How to encourage a 4.5 year old to put effort into teaching and writing

[Lekhav]

I need parenting advice. My child is a sociable, bright and bright kid. She is 4.5 years old. I've always maintained that I will not pressurise my child to study, as it will kill her natural curiosity. While I have been reading to her from the time she was in my tummy, and I provide pens and papers and colours, I never used to teach her anything until recently. She's very talkative and has been speaking fluently since she was 1.5 years old. She's not afraid to make new friends and gets along with everybody easily. Yesterday, her teacher told me that she asks a lot of questions and is able to understand big concepts, and sometimes the teacher even lets her explain to her friends. So her 'understanding of the world' is excellent, but she's way behind in reading and writing and math. I have a feeling it's my fault since I do not practise at home with her, but I've noticed that she hates putting effort into reading or writing or math. Even 5 minutes of work has lots of crying and yelling and I find myself wondering if I am doing the right thing. I am scared forcing her to work will scar her for life. I've seen kids who are willing and happy to read and write, but that's not the case with her. An I just being too indulgent? Or is there any other way to teach such kids? Should I back away from what I believed so far, and start giving her a hard time till she gets it right? Is repetition the answer?

• That should read bright and happy kid.

Don't give her a hard time. Be happy she is bright and happy and has a good understanding of the world around her, she's 4!

When you’re reading a story can you point to words and get her “help”. Low pressure and lots of praise if she gets it right.

Or look at the picture on the front of her reading book and talk about it, who the people might be and ask what she thinks is going to happen in the story? Often that’s enough to make my son want to start looking through his reading book - or at least at the pictures.

Is she actually at school yet?
If so does she get 'homework' - and do you do that with her? I wouldn't force it though if she is really stressing out.
If not, I wouldn't worry, carry on reading to her. Get some easy-to-read books and follow the words with your finger as you read with her next to you. Get her to find the word beginning with the same letter as her name etc.
Point out words when you are out and about -again shop names beginning with her initial, or just the signs on the shelves - look that says apples, we need some apples.
You say she is bright and interested - things will come when she is ready.

Has her teacher told you she is behind in reading and maths? If so, what did the teacher suggest to help her?

I think you're right to avoid too much pressure. DS took a while to "get" reading, more like 5.5, now a good reader and loves reading, falls asleep with head in book, happily reads everything from encyclopedias to the Bible.

His handwriting has only just stopped being appalling and he is 9, but suddenly it is legible and evenly spaced. I found practicing at home a miserable experience for everyone. He did engage well with other activities that encourage fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination, we did a lot of tracing pictures out of Lego magazines.

Goodness, I thought you were going to say she's 10 years old or similar. I think you're massively over thinking this as she's not even 5 yet. Leave her to enjoy learning at her own pace and only start to worry if later on, her teacher raises any concerns.

How can she be way behind at 4.5? Depending on when their birthday falls some children won't even have started formal education by that age.

Thank you for the responses! She's August born so has started school already, one of the youngest in class. The teacher told me they have intervention for her, where she's given more practice with the basics while the other kids are doing bigger words and sentences. So far, I've always had positive feedback from her teachers right from nursery, about her social skills and willingness to participate, but I always knew she's a little behind in writing. I attributed it to lack of practice and thought that she'll get it when she learns at school, but after this last meeting with her teacher, I am wondering if I should push her a little more at home instead of putting all the pressure on the teachers. My husband says that I've been too lenient with her so far, which is why she's resisting pressure now. He says children should learn to work hard at a young age so that it comes naturally to them when they are older. I don't want it to be too late if that's the case. But at the same time, I don't want her to associate learning with being miserable. Should I just wait it out? But what if she doesn't get it without extra help? I want to be fair to her... Just don't know which way to go.

So she is 4.5 and in reception - one of the youngest in her class, presumably.

I have a feeling it's my fault since I do not practise at home with her, but I've noticed that she hates putting effort into reading or writing or math.

Are you saying that you are doing nothing at all with her? Most schools expect parents to do more or less daily reading with their child. I believe in many schools it is actually this daily practice 1-1 at home that helps a child learn to read, rather than the teaching of reading at school.
So if you haven't been practising at home at all, then I would think it is entirely possible that your DD is indeed 'behind', as in, other children in her class (who may be up to a year older, and have been reading at home daily) have started to blend and have generally been building stamina and fluency, whereas your DD perhaps isn't? And perhaps she is noticing this, which might in a feedback loop be contributing to her unwillingness to practise at home?

This is a tricky situation, in that putting pressure on her might make things worse. However what I'm saying is that you cannot rely on school providing enough practice for your child to learn to read without any practice at home. So if you choose not to make her practice at home, you need to be clear that this will probably mean that for a while, she will indeed be lagging behind those other children that ARE practising at home. Even 5 minutes a day makes a huge difference.

