5yr old poor behaviour and struggling to settle in reception

[bettybyebye]

DS started reception in September. Started ok-ish, not great at drop off but that was expected as had been the same at pre-school. Had a few issues wth his behaviour after Oct half term but that calmed down a lot up to christmas.

Since the Christmas holidays he has really struggled. Refusing to go outside at break time, refusing to do phonics and guided reading, and in the last week has refused to go into the hall at lunchtime to eat.

I was called in to meet with the class teacher and deputy head on Friday as he had had a terrible day. We discussed some strategies, what works at home etc and agreed that he would start this week with a sticker and reward chart.

I have just had a phone call from head of foundation to say he refused to go into the hall again at lunch time today so they said he could eat in the classroom, he then went climbing on the play kitchen, hid inside it and broke it. Shouted a lot, cried and basically had a bit of a meltdown.

We have been asked to go in tomorrow morning and meet with the head teacher and head of foundation stage.

He did 2 years at pre-school and we had absolutely none of these issues. We can struggle a little with his behaviour at home at times but absolutely nothing like what they are describing at school. However since he started school we are seeing a lot more anxious behaviour at home - his sleep has regressed massively, will no longer go upstairs/downstairs on his own etc.

He is my oldest child so I have limited school experience. This is breaking my heart and I want to work with the school to resolve but not sure what I should be expecting of them? My gut feeling is that something about school is making him v anxious, but how to discover what it is?

Has anyone had a similar experience with their child?

Aw, poor boy. My DS has problems settling at school too. The school were really helpful with strategies like having a quiet space he could go to. He’s in year 2 now, and is sometimes badly behaved but doing well generally. The boy he is sitting next to still has some issues and he has a social story stuck to his desk to show him what he needs to do at difficult bits of the day.

I think you need to discuss all those potential strategies. Good luck.

Many schools have to wait for a long time for the Ed Psych to see the children who are usually on a long list. He would be lucky to see one quickly. Definitely start with the SendCo.

Try to find out if there's something specific upsetting him (but it is hard, they tend to assume you know everything that happens to them without them saying at that age!).

Thanks all, it was a fairly positive meeting. I think I made the headteacher realise how much anxiety he is suffering from at the moment, and that is what is fuelling this behaviour. They are going to get the senco and learning mentors to spend some time with him to see if they can get to the bottom of what is troubling him, and try to teach him some coping strategies. They are also going to get an external person to come in and observe the classroom to see if they can pick up on anything that might be causing him distress (they said it’s often useful to have an external pair of eyes look at things).

To be honest I’m kind of annoyed that things have got this bad before they have thought about using the senco and learning mentor. Things are much worse than I realised and he is now completely refusing to take part in any lessons. They said he’s not playing with anyone particularly as he is completely isolating himself from the other children 😓

When I mentioned my concerns about his relationship with his teacher they kind of brushed that aside (as I expected) by saying they thought that it was an issue with the teacher initially but now he isn’t responding to any adults. Bit disappointed by this as I suspect her initial treatment of him massively contributed.

We are going to meet again in 3 weeks time to review. In the meantime if there are any big issues they are going to ring me rather than pass messages on at the classroom door, and I have been told to email the head of reception at any time if I have any queries/concerns or want to share anything with her.

And I guess we will continue with the live bombing/ talking positively about school at home. Feel so bad for my poor little boy 😓

That's quite a few positive steps, although I do wonder if he's moved so far past the things that initially upset him that the observers won't be able to 'see' anything other than him shutting down to everyone.

Trust your instincts with it all; if you feel that it's not working then it probably isn't. Even if the school are fab they also have many other responsibilities and considerations so can't put his needs first in the same way that you can.

It sounds really hard but you clearly have your head screwed on and want to sort this for your lovely boy.

My ds also shut down round all the other adults because he'd lost faith and trust in all adults at school. If intervention had happened earlier, I don't think it would have got as bad as it did. He is very much rebuilding relationships with adults now but it takes him a long time to trust them.

Sounds like a positive meeting and some good steps but what a shame it's got so far down the line.

If you are able, ask if you can stay for a hour or two to observe him yourself in the class as well. You know him better than anyone and will spot things others won't. This was advice from CAMHS and was a real eye opener for me.

Meeting seems positive OP, fingers crossed. Lots of good advice here but keep in mind not every area has the same services and pathways so it may take a different route re the professionals involved.

@Worrying - your comment about a teacher needing to have their own children to empathise is hurtful and totally untrue. Don’t let one incompetent person cloud your view.

His teacher rang me yesterday afternoon to say he had had a better afternoon than the morning. He spent time with the senco yesterday so they are already implementing some of the plans. He now has his own little space outside of the classroom where he can go to do his rewards when he has earnt stickers, so I am hoping he starts to view that as a safe space.

