Help! What should I do?

[ButternutCrinkleFries]

We moved accross the country just before Christmas and DS1 started at a new school in January. Ds is 5yo, yr1 but August born and very, very shy.

New school has Yr1 split between 2 classes - so half with YrR and half with Yr2. When he started we said due to his age and personality we’d really like him to go into the younger class (class 1). On the fourth day teacher of class 2 comes out to meet us while I was walking ds in. She says to ds that she’s seen some of his work and he’s so clever that he should come into her class rather than do baby work which is probably really boring. Ds is so pleased with himself and kept saying ‘I’m so clever that I’m allowed to go up even though I’m only 5!’ I’m pretty pissed off that it wasn’t discussed with me at all but if he’s happy it’s not really an issue.

Fast forward to now - ds is really, really unhappy. He says he spends every playtime playing ‘imagination games’ because no one will talk to him. Everyting is too different and he keeps getting things wrong. He spent an hour sobbing before school one day last week because he said he hated it so much. I’ve been really trying to get him to tell me what’s upsetting him but he just says he hates it all. I’ve spoken to his teacher several times and each time she just says he’s happy enough, he does talk to other kids and he tells them he doesn’t want to play with him when they ask. He’s always well behaved but is just getting a bit upset with his writing. I think because he sits there quietly and doesn’t fuss she doesn’t really seem to care whether he’s happy or not. I keep saying we’ll give it another week and thinking it’s just all a big change which will take a while to get used to.

At the weekend I finally got it out of him that he’d like to go back into class 1. He thinks the work is too hard in class 2 and he can’t keep up with all the rules. I had a meeting yesterday with his teacher and asked if he could be moved back to class 1. She wasn’t keen, thought he’d be bored and kept talking about how he’s reading at 8 year old levels, is the best in the class maths and she really thinks it would hold him back. We left it with her saying she’d speak to class 1 teacher and see if he could move after Easter holidays.

I’ve just seen I got an email today at 4ish saying - Dear Butternut, I have discussed the idea of butterboy movinginto class 1 with class1 teacher and head. Both feel, as I do, that it would be in butterboys best interests to stay in class 2. As discussed he is an excellent reader and very advanced at maths. I know you are concerned at his lack of confidence but we feel that he is a happy and involved member of the class. Kind regards class2 teacher.

Argh! What do I do now? I really can’t convey how unhappy he is - it feels like my little boy is just fading away. He doesn’t want to do anything, he’s constantly bursting into tears, he’s wetting himself and sleeping in my bed because he keeps getting scared in the night. I know he is very academically capable - but he is also painfully shy. I’ve never seen him hold a full conversation with another child, he never gets invited to any parties, he’s so self conscious, he’s small for his age and in a class with kids almost 2 years older than him. I don’t understand why they won’t just move him.

God, sorry! That’s bloody long.

I'd ask to see the head and convey what you've said in your last paragraph about his emotional well-being and the effects you are seeing at Home of him being unhappy at school.

Thank you. I just wasn’t expecting a flat out ‘no’. He’s 5 ffs and is desperately unhappy.

It is very likely that the school are just conveying what they see rather than just ignoring your child. Most children are different when in school and it is perfectly normal for an unhappy child to seem perfectly happy in school. They don't get to see what you see at home.
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In all fairness, your child should be getting work that matches his apptitude in either class so he needs to understand that the work shouldn't be that different if he goes back. Do you know if the other class is full?

I would be livid at a school that has such obvious differences between the baby Year 1 children and the advanced year 1children. They should all be doing the Y1 curriculum. As the mum of 2 summer borns I would have been furious if they had been considered baby Y1s for the whole of Y1 spending it in Reception with an apparently reduced Y1 curriculum.

If they have assessed DS as doing very well, is this when doing Y1 Work? Or are they teaching y2 Work to Y1. Can it really be that he is doing work that he cannot actually do? What do his books look like? Have you seen them at parents evening? What about homework? Can he do it? Is he not working on a table with other similar children? He cannot be working on his own all the time and failing to get the right answers. Y1 shouldn’t work like that. Is he working with extra bright children who are quicker than him so he feels he’s the worst?