Personally I believe in letting children come to the 'academics' in their own time, and that pressure can be counterproductive especially at this age.
If you leave her to develop, just keep reading and talking to her, you can hope that she will then 'suddenly' click, and learn to read easily, without all the stress and pressure, when she is ready. This might be in a year, or in two years, or three. Perhaps she just needs to reach a certain developmental stage, perhaps she is just currently mentally preoccupied with all the other interesting things in her life and will come to reading eventually. But if you go down that route of 'zero pressure, won't make her practise if she doesn't feel like it, let her get to it in her own time' you need to accept that she might for a good while be 'behind' those other children that ARE practising regularly, with or without pressure. And you need to be vigilant that she doesn't learn to think that 'reading is not for me' (because sooner or later she WILL notice that 'everybody' else is reading and she isn't) and that she always knows that you believe in her and think highly of her, no matter her reading abilities. It can take quite some personal strength of convictions on your part, to 'allow' your child to 'fall behind', because you in effect disagree with the prevailing 'system' that expects all children to be ready to learn to read (etc) at age 4-5. So it is best if you do choose this, to do it consciously and be aware of potential fall-outs (eg on your child's confidence).

Alternatively (or in parallel) you can try sneaking in some regular practice at home without your DD realising. So e.g. step away from the school reading books but find games that you can play with her that practise phonemic awareness (I-Spy type of games), give her bath crayons and work it into writing letters/words during bath time, treasure hunts with single words that she can decode (if bothered) as clues, magnetic letters to play with and to write shopping lists with, etc. ... so she gets some practice but without realising it.

And/or you can try to find apps/digital games that practise/teach the things she is refusing to do in the 'traditional' homework way, and that she enjoys doing.

I think brilliotic has hit the nail on the head.

Also, have you had her eyes tested? Vision problems might result in resistance, and small children don't realise there's a problem (isn't always obvious to adults either).

Thank you strawberrybubblegum, I just took an appointment for an eye test.
Thank you brilliotic for your detailed response. I had not thought about how less pressure at home might affect her confidence, which would be the opposite of what I want for her.
Now that I think about it, I do work a lot with her, in terms of reading. Like I mentioned before, I always knew she was reluctant to write, so I might have let her get away with almost no writing, but I know I've given enough exposure to reading. Till last week, I was thinking she's doing fine with reading.
But when the teacher said that she's falling behind, I started realising that given the amount of work we do, she should've started reading small words consistently by now. (By work, I mean fun ways) But she just doesn't take initiative. She loses interest rather quickly now when she realises it's something to do with learning. She reads her reading books that she gets from school, but needs a lot of help the first few times. She needs me to point at the words, and sometimes can't read even the words she knows. After that I think she just guesses the words.
Also any traditional reading or writing we do is very labour intensive for her. I can see she wants to do well, but it's just too hard for her. Could it be dyslexia? I know it's too early to say, but then if it is, all the methods that I am using to teach her now might only be confusing her more. On the other hand, if she is just too young to 'get it', not practising might delay her progress. I am probably over thinking, but I really want to help her develop love for learning, instead of it becoming a reason for losing confidence.

This is standard for summer born children. They are just a little too wee and not ready for school yet. If you push too much, as you say, you could put her off formal education. Great advice from Brilliotic for sneaky fun ways of doing some teaching without pushing it.

I am quite shocked to read quite a few "the teacher told us 4/5 years old is behind" thread recently.
Reception children has a large ability difference. By yr3, most of the children behind in reception caught up, or even taken over those early developers.
Best thing is to try to encourage love of learning, not pressurising those who aren't ready yet and make them hate learning.

She is one of the youngest in the class. I find that kids will read and write when they are ready! Don't push it too much or you will turn her off. Help her and encourage her, but don't force or make a big deal. For example, I was very laid back with my daughters nursery work...actually I never did anything with her really at home because she seemed to learn all her letters and phonics at school just fine so I did not have to. When she started reception, at age 4.5 that is when she started to read. It naturally clicked. I would try with her every once in a while to see if she got it before then and she didn't really, so I would just put the book to the side for a while. I would continue reading her bed time stories but didn't insist she read. When she learned to read, I would then encourage her, but again not more then twice a week. Now she is 6 and we are starting to read 3-4 times a week and she is on level 7, so is doing well for her age. But I have never pushed her. Only recently we increased her reading because she is able and happy to read most of the time. As for math and writing, I never pushed and she eventually wanted to. She started to enjoy writing and enjoy math. We would even do writing and math for fun.

My son started reception age only 3 (he is in French system mixed with British system...so a bit complicated). But anyway I had no hopes for him with reading or writing! He could not even hold a pen correctly at the start of school! Now a few months in he can suddenly write! He loves to practice his writing and tracing. He can read basic words like cat, sat....but I do not practice with him often. Maybe once a week. I feel he is just too young and better to let him run around and spend time in the park. But once he does start reading more easily on his own, I will increase the times we practice. If you push too hard kids get turned off. Also, your daughter is the youngest in class so you can't compare her to older kids because now a few months make all the difference!