Should I change my daughters school?

[SequinsOnEverything]

Dd1 is in year 3 of a school we like and are actively involved in. Right from reception she has struggled with friendship issues. She had a best friend, but she left the school. Even when her friend was there she struggled a bit.

She gets on ok with most of the children 1 on 1 but struggles in groups in that no one seeks her out to play, they prefer others. If she asks to play and they say yes, she says they then send her off to get things or make rules that mean she's still seperate from the group.

Her school say if they watch her she plays with people, but I think she has to work hard to get people to let her play. To me the most important thing is she feels no one likes her. I don't want her to have three more years of this.

I have told school we are considering moving her and they are very against it, they say if she has the same issues at another school it will really effect her self confidence. We have worried about this ourselves. However, she already has so much less self confidence than when she started school and even the senco said they are a funny year group when it comes to friendships. I just think if she's not made a connection in 3 1/2 years, she's not going to.

Does anyone have any experience of moving schools for an issue like this?

Sorry, the paragraphs never come through when I do it on the app.

I have no advice regarding the school situation, not sure what’s best to do.

But have u tried encouraging friendships outside of school? Activities, clubs, friends’ kids? That might boost her confidence and the relationships may then develop more naturally at school.

Just about to say what starlighter said

She goes to several clubs and gets on ok there, even brownies which has several girls from her class in.
She is friends. With my friends children, but none go to our school. We have girls from the class iver and they get on well, but she goes back to school and they have other friends they prefer. She rarely gets invited back to others houses. ☹

Move her - that kind of behaviour you're describing is relational bullying and shouldn't be accepted by the school.

I would chat to the new school and get a clear idea of how they will support her to establish friendships and what they do if a child is excluded. IMHO saying that it's a problem with the school year is unacceptable - my child's year had issues with relational bullying (like exclusion) but this was dealt with on a class wide basis rather than saying "that's what they are like" and now they are (mostly) kind to each other.

I would also teach her, and role play with her, how to make friends and join groups. If she's lacking in self-confidence then this may be very beneficial to her. So very basic things like get her to ask lots of questions rather than try to talk about herself, get her to compliment new friends etc.

I think I would move her. I think moving schools can be really hard because friendship groups can be established already, but I totally agree with you that she has spent 3 1/2 years trying to make friends, and I think it is unlikely things will change. It does sound like the school aren't helping, and I think I would research very carefully and find a school who thinks they might be able to help.

If she isn't already, I would also get her to join a drama group. A friends son struggled with social interactions and it really helped him.

They do try to set her up with friends for the day but then the teachers don't see the hit where her "friends" don't really let her join in. She doesn't like to tell because when she does they say play with someone else and she doesn't like to speak to her own teacher because she doesn't want to be too needy.

I honestly think a fresh start would be good for her. She does things like theatre group and will put herself forward for solos, but when it comes to anything related to school she says she's rubbish, the worst, everyone hates her.

Thanks for your advice.

You might be lucky there might be a change in the dynamics if someone in her class leaves, or if a new child joins, but that may or may not happen. The school doesn't sound helpful by trying to scare you off the idea of leaving, instead of suggesting positive steps they will undertake to improve the situation. I would start looking for another school.

I would move her if the option is there. Everyone wants to befriend a new child in school at that age. If she's unhappy anyway what do you have to lose?

Have you checked local schools for spaces? In your situation I would find out which schools she could move to & go to look around them.
If you are going to move her think about which secondary school she will go to and look at schools that feed in to the secondary - you don’t want her to move now & then have to go through moving to secondary not knowing anyone in 3 years time.
Friendship is such a difficult area for adults to help with - the school can stop others from being horrible but they can’t make children be friends, it just doesn’t work.

I had this when I was younger. I so wish my mother had listened to me when I begged to move school earlier! My self esteem was totally crushed. By time I moved I did make amazing friends and had just wished I could have moved earlier. If she is unhappy herself, please move her , but let the new school know reasons why she would be moving

I'm in the process of checking spaces at the schools we could easily get her to now. We were looking at some near my work, but theu feed into the secondary school we want but likely won't get, so now looking closer to home.

School asked me to go and meet with the head and senco, I said I was happy to but heard nothing from them. Asked today and they said they'd get back to me, still not heard.

We heard back today from a school we think would be good for her and they have a space, so I'm going to phone tomorrow and see when we can visit.

Hope it goes well tomorrow it’s so hard isn’t it

My DS is generally v popular outgoing lad but when they shuffled the classes about he was sort of left without a bestie and although he is generally v popular he just seems to lack that strong connection to one other child - so I know where you are coming from

We had this with my DD - we moved her and she made a close friend at her new school but still found groups hard.

You mention a meeting with Head and SENCO - does DD have any SEN as this would possibly be a factor?

She doesn't have any sen, the senco also runs nurture groups so I think that's why the head wanted her to be there.

We are going to visit the possible new school on wednesday next week.

Now she says she doesn't want to leave because she's scared that she won't know the children or the teachers and it might not be any better. We won't force her if she doesn't want to, but I hope she decides to take the risk.

Gabby - v unethical to give the OP the advice you have given that you run the agency you linked to...

Hope the school visit goes well. It isn't surprising she is scared to move, but hopefully the settling in day would go well (will she be able to stay in the classroom for a few hours on the visit day? If not, you should see if she can), and she will feel more comfortable. If the new school have a parents facebook group or something, you may be able to join, and perhaps could see if one of the other mums would meet up with you and your DD on the weekend, so she could get to know one of the children? Ideally that would be the child they will buddy her with, but I know the school wouldn't be able to give out that sort of info. Really hope it goes well.

I had the same issue with DD. She went to a taster day elsewhere but decided not to go to the school in the end. This would have been for Y4. I thought she was wrong and was still not invited to parties. It was a very cliquey school and we were not in any clique. Nothing much improved until Y6 when the children did get friendlier.

In the end she went boarding in y7. Never seen any of the excluding children again. She should have moved earlier but you cannot force anything.

My parents didn't move me. I wish they had. Fresh starts are great things.

I moved my boys and it was the best decision. They are both so much happier at the new school.

Thanks everyone. She is now quite keen to go. She's had some time to think about it and I think it really helped that the head of the new school (who used to be the head of her school) said how please she would be to have dd join them.