We have just made his packed lunch together and he is very excited for lunchtime today now so I am really hoping that will help today if he feels he has at least been in control of his lunch.

Worrying - that’s interesting about staying to observe him in class. I imagine my DS would just spend the whole time talking to me/showing me what he was doing so I wouldn’t be able to observe him as he normally is - how did it work for you with your DS?

Miaow - it's got nothing to do with female reproductive status fgs - men are parents too. All I said was what I've found over the last few years - teachers who are parents have another level of empathy. That doesn't make non parent teachers necessarily worse, just different. That applies to all types of workplace experience - elderly care, SEN, medical conditions etc. If you have personal experience you can empathise differently.

OP - it was fine me observing. I sat near him and still interacted a little bit with him and the novelty wore off quite quickly as I went in a few times over a short period.

Why are you being so ridiculously confrontational to a stranger on the Internet? People are allowed to have different opinions to each other.

So DS has a good day today by all accounts. He went into class this morning and completed 2 pieces of work, and loved the fact he had a packed lunch today. He still ate in the classroom rather than the hall but after he’d finished he said he wanted to play with “John” (not real name!) so they went and got John and then they went outside and played together for the rest of the lunch break. Teacher said he wasn’t as good with the work stuff this afternoon but to be honest i’m so relieved about the positive progress at lunch time I can live with that for now.

He also went to after school club fine, which has been an issue for him the last couple of weeks. When I picked him up he declared that he loved it and couldn’t wait for next week!

He randomly said to me earlier that he can’t trust his teacher which I thought was very telling 🤔 I tried to reassure him and gloss over it but I may have to tell the head of reception that.

Hoping for a good day tomorrow too so we can go into the weekend feeing a bit more positive...

That is a lot more positive and I think the school have listened to you. Of course they could have done it earlier but at least you have a plan now.

I wonder what he means by trust in his teacher? That’s quite a big concept for a 5 year old. Does he mean he doesn’t like her and that he will take time to change his view? Why is she untrustworthy? Did she promise something and not deliver? Just curious as to what he means.

The external observer will be interesting and, in my opinion, better than you doing it. Parents are no more detached than the teachers. Sometimes schools have a visit from an Ed Psych booked in and ask them to do a class observation. It could be an Early Years specialist. I would be interested to know who it is.

OP there is a book called "The Explosive Child" that you might find interesting. Not because your son sounds particularly explosive (he sounds more overwhemed) but because its starting premise (children do/behave well if they can) might be applicable here. It has certainly been very helpful with our youngest .

Bubbles - DH and I were talking earlier about this saying we’re not sure he understands what trust is. He told DH that he made a “trust hand” at school today, and on one side was me, DH, grandad, dd, and on the other his teacher’s name 3 times. I imagine he did that with either the senco or learning mentor so will be interesting to see if school feed anything back about that. I am kicking myself for not asking what organisation this external person works for but will try and find out. They named her and said she had done observations for them previously.

Thanks barbarian, will check that book out

Hey. We are having issues with my DS4 in reception, refusing to write, refusing to come in after break time, talking back, throwing, and generally being awful. At home his behaviour isn't angelic but its OK and usually any outbursts are down to being tired or a bit of sibling jealousy when DD1 is getting mummy cuddles. He also has an issue with loud noises but better now - they think he had glue ear which we missed, and has now cleared up

Have you had his ears checked? I would suggest that first as that can cause a whole host of behavioral issues. Maybe his balance is off so he doesn't want to go outside and run about?

Mine is also very afraid of getting it wrong when he is writing or reading, gets angry when he cant do something, he is behind the others but he is also the youngest in the class and is having speech therapy (probably linked to his ears as it was raised at nursery) so gets anxious and says he hates school and doesn't want to go, says he feels sick

He also talks a lot about his old nursery buddies who go to different schools now, he misses them and it makes him sad I think.

don't worry, don't panic, reassure him. I think a lot of kids struggle in reception as its scary and a lot is expected of them xx

Hi itchy so sorry to hear you are having problems too. It’s so hard when they are so tiny.

I think you’re right though that they can struggle because so much is expected of them. Hadn’t considered ear issues previously but I might take him for a check up.

He’s had another good day today, earned all his stickers on his school sticker chart, and huge progress on the lunch front. He sat in the “forest room” which is a small quieter room off the dining hall with a friend of his, then went outside to play afterwards.
Still not quite the hall but a darn site better than sitting in the classroom with the teachers!

I can’t believe the difference having packed lunches has made. I think the fact that he has that control over his lunch has really helped him.

I think we and he still have a lot of work to do but the week has definitely ended better than it began. Thanks so much for the thoughts and experience you have all shared. It’s been good to know others have been through similar and come through it