Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Flip

Original poster

8yr old now refuses to go to school

24 replies

Imafrayedknot18 · 21/05/2018 13:07

I have a very bright DD. She was quite happy in Reception. Since yr1 has become increasingly unhappy with school - difficult behaviour in others which seems to have to be put up with instead of being tackled by teachers. I have chatted to her teacher at beginning of this year and I thought things would get better, but it's got a lot worse. Her work is suffering, her mental health is suffering. She doesn't want to do her homework, she doesn't want to read with me. She takes no pride in what she can do. Her handwriting has got worse. She is very bright and seems to get used to be a good influence on others. She point blank refuses to go to school. It is a battle to make it happen. Seeing this written down absolutely breaks my heart.

OP posts:

Cantchooseaname · 21/05/2018 13:11

That sounds very tough- it must be difficult to see her feel like that.
I think if you have spoken to class teacher the next step is the head. I would take list of concerns and impact on your daughter.
Ultimately though I would be considering school options- is there somewhere else she could go? If it’s a tricky cohort anything but an experienced decent teacher is going to struggle.

Sirzy · 21/05/2018 13:13

I would start by stopping homework and school reading keep home and School separate.

Can she articulate why she doesn’t want to go? What are School saying and doing?

Original poster

Imafrayedknot18 · 21/05/2018 13:22

There is one very good state primary that would be a good option, but it is small and they are full. I will have a chance to get some independent advice from their HT though. Our school - I know it too well, and I see that a lot of stuff is glossed over and not dealt with. One problem is one of her teachers, very sadly. DD has no clue what she should do - she gets told off for telling her of a problem, she gets told off if she doesn't. They were doing maths the other day and going through the questions and the teacher said one wrong but all the kids were oblivious, until DD piped up with the correct answer, and she was shouted at for contradicting the teacher. The class is punished altogether if one or two kids do something naughty - kept behind at lunchtime. DD comes home with mostly uneaten packed lunch because she was kept in and didn't have time to eat but was desperate to go to sewing club. It's toxic, isn't it..

OP posts:

Original poster

Imafrayedknot18 · 21/05/2018 13:26

I am very aware that DD could be exaggerating some things and we have had lots of chats about why she isn't happy and how she could think differently about things and let stuff go, but there is a limit. I think I am answering myself. I was hoping to just get to the end of this year and hopefully she will get a particular teacher next year - I think that every year!

OP posts:

TeenTimesTwo · 21/05/2018 13:31

Appeal for the school that is full.

Can you take her out and home ed for a while?

Frenchiemamax · 21/05/2018 13:33

How awful, it sounds like the school need to deal with this teacher before other students are also affected. I think you should look for another school for your DD.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 21/05/2018 13:38

id personally apply to the other school then withdraw her from the one she is in until she gets accepted at the other. If you can at all spare the time to homeschool her for a year? It takes a lot less time that ordinary school remember as you arent teaching a whole class, you only need two hours out of a day to follow the curriculum to keep up. There are often homeschool groups in areas that do group activities and days out and stuff for the social side.

I personally would not risk solidifying these anti school issues with my child by forcing her to attend a school at which she was deeply unhappy. If she is bright and the issue is not behavioural but just that its a toxic environment for her.... then id just take her out until you can find a place at another school for her.
You dont want this to become a traumatic thing that puts her off education for the rest of her life. Im not in favour of just solidering on forcing children to be in environments where they are made deeply unhappy... its not going to foster a love of learning is it?

Original poster

Imafrayedknot18 · 21/05/2018 13:39

TeenTimesTwo - I will visit the school that is full. It's so sh*t because at parents eve, I'm told how lovely/bright/helpful/friendly she is. All I have left of her is a bag of angry anxiety.

She would be so lonely if I home Ed her. We are a bit out in the sticks.

OP posts:

user789653241 · 21/05/2018 13:41

If she was unhappy since yr1, it has been going on for 3 years now? So all the teacher has same approach in regards to dealing with bad behaviour etc? If so, this school sounds awful. Definitely worth looking for other schools in that case.

Original poster

Imafrayedknot18 · 21/05/2018 13:43

thetriangleisarealinstrument - can I do that? Withdraw her, I mean, and tell authority I will home school her? I'm going to look at local groups......

OP posts:

Original poster

Imafrayedknot18 · 21/05/2018 13:45

Thankyou for your replies - it is really helpful. I really need to do something more. Have pussyfooted around for too long.

OP posts:

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 21/05/2018 13:55

yes you can. You just write them (your daughters school) a letter telling them you wish to withdraw her... if i were you id probably say that it was due to her anxiety and that you did intend to return her to a different school the following year.
You have a legal right to do that but the LEA may ring you or pay you a visit to check its all legit and you are doing it for the reasons you are saying, and they might want to ask how you intend to teach her etc.... you are under no legal obligation to speak to them or show them anything etc but from what I understand they dont actually require much detail, especially if your intention is to return the child to school after a year.