Clearly the school wants an easy life by putting the more advanced Y1 children with y2 children but Y1 should be doing the Y1 curriculum in both classes. So why should it matter what class he’s in? He should be doing the same curriculum.

Tbh it sounds like a confidence problem. You says he finds the work too hard but the teacher has said how bright he is. Have you looked at his books? How much work is he getting right? You says he's never invited to parties but how often have you invited school friends round? He says he plays by himself and no-one talks to him but the teacher says the other children ask him to play and he refuses. He is only 5 ,moved to a new school in January and has already moved class. This would be scary and over-whelming for most children , let alone a shy one. Firstly I would ask to see his books then you can see how he is coping academically. If the books are showing good work then heap the praise on him , show him how well he is doing ,point to the positive comments because it may just be one piece of work that he struggled with that is causing this negative mind set for him. If the books show he is struggling then you have an issue with the teacher not being honest. Encourage him to socialise with the other children,ask him to choose one friend to come round for tea. What does he like doing? Take another child on a trip to the cinema,indoor play area,park etc something your son enjoys and is comfortable with so spending time with the other child is a positive experience. Every day ask him to tell you what was good about his day at school and run with that. I think it's too easy , even as an adult , to have one negative incident and let it ruin your day so don't let him just focus and dwell on anything negative. If he's good at Maths ask him what he did in Maths etc . He's getting upset about his writing , reassure him that he's just "practising" his writing ready for when he's older and that everytime he's practising he's getting better. Again look at his books ,has his writing improved since January? If it has , then show him, praise him,let him appreciate his improvement. If it hasn't , then again you have an issue with the teacher. I'm not saying to just dismiss his fears but try to find out how founded they are first then address them.

The main problem is his writing is pretty much illegible. He still holds his pencil in a fist rather than a tripod grip which he claims is uncomfortable. If you sit with him he will hold the proper way but as soon as you look/ walk away he holds it in his fist again. We are working with him but it’s slow progress. I don’t think it’s so much that the work is too hard - it’s more that he can do it but it looks awful. He’s on a table with 3 yr2 kids and he’s obviously noticed how much worse his work looks.

He hasn’t been invited to any parties but equally we haven’t invited anyone round. This is his request though - he says he doesn’t want to talk to anyone after school because he has to talk to them all day. I think he is trying so hard and bottling everything up all day when he gets home he just crashes.

I just hate seeing him so sad. When I mentioned the possibility of him going back to class 1 it was the most positive I’ve seen him in weeks.

It's very difficult, but, speaking as a parent of children in a school that is set up in exactly the same way, I think you should bear in mind that he has one term left until he will be in class 2 anyway. Once he's in year 2, he has to be in class 2. You are really only asking for him to go back for 12 weeks. Then, any friends he makes in the Year R group may well be selected to stay in class 1, while he has to move on to class 2.

At least with him being in class 2 already, you give him a fighting chance of making friends with the year 1s who are in there, and getting to know the year 2s, who although may not be his friends right now, will be back in class with him when he's year 3 and they are year 4, by which time they may be friends.

Especially being a boy (stereotype alert), if he gets bored in class, he is more like to stimulate himself in disruptive ways. Girls who are bored tend to get giggly and chatty. Annoying. Boys tend to start seeing how far they can chuck bits of paper, rubbers, etc.

Stop making him write at home. It's making writing more of a beast to him. Instead work on his fine motor skills , colouring, dot to dot puzzles , play dough , sewing or anything that involves threading. Google fine motor skill activities. These will help the muscles in his fingers and encourage a better pencil grip which should help him find writing more comfortable but shouldn't feel like work.
He's 5 , shy , moved to a new school and has no friends but you won't invite anyone around because he's tired? Either accept he doesn't have friends or be more proactive. If he's too tired on a week day arrange something at the weekend. Easter holidays are coming up so there should be plenty of opportunities.I've honestly seen such a difference to the quietest , shy , awkward child once they start interacting socially outside of school with class mates.
And please stop dangling the prospect of him moving back to the previous class . What if the school stick to their guns and don't move him ? That's just more negativity for him to attach to this class.

