How to help DS while waiting for school move?

[DrDiva]

I have posted before about my 5yo DS’s school, when he was made to stick his bare hand down a toilet to retrieve a toy, despite him saying he had not put it there.

We are now at a complete loss. Relations have broken down completely with the school, and DS is so unhappy that he is running out of class multiple times a day, having meltdowns in class, throwing books etc.

While I know that DS needs to sort his behaviour, and we are working on that, we have found out (not just from DS) that he is being bullied constantly at a low level. Things like having work destroyed or scribbled on, kids hitting the delete button on the computer before he can save work, taunting him because he doesn’t get many words right in the —ridiculously long and complicated— weekly spelling test (“don’t stand next to him, he’s a baby he can’t spell”), calling him stupid if he makes a mistake. DS has a mild speech delay - also not being addressed by the school, though we are trying at home - so can’t retaliate in kind, and ends up lashing out. Then gets into trouble because the other kids tell on him, and he can’t say why he behaved as he did. He is prem, and has consequently gone up a year, so really is running with a pack a year ahead of him emotionally.

We are moving him, no question of that. We are just waiting for a place in another school with a much better track record with SN. My question is how to help him deal with everything until we can move him. I hate sending him every day to a place where he is so unhappy, but I don’t know what else to do, as I know if we withdraw him, we risk the LEA washing their hands of him. How do I help him let all this stuff wash over his little, sad head? Anyone with experience who can help, your advice would be more than appreciated! Also advice on when to pull up on behaviour, and when to know it is an outcome of how he is feeling, especially at home.

Your poor little guy!

When you say you are waiting for a place in another school, do you mean you are on the waiting list, waiting for a place to become vacant so your son can move? If so, then it makes no difference whether he is in school or being home educated when the place becomes available. If he is at the top of the list, he gets the place. The LA cannot wash their hands of him.

If you are in a position to withdraw him from that school and home educate, I'd do that while keeping him on the waiting lists for any other schools you would consider. Even keeping him out of school for a year or two or three might be a good solution. If he is, say, a year less mature than his peers, that will be less noticeable when he is eight than it is now when he is five. On the other hand, if it turns out that he has significant ongoing special needs, that will become more apparent as he gets older. Having established what his needs are, you can take your time to get the right support in place before he starts his next school.

Thank you for answering! Yes, we are on the waiting list and near the top.
Pulling him out long term wouldn’t be an option, unfortunately. And I really worry anyway that social isolation would just get worse. This is probably my fault as well, as I just don’t understand the school gate - I invite for play dates and get no response whatsoever. I’d be really worried that he wouldn’t see another kid ever again!

Bump?

The home ed community is full of all sorts of children and in my experience is far more welcoming of children who are ‘different’.
And actually maybe he needs some time at home doing practical stuff with the pressure off, getting good at baking or growing things, listening to lots of stories, watching CBeebies. Just to centre himself again, to regain a bit of control and confidence. He then might be ready for his place in a kinder school.

If you can't HE, how about finding a preschool that would take him for this term (as he's so young for year he would fit in ok, I know someone who did that)? Or explore what HE groups exist locally and see if you could deal with the social side that way.

I wouldn't keep him at school - that sounds damaging emotionally and that he's not learning anything.

It sounds tough

I would pull him out, too, if you can. I think the damage to his self esteem is probably worse than the potential social isolation & lots of areas have very lively HE networks, where you would hopefully find a bit more understanding.

I realise work means it might not be possible, but could you rope in grandparents, aunts, uncles, an au pair?

Lastly, have you written to the head of governors? It is their job to act as criticaldriend to the school, they should deal with this.

Good luck

I would agree, he won’t be in a position to socialise while he is in survival mode, which it sounds like he is. If you can make sure your waiting list position won’t be affected and are in a position to do it, I wouldn’t send him back to that school tomorrow. Look on Facebook for your local home ed group - there are literally thousands of people going it across the uk. Children not being socialised is a myth that is perpetuated in our society. Children learn how to socialise through watching us interact as we go about our daily business, as well as from playing with friends. Outside school, there’s an opportunity to spend time with children of all ages, which might be easier for your little boy as he won’t be directly compared to 30 other children. There are so many activities organised for home ed kids, it’s amazing to see. He will be in a position to interact better when he’s not feeling so lost. I’m also not sure how much socialising they actually do at school. I work in two and am an constantly hearing children being told to stop talking, be quiet etc. I’m sorry you are in this position. Imagine how he would feel if he knew he didn’t need to go back there ever again?

Go to GP. Say you think school is affecting his well-being. Then keep him off sick until the new school (but keep him on roll). Or ask if school can sort a managed move. I know it will be a nightmare with work etc, but this is your little boys well-being.

Thank you all so much for your input. Sorry for the delay in responding - we’ve been out in the sunshine!
I know that school isn’t the be all and end all of socialising. And given that DS is mostly an absolute dream outside of school (we are not the only ones to say so) it’s clearly the classroom where he struggles. The school does the creative curriculum, so there is a lot of peer interaction during the day. We are certainly thinking of taking him out for a while, though I won’t HE long term - I was home educated as a cover for abuse and I just can’t do it for my mental health.
It’s a really good idea to go to the GP. If I can get an appointment with the sympathetic one in the practice!

Honestly I'd take him out urgently the situation is making him worse, what you have described is really bad!

I would also take him out- potentially your GP would say he is too stressed by the environment to be able to attend, then you wouldn't have to de-register him. You will be able to find places for him to socialise while he is waiting for a new place.

If he is Summer born but should have been Autumn born I would be looking at him re-joining in the year below in new school.

The alternative is to keep sending him in but battle with LA for a 'managed move' on SEMH grounds. The situation you describe in school will not be doing much for his mental health though.