing his own trumpet to be honest and possibly does think it is a very sought after school (is it?)

As for the reception teacher, I imagine they get lots of recurring problems of this sort from children and maybe reaching the end of her tether is a bit strong but you dont know who she had seen before hand - maybe the words just came out wrong to your friend.

How do you actually feel about the school generally? Why did you put your dd down for a place? are you anxious about her starting school?

I can see why you are concerned, but don't think it's grounds to change your mind about sending your dd there. I am assuming the school has a good reputation - you say the ofsted report was excellent.

Is the school holding a summer fair? If so, why not go along to it. Even better if you can go with a friend who knows who the teachers are - do some evesdropping, see what parents and teachers are talking about, get chatting to some of them. See how you feel after that.

i quite like the sounds of the heads values in his school.

i agree the thing about not coming when being called should have been mentioned sooner but not a huge deal.

actually, part of the problem is that I spend a lot of time in the school and always have done. I teach there in the evenings, I know some of the staff, I go to toddlers in the school hall one morning, I go to summer fairs and Christmas fairs and PTA quizzes and all of that.
it isn't fear of the unknown, it's dread of the known.
nappyaddict, do you think it is appropriate for a head to talk about a child's discipline problems/lateness issues in front of other people? because I still think, even on reflection, that is a very bad lapse of judgement tbh.

Well, from a teacher and a mum's POV I'd say not to worry about the first thing as it sounds like he was just showing off. But, I wouldn't be happy about the situation with the Reception teacher. Not just because of your friend's experience but the refusal to visit the pre school just isn't on.

A good Reception teacher knows the importance of transition. She should also know that for many parents, she is the first 'rung' of formal schooling IYKWIM. Therefore, she should be choosing her words carefully. The best Reception teachers I have worked with have been first class on these.

When I was looking for a school for DS, I discounted two where I didn't feel easy with the Reception teacher/classroom despite both schools offering lots of other plus points. For me, a child's experience in Reception can shape their whole view of school.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

harpsichord, in answer to your question about the head speaking about discipline problems within earshot of other parents, I do remember the head at our primary school doing this to me about my oldest son.

He didn't do it to openly or particularly loudly, didn't deliberately include outsiders in our conversation but neither did he always make it top secret or discreet.

Possibly semi public tellings off is a habit some teachers get into and do it unthinkingly. I have to say, this head is very good at his job and the school is excellent and I feel very happy that our sons are there.

that's interesting tigermoth. I think some of this is "culture shock" for me coming from a corporate environment, where semi public tellings off would be wildly frowned upon, and also you don't raise anything in an appraisal (read: parent's evening) that should come as a surprise.
I thikn I just need to get into the school mindset.
or not

When your child starts primary school you will be amazed at how many totally mad people there are out there...

...and that's just the teachers!

oh yes, fortyplus. How very true!