He’s specifically asked me not to invite anyone round because he’s says he’s too tired. I’ve asked if he wants to see some of his classmates at the weekend but he says he doesn’t want to do that either.

I have really been dangling the prospect of him going back into class 1. I asked him if he’d like to and assumed he’d say that he wouldn’t. The teacher had made such a fuss about class 1 dong baby work and ds being so clever that I thought he wouldn’t want to.

Tbh at this point I’m seriously considering pulling him out of school anyway. I know it sounds melodramatic and flouncy but he’s my son. He’s 5 years old and he’s worrying like an adult. I woke him up this morning and he immediately asked me what day it was. I old him and he was immediately in tears .

He’s miserable and the status quo is not working for him. You need things to be changed and I think you really need to be going back in to talk the the staff.

Yes he’s bright, but that doesn’t mean he needs to be pushed and pushed academically. He’s 5. Time would be far better spent developing his soft/social skills - and it doesn’t sound like the school is particularly focussed on that.

Tbh if he’s that stressed, anxious and unhappy I’d probably end up pulling him out and home school (if you can) with a focus on social skills (groups, sports, etc) for a while. If he’s already so far ahead he can afford to redirect for a while.

Oh poor you, OP.

We moved into a new school and my previously very confident DC1 took about a year to settle properly. It was not so extreme as bursting into tears, but it was pretty obvious. The handwriting stuff sounds very familiar- my DC1 has been taught the beginning of cursive and handwriting was awful (as expected to begin with) but new school they didn’t do joined up till later and they got teased for it.

What I did was make sure I organised stuff out of school - could he join cubs or after-school club with different kids too? And then forced the play date situation, even when uncomfortable ... needs must and he won’t get invited without you hosting so I know he says he doesn’t want to but perhaps a play in the park after school one day rather than a 1-1 tea, with the most friendly-looking of the parents?

As a PP says, it’s not too long till he’ll be Year 2 anyway ... I think you may need to think of this year as resilience training and bolstering his self-esteem and regroup for next autumn. It’s nearly the holidays so he’ll be tired and emotional anyway right now.

Are there any other schools in the area? I would hate for my child to be so unhappy at this early stage of school.
If homeschooling is an option then maybe do that and try school again in a year or 2 (If you want to) and work on confidence at home.

I think he is learning that if he says something to you or behaves in a certain way, he may well get what he wants. He doesn’t need or want friends. You know you should invite children round, but he’s said no, so you’ve agreed with him. He’s got your undivided attention. He wants Y1/R so you are focussed on making it happen, despite advice from the school. He doesn’t want to go to school, so you might home school. Could be fun when he gets to be a teenager. He needs a bit of resilience and so do you. What next?

I think he's learning that he tells mum how unhappy he is and no one is prepared to help him or do anything about it. He's told you how he feels. You know he's struggling. Please don't ignore your gut instinct.

He sounds very anxious and actively wanting to avoid socialising at age 5 is somewhat of concern, as is comparing himself to children two years older and not being able to grasp that they are 7, they have been writing much longer, of course their work is neater.

Conversely, the teachers are showing a rather worrying prioritisation of acceleration over emotional and social needs.

Many kids with anxiety will "hold it in" at school and only release their feelings at home.

I'd start by normalising his feelings to him. It's not surprising that things feel strange; he has had to move schools and move classes and that would make anyone feel more wobbly than usual. It's not surprising your writing isn't as neat as Jane's; she is already 7 and you are only 5. Would you expect (baby sibling) to be able to do everything as well as you can? No, because she's younger.

I wouldn't ask him if he wants a playdate; anxiety tends to incline to refusal of opportunities. I would tell him that Freddy is coming over on Saturday for an hour. If he can't play with Freddy when he arrives, or is very distressed by this, I'd be wondering about him having social anxiety or possibly even being on the autism spectrum? But try normalising his anxiety first to see if he is able to adapt once less stressed.

Why is he sitting with Y2 kids? I would ask for him to be sitting with other Y1 kids for starters. That should be easy to fix and at least puts him beside kids he's most likely to connect with.

I wouldn't ask him if he wants a playdate; anxiety tends to incline to refusal of opportunities. I would tell him that Freddy is coming over on Saturday for an hour.