You hear the odd horror story about the LEA forcing parents to return a child to school... but actually even if that did happen to you it wouldnt make any difference as you will have applied to another school and be intending to return her to school anyway... so I think those horror stories only apply to people who wish to homeschool permanently and not to involve the LEA at all.
I know lots of families who homeschool near me and none of them have ever had any trouble from the LEA they just get asked for a chat once a year about what their kids have been doing and sometimes they want to talk to the child.. thats about it.

Do just google it. Theres plenty of info online and templates for the letter you have to write to de register your child from school.

Theres quite a big home school community in the UK so im sure there will be a group near you that does social activities. Look out also for forest schools and things like that. A family near me who homeschool also send their child to a local forest school which does outdoor type stuff which I guess serves as PE. Local school here also run some sport activities for home ed children.

I think if you can spare the time then it could work well for year until she gets into another school. Hopefully it will give her some head space and she will be in a better emotional state when she returns to school.

Sirzy · 21/05/2018 13:56

I would be cautious of going down the home ed route unless long term. Otherwise as soon as you mention going to a new school that will most likely massively ramp the anxiety up again.

TeenTimesTwo · 21/05/2018 13:58

Yes you absolutely can withdraw and homeschool her. I am going to tag the admissions experts @prh47bridge @admission in case it could go against you in appealing for the other school.

As 8yr I assume now in y3? From y3 upwards class size limit rules aren't so tight.

If not on waiting list for other school(s) then get yourself on them now.

Have you got much/anything in writing re the issues? I'm wondering if it might help with appeal for elsewhere.

prh47bridge · 21/05/2018 14:05

Home educating a child should not go against you in appealing for another school. However, given the situation it would be helpful if you have (or can generate) a paper trail showing that you have tried to resolve the problem with your daughter's current school but they have not responded adequately. I'm afraid that may mean keeping her at her current school a little longer while you write letters/emails to the head about the problems with this teacher.

Original poster

Imafrayedknot18 · 21/05/2018 14:14

I just have a few e-mails where I have asked them to talk to DD because she is reluctant to go to school, and reply from one of the two class teachers saying she has resolved one immediate issue (of another older child kicking DD on a number of occasions - they have been sat on the same table), and by the way she has had to talk to DD over last couple of days because of her behaviour :/ - seems to be deflecting instead of being genuinely interested? Left me with a bad feeling that there is no interest. DD has felt she has now attracted more negative attention to herself.
Perhaps I should escalate? Put down in writing what I am getting from DD about teacher's approach? Let them come back? I have always supported the school and teachers, and I know they are under a lot of pressure. I don't think I have ever been precious about DD

OP posts:

Pinkandpurplehairedlady · 21/05/2018 14:14

I recently moved my DD to a new school for similar reasons. The change in her has been incredible - I have my smiley happy daughter back. I would definitely go on the waitlist for the other school and seriously consider homeschooling her until a place becomes available.

Sirzy · 21/05/2018 14:15

Have you spoken to the senco and/or head?

Original poster

Imafrayedknot18 · 21/05/2018 14:17

Ok - so it's time to take the bull by the horns, and make a final small nuisance of myself to see if there is any hope of resolving the situation. Otherwise, I feel like I have a plan coming together. Thankyou x

OP posts:

Original poster

Imafrayedknot18 · 21/05/2018 14:20

One of DDs teachers is SENco for school - I talked to her personally before start of the year. I hoped she would understand more about child psychology and behaviour. She spends less than half the week with the class. DD is happier when she takes the class, but she is focusing on other things increasingly.

OP posts:

gallicgirl · 21/05/2018 14:22

I really think you need to speak to the head. If these issues with the teaching methods/ethos is affecting your child, chances are it's affecting others too.
If your child's reports are accurate (not doubting her, just children sometimes exaggerate or get the wrong end of the stick), then I wouldn't be comfortable with the teaching ethos of the whole school.
At least a chat with the head will either reassure you that something will be done in the classroom to resolve this, or they will confirm that this method is expected and you'll feel a lot better about moving on.

Zebee · 21/05/2018 14:33

We moved DD in similar situation and the change in her has been amazing- haven’t regretted it for a second.

Ipdipme · 21/05/2018 15:16

My advice is to throw everything you can at this now before it gets much much worse. Home ed if no other option if you can. Do not sit on it and wait to see. DD had a friend whose school phobia was Left I tackled and now barely attends high school. Trust me, get ahead of this by whatever means necessary now.

Ipdipme · 21/05/2018 15:17

*left untackled that should say

Flip