Long, rambling, not to the point. But any ideas and responses much welcomed.
I’m in Australia, which is important because the independent school sector here is much bigger than in the uk.
My kids are at a small local community independent school. class sizes between 12 and 19, with 2 classes in each year level. This year I have a child in prep, gr2, gr4, gr6. My gr2 girl is autistic and dyslexic, and while it hasn’t all been smooth sailing she is getting lots of support where she is.
My biggest concern at the moment is my eldest. He was diagnosed with anxiety towards the end of last year, after my health declined dramatically and I became a full time wheelchair user with not enough stamina to manage much of anything. A few public (at school) anxiety attacks that seemed to be handled reasonably well and while there were some dramas he ended last year with a music scholarship and what seemed to be the beginnings of real friendships. He then spent 12 days in the bush with a youth group which is loosely associated with the school, and really seemed to mature over the summer.
A few weeks ago he was late in to school and when he arrived at recess a couple of the ‘popular’ boys who have leadership roles which he is very very distressed about not getting himself (yes, he needs to move on from that) approached him to let him know that while he was away the girls and boys divided for a class and the girls collaborated on a dance to be performed at an assembly in the first week of term 2 (after Easter/autumn break). They told him that they knew he would want to dance and that they would also like to, and would back him up and would join him in requesting that the dance be co-ed.
When he tried to bring up the subject in class on the Tuesday it was shut down, and he ended up having a full blown panic attack, urged on by some classmates who seemed to think it was funny. When I arrived at 2 for a meeting about a different child I found him hysterical and upset at the reception area.
I requested an urgent meeting with the principal, and after some negotiation booked to see her Friday morning. In the meantime a full class meeting was held, my son said he wanted to dance, everyone else behaved as though this was unreasonable until he mentioned that the school has signed up to safe schools and didn’t everyone agree that gender segregation for a dance went against this. A few girls cried about being forced to change choreography to add another 1 or more dancers and in the end my child suggested a ‘seperate but equal’ so called boys dance. It was agreed this would be choreographed at least partly by him, prepared during lesson time and that he would also speak about the importance of breaking down imposed gender rules during the assembly.
While he was seemingly happy about this at school he cried for a full hour on the Wednesday night about it.
On the Friday I was promised that the staff would ensure that he was built up and supported and that despite my misgivings it was better to seperate the dances, and his would still be good.
He’s cried about it, talked around in circles about it, screamed at his family about it. What did not happen was that he was supported to create something. In the end a different teacher created a shorter piece and all the boys were told they had no choice but to participate. That was today.
In between all the drama over the dance, the fact that not only had my child not been made a captain but that all the positions went to children who had come up through the nursery and who had families heavily involved in the school, we visited many high schools and he sat some scholarship exams. Last week he was offered an extremely generous scholarship to a school he wants to go to. And there were auditions for the school musical.
The scholarship has boosted his confidence, but he’s still really wound up about the dance and whether it’ll happen, and look stupid, and how he looks. And he’s still smarting from being given extremely positive feedback to his speech and nterview at the end of last year only for every single captain role to go to children who, as I said, have families who have been there forever.
It’s now 2 days till term ends. He’s spent 2 hours tonight screaming and storming around about how upset he is that the teachers let him down about the dance, that he isn’t sure if the kids goading him were actually trying to cause a panic attack or not. That I’m wrong about bullying, or at least that he told the vice principal a different story about last Friday’s panic attack than he told us. He told us the same two boys talked about it loudly just behind him and then laughed when he became upset. He was asked, in front of both boys, to repeat the story and backed down.
And they’ve also just announced main roles in school musical. And again, he has nothing and the same few children have roles. He’s really upset about it, and his father is fuming, because last year the 5/6 classes were kept out of the musical to make a film, and we were all told that people who got tiny parts in that would have top roles in the stage show.
While I can support my difficult and emotional horror of a prepubescent at home, and fight the school behind his back to actually give all the children a chance to shine, I need ideas for surviving the 2 week break. I can’t make the staff give him the position of influence he craves. I can’t change anything, only point out hypocrisy to the principal and school gov. I need ideas to get through the break without losing it, because both his siblings and I have spent weeks hearing all about this effing dance and how he wishes he was a girl so he could get more opportunities (9 girls and 15 boys in the year). And how everyone can see that the school doesn’t value him bevsuse he only joined in grade 3.
I have a follow up meeting with principal and class teachers Thursday at 3. They break up at 3.45 and the school shuts down entirely for just over a week, so nothing discussed can be implemented until next term.
I’m not sure if I’ve been even slightly coherent. I know I’ve been long winded. But thoughts on what fights are worth having, and with whom, appreciated. As are any suggestions about encouraging him to stop brooding and focus on the good stuff that is happening in his life.
And if anyone has experience being at a school where the ‘inner sanctum kids’ seem to get a the majority of the opportunities and has ideas on wording to use when pointing it out to the principal that the kids are talking about it in the playground because it’s so blatant, that’d also be appreciated. Cause I’m not finding good words for solving any of this.