Was the Teacher being fair?

[SunsetOnTheHorizon]

Ds6 used the word 'stinky' to her friend ( i know it is her friend-she always talks about her) to describe said friends breath.

She could have picked a nicer adjective but she didn't.

The teacher decided to make it official and hand out a written warning (also known as a yellow ticket).

So, has the Teacher over reacted or is stinky a 'nasty' word. Or is there a middle ground somewhere.

It was unkind and would have hurt her feelings.

However at 6 I think the jury can remain out about whether she intended to be mean or just hasn't developed the maturity yet to have known.

Teacher definitely needed to tell her it was unkind and is unkind to make personal comments. I'd address it individually with child and as a whole class reminder.

Not sure I'd go as far as a written yellow card for a first offence or accidental upset.
Perhaps teacher knows something about context which prompted her response?

It’s impossible to say that kindly. Impossible.

I think by 6 it's plenty old enough to understand we don't make personal comments. And I'm sure she knows that stinky isn't complimentary.

Maybe the teacher thought that if a quiet word was enough to explain that personal comments are hurtful, that you'd have done it already.

She made an unkind personal comment to a friend so a consequence is appropriate, yes.
Is a yellow ticket over the top? It depends, I'd hazard a guess that it wasn't a one off comment. Can you ask the teacher for the history? If she's being unkind then wouldn't you rather know?

I think you have too much time on your hands.
Tell your dd it's not nice to make comments like that, and move on.

and any positive work from dd is not even acknowledged

Its not preschool. She wont have a fuss made of her for just not being naughty and getting on with what shes supposed to be doing.They are expected to get on with their work. Praising/rewarding everyday work is counterproductive.

A quiet word with her would have done the trick. A yellow ticket for speaking your mind, not even in a spiteful way...
Would it have done the trick for the girl she embarassed though? Its important for that girl to see its taken seriously.

Are you at all getting that theres an embarrassed/humiliated little girl at the centre of this, its not all about your daughter!

OP, your DD very sneakily ridiculed her 'friend'. With friends like your DD, who needs enemies.
Speak to your child about not being mean and teach the mantra that if the other person doesn't find it funny, it's not a joke.

I am really glad the teacher gave her official warning; such behaviour must be snipped in the bud or she'll turn into right little Queen-bee-wannabe.

She could at 6 not have meant to be unkind. But the teacher sensibly took it seriously which will teach her that it is unkind to pass judgement like that on someone’s failings. Job done - she’s learnt the consequences of being unkind, even if not on purpose. And if she did mean it unkindly, she deserves a punishment (and a yellow ticket doesn’t sound terrible).

Great points made. Will actually take some on board. Can't help but notice the snidey remarks made in dds direction. She is 6 btw.... still learning and in all honesty so am I. Hence this thread.

The school are operating a zero rolerance for bad behaviour, something I learnt today from speaking to her teacher. Which is great news. Usually they are quite laid back.

The little girl is fine and back to playing with each other. Hoping dd has learnt something (and me obvs)

Zero tolerance is a good thing, if you think it was a reverse, don't you think? If your dd received unkind comments, it will be better that school is taking action against it, imo.
So why ?

Sn aside, the only reason a 6yr old would be still be learning not to make personal comments is if nobody has bothered explaining it before now.

I don't think I've ever spoken to anyone who doesn't have a tale about something rude or hurtful their toddler said in all innocence as a statement of fact. And thats when most parents explain why we don't do it. Yes some might forget and continue to state offensive facts, but 6 is really pushing it to say she still doesn't understand.

You seem to view it as though dd is still at the toddler stage.

Not to mention the funny things young kids say without really understanding the implications. My ds once ran across some department store shouting "let's go see the faggots" when in fact he was trying to say "let's go see the fabrics" which I discovered when I got to his goal...the fabric department. Or the phase he went through announcing to everyone that he wanted to grow up to be Japanese (we are very caucasian)...I had once told him that in Japan it's not considered bad manners to slurp your soup and he was into that concept.

She is 6, so has no filter.

You mean she’s 6 and she has no filter don’t you?

Six year olds can understand that you should think of how your words will make other people feel.

A 6 year old can understand that words can hurt, but may not always know what those words are. That's where parents and teachers come in. I think that giving a 6 year old a yellow card over the word stinky may be overkill as it doesn't leave much room for differentiating between that and much worse words. That doesn't mean that it shouldn't have been a teaching moment for the teacher to kindly tell the child that it was not an appropriate way to let another child know that her breath smelled. (And then perhaps, the teacher might also have privately let the child's parents know that she appears to be coming to school with her teeth unbrushed and that it's not good/healthy care for her teeth.)

Not entirely true. I can think of two separate situations were 9 year-old children said something that an adult would have known right away not to say it. In none of the cases there was intention to upset someone, but it was said without a filter, so it's up to the adult to explain the situation to the children and why sometimes a comment (even if it is true) can be hurtful and it is better not to say it.

A yellow warning card isn't going to destroy her future

It was done and dusted and she felt the consequence.

Hardly slapped about and excluded all afternoon was she?

Better to nip these in the bud and her to feel upset for a short while than it when it becomes uncontrollable

You seem to have taken this as a slight in your parenting

I don't think it is unfair the teacher did this, or an over reaction. You do seem intent however on justifying your child's behaviour which makes me wonder why you asked whether it was unreasonable.

Your child made an unpleasant personal remark that is hurtful to somebody else's child. The school is right to follow its discipline code and write her up. You have tried to justify your child's' comment by saying things like "She said that is stinky, like I said she could have kept quiet (probably hard if she's smelling it every day)" which is also deeply unpleasant about the other child as you yourself are now suggesting this poor child has a bad smell about her, even though you have also said before you do not know the context it was said in! So to defend your own child you've criticised another.

The fact you have explained to your child she needs to be nicer in her choice of words doesn't erase the need for the school to also make note of the incident. Nor does the fact your child does good at other times mean she has a get out of jail card to have her bad behaviour ignored.

Writing your child up for her nasty comment is hardly dealing with something in the 'most severe way'. I'd say the only person who is over reacting about this is you. No child is perfect. Your child did something wrong. Hopefully, given half the chance, she will learn from it and not do it again. And hopefully her friend is forgiving, because what you child did is not at all nice. Being able to reflect on our own shortcomings is a necessary part of personal development; your child will have been doing than when the teachers spoke to her about her behaviour. As parents, we also need to be able to see and reflect upon the shortcomings of our children, so we can help them grow up in nice people, not entitled brats who think they are never in the wrong.

Some children need to be taught empathy, others just get it. Your dd needs to think about how she would feel. Talk to her about it. She will learn.