Residency order/school parental contact - advice pls

[timefliesby]

Hi all,
Just after some advice really.
I have a residency order for my two children, but I share parental rights with their father.

• I left him 6 years ago, he was controlling and emotionally abusive
• Fast forward 6 years, I have an issue with a teacher who seems to be taken in by my ex. There's been a few clues but the most recent has caused me to raise a complaint.
• Last week the children were due to do an activity day off-site, I work over an hour from school and had a missed call at 10am when I was in a management meeting.
• I left the meeting to listen to the vm which said my son's pumps were missing from his PE bag. No more info than that and as I was in a meeting a 2.5 hr round trip from school and he wasn't unwell, I went back to my meeting
• They didn't ring again until 3pm when they left a message to say he hadn't been able to attend the activities which included archery etc. due to "inappropriate footwear"

- I was surprised by this decision, I would have thought the worst case scenario was he wore his school shoes, which are trainer-like anyway! After all it wasn't football requiring studs or something. It was archery and bowls and out-of-the-ordinary activities.

• To add to this, they rang my ex (also after the event at 3pm) and told him "they couldn't get hold of me" and as a result, my son had had to stay at school on his own all day whilst every other child went to activity day
• Cue an abusive email from the ex, telling me I was "damaging my son's self-esteem etc"
• Having not had a satisfactory response from the school as to why they made the decisions they did, I have now escalated it through the formal complaints procedure, having thought long and hard for a week.
• My question really is should the residency order that clearly states that I have the vast majority of the care of the children during term-time give me the right to ask the school not to contact their father for these kinds of incidents when they are in my care? It turned what should have been a small thing into a much bigger issue.

No abuse please, I am fully aware of my short-comings as a working mother trying to do it all. I have beaten myself up enough about the lack of pumps. Believe me.

If my kids had forgotten their trainers that meant missing out on an activity I'd be greatful that the school was trying to contact anyone who might rectify the situation.

It's a bugger but really not the school problem and you have no right to block any contact between school and a person with parental responsibility

Hmm, I'd say if you had been asked to make sure your child had the correct footwear and he didn't then it's not unreasonable he couldn't attend the activity. I'm not sure why they would be calling his Dad after the event but maybe they called him earlier and he didn't pick up the message until later?

If he is on the emergency contact list the school presumably just worked their way down that when they couldn't get hold of you in the hope someone could bring him the shoes.
I think you could ask the school to make enquiries like that only to you, but your ex could equally request that he is contacted about such things.

However, accidents happen and things get forgotten so your ex is BU to make a fuss over it. Be glad you are shot of him.

Yokatsu - he lives three hours from school and they rang after the event. So really just to tell him the situation rather than ask him to rectify it. Also I have no intention of blocking contact between him and the school altogether, despite him being a fairly revolting individual.

Childrenofthesun nope they rang at 3pm. He was very specific "the school just called me" and as they had just rang me it was definitely an "after the event" call. He's also fourth on the emergency contact list after my parents and husband (due to living three hours away).
I think I'm going to do what you suggest and ask that where he reasonably cannot help, the enquiries come to me or my parents.

If they’d called him after their first call to you, trying to get him to bring suitable footwear then it would make sense. But not calling him til later, when he can’t resolve the issue, was utterly pointless. They also should’ve made it clear on their first call to you that not bringing shoes would mean him missing out.

I’m not sure of the legalities of taking him off school contact lists if he has parental rights. But I would expect them to add a note to only contact him in an emergency if they can’t get hold of you (and if you have other emergency contacts, such as grandparents, to contact them first).

Yes thank you Glumglowworm that is what I thought. I am going to reiterate the situation and ask that they use the numbers on the emergency contact list in order.

If it was done after it was too late to bring the shoes in, it absolutely was done because they felt he needed to know. You really won't do yourself any favours by questioning their judgement or trying restrict his contact in any way. They have already shown they are supporting Dad's case, you really don't want to be giving them ammunition.

If at any point you end up back in court and they find out you've tried to restrict schools contact with school will look really bad for you. And let's face it if your ex really is a shit and the school don't see through it, one of them would tell them you've done it.

You need to be whiter than white in your dealings with the school and building a strong relationship with them. And you need to be gunning for parent of the year award, you really cant make mistakes so big that your child misses a trip out. Ideally you need them to see him for the shit that his is, they won't do that if they're too busy being annoyed at you.

You school really are your biggest ally, play the long game.

My question really is should the residency order that clearly states that I have the vast majority of the care of the children during term-time give me the right to ask the school not to contact their father for these kinds of incidents when they are in my care

No it does not. He has PR. You therefore cannot stop the school contacting him. You can request that they don't in this kind of situation but you can't prevent them from doing so.

Wow I think it was very rigid of the school not to let him do the activity with normal school trainers but I guess that must have been the external provider that perhaps specified what footwear was acceptable? I think you should try and clarify this.

I also hope they checked if anyone had spares or in the lost box?

I think you are right to complain though or at least seeking clarifications.