This is sensible- to be honest, at that age I didn’t really ask mind if they wanted a play date, I’d say “X is going to come and play after school on Weds” or whatever and go from there - of course if they kicked off that they didn’t want that to happen that would be difficult, and then you could discuss why, but at that age you can place too much decision-making in their hands and sometimes you need to push the “This is what’s happening” through. If he was still reluctant I’d make sure there was an activity set up they could do together (park, soft play, baking) and supervise a lot.

What happens if he goes into the other class and decides he doesn't like it there either???? He can't just keep moving from class to class. He has just a term to go. You need to encourage and build confidence, talk about the good things in school and help build his confidence within himself.
By a tripod grip for his pencil.

I really don’t think he is doing this in order to get him to move class. I’ve tried for weeks asking him to try and remember what it is/ who it is/ when it is he feels most unhappy and to tell me. That way I could try to fix it. There never seemed to be one particular thing, just overall unhappiness. I think it would be very odd for a 5 year old to keep this behaviour up for months if he just wanted to move class. Especially as it’s only been a few days since he told me that’s what he actually wants! And of course I’m not going to keep moving him from class to class. I just think it would be at least worth a try.

We took him to the doctor last month for a check up in case there was something physically wrong with him that was making him so lethargic and tears. Blood tests were all normal though.

I’m not going to push play dates on him right now. I know he’d just cry, then get even more upset with himself because he did cry and be embarrassed about it. He sees a lot of his cousins and he’s got his little brother here too so it’s not like he doesn’t have interaction with other kids.

The woman in charge of pastoral care asked to speak to me after school today. She didn’t want to discuss it while ds was around, just said he was very ready at school today and could I discuss it tomorrow. I don’t know how much longer I can keep putting ds (and myself) through this.

My DD moved school in Year 2. She is highly intelligent like your DS. She was very miserable and stressed for about 6 months (she adored her old school) and the teachers kept telling me how popular she is at her new school and how well she is doing (she didn't feel that way at all). She is a perfectionist and takes everything very seriously, I think she was in constant fight and flight mode when she moved schools. My DD happens to be old in her year (she would be exactly the same character if she were in the year above), she also held the pen in a strange manner for a long time although her writing was beautiful. I think she developed the wrong grip because she was so desperate to write long stories etc. - the school only made an effort to help her change her grip at my insistence (they said that pencil grip is not an issue these days as long as the child is comfortable - that seems to be the current PC thinking). You can get special rubber like devices on the internet which you attach to pencils which help with encouraging a tripod grip - try it with drawing/art etc. first. Your DS has moved schools very recently and as another poster has said, will be in YR2 very soon anyway. Intelligent children can be more intense and apply themselves a lot at school and then let loose at home. Re friendships, maybe find a child that is quite similar to your son and encourage the friendship from there, playdates etc. My second child has a very close best friend at school (definitely encouraged by parental input on both sides) and it has helped his confidence no end.

It feels there is a conflict in that academically he needs the Yr1/2 class but emotionally needs the Yr1/R class. Why was he so happy in the Yr1/R class? Was it a gentler approach? More play-based with EYFS? The teacher?

There are still Yr1's in his class now - why is he not able to make friendships with them but could with the others in the Yr1/R class? Or perhaps he didn't have friends in that class either (you don't specify this)?

Many kids that lack confidence will look for the easier route - rather that than feel like they've failed. I would put it back on the school to state what support emotionally they can give your DS, because come Sept he'll be in that class anyway and this will give them (and him) a chance to bed in that support. You will need to spell it out what his behaviour is like at home as they are seeing something different in class.

It does seem a bit unusual that your son would cry over going to the park with kids from school. That does seem to me that he finds socialising hard whatever class he is in and he will need a structured social event - maybe bowling - where the focus is not on the kids interacting but on the game.

Perhaps you need to organise some situations where you are going to the same place as another class mate and it's not such an intense set up as a 'playdate'. Could you arrange to meet at an outdoor adventure playground with another parent? That would be less pressurised, but give the opportunity for them to get to know each other without him necessarily knowing they were 'together'.