DS 6Year 2 behaviour issues

[LarryUnderwood]

After sailing through reception and year 1 my august born ds (6) is having a shaky start to yr 2 and I’m struggling to know how best to deal with him and the school about it. Behaviour issues are (this is based on reports from his teacher):
General low level disruptive e.g. turning round/chatting during carpet time, making silly noises.
Getting very easily distracted by another boy in class (who is also somewhat disruptive) - I think they are feeding off each other and DS struggles to ignore this boy when he does something daft or naughty (and vice versa).
Impulse control is poor esp during physical activity e.g. will be off and tearing around without listening to instructions.
He’s very bright and not struggling at all with the academic side, I wonder if he might be a bit bored.
Behaviour at home and clubs is generally ok, but we probably have a higher tolerance for silliness.
I’m only at the School gate once a week and I always ask the teacher how his week has been. If I don’t ask she won’t tell me but when I do ask there’s a list of ways in which he has been silly/childish/irritating (her words). I’ve asked her what we can do to work together and we’ve agreed that she will send me a note on how he’s done each day and he can earn treats at home for good behaviour/lose treats for poor behaviour. This is not really working - he’s getting constantly negative or neutral reports so he’s not earning just losing, and he’s getting very down and upset. In class they have a points system to earn golden time but she said it’s not very effective ‘because they all end up getting some golden time anyway’. I don’t feel very confident that she is dealing with his behaviour effectively in class because she seems rather apathetic about it. Last year as soon as we had an issue of similar behaviour his teacher was straight onto the phone to me, making suggestions for what she could do in class and how that could link on at home. It worked and he had a great year.
His yr 2 teacher is difficult to communicate with - she doesn’t respond to messages on the school system and will only engage with parents if approached.
I get that his behaviour is disruptive and I want to work with the school. But I just don’t feel like constantly telling him he’s being naughty is going to work, there’s got to be something positive in there. We’re trying to find that balance at home but at school all he seems to be told is he’s ‘disruptive’ or ‘ok’. I’d welcome ideas from teachers/parents on what we as parents could be doing more/less of and how best to approach the school. I’m feeling really sad for him because he is so happy and engaged when he’s doing well and being praised but that’s just not happening right now and it feels like a vicious circle.

Why not suggest that his current teacher implements the strategies that worked well in year 1?

Yes, I have told yr2 teacher what these were and how they worked, she ummed and aahed then suggested the strategy of daily notes with us providing the incentives. I had suggested DS could earn a certificate from teacher each week (which we then reward) - this was one of the things from last year. Yr 2 teacher straightaway suggested daily notes instead, but we’re finding that it is a detailed list of wrongs eg 9.15 chatted with x, 10am silly noise etc which I think sort of misses the point of the positive nature of a certificate. I’m not suggesting that he’s not being naughty, but it feels very much like a stick rather than a carrot. Am I being too precious?

Why are you so involved in home with low level disruption that the teacher isn't even interested in telling you about unless you force it? What was the trigger that got the teacher asking for your involvement

Personally I can't imagine any home reward/punishment system working for this, as it's so remote from the activity that triggers it.

If there isn’t behaviour worthy of reward then he won’t get the reward, surely? Or do you think the teacher has it in for him?

You say he breezed through reception and Y1 then you say you had similar issues last year.
You also say you have more tolerance for silliness. If your expectations are completely different to school then he may struggle. Is he allowed to talk over you or ignore you when you're speaking.
Worth getting the teacher this year to talk to the teacher last year?
Worth asking for the "report" to include stuff he's done well?
He needs to be kept separate from the other boy in class obviously.

Rewards and consequences need to be in school.

Behavioural issues can become more difficult to manage as they go through the school.

He sounds like my DS with ADHD..Do take a look ...

Wow, loads of replies thank you.

Lots to think about. Why am I so involved? I don’t know really. I suppose because I am only at the school once a week I am in the habit of asking the teacher at handover how DS’s week has been. And then if she says ‘oh he’s been really irritating/not good etc’ then I ask for more info. Maybe I should just not be asking and assume that if she’s not approaching me then things are fine?

Yes, I did feel like he was pretty settled in reception and year 1. In yr 1 I was in the habit (again) of asking how his week was and the answer was generally fine/good/great, with the occasional ‘he’s been a bit silly’. He had one blip in behaviour for about 2 weeks after Xmas where he struggled to focus on anything, and his teacher was very proactive in telling me what she was doing in class and discussing what we would do at home to support that. It worked well. So it feels like quite a shock this year to have a few weeks of being told he’s been misbehaving. And I suppose I have taken yr1 as a pointer on what might be effective and I was trying to support his yr 2 teacher by starting a conversation about what we could do at home to address his silly behaviour. Which in hindsight was perhaps a mistake.

Unfortunately his yr 1 teacher has left so I can’t ask his current teacher to speak to her.

In terms of his behaviour at home, yes I suppose we are more tolerant of silliness than school would be, because we’re at home and relaxing. That doesn’t mean he is allowed to behave badly but maybe I need to think more about what we do and don’t tolerate. He isn’t allowed to talk over us or ignore us and he is expected to sit and focus on things when we’re doing stuff together. We also do a lot of outdoor & physical play so I think he has much more of an outlet when he’s at home. And we don’t have 30 kids to manage so he is not competing for attention.

I’ll think about doing more concentration-based activities to give him more practice and support at home in how to focus.

No, I don’t think his current teacher has it in for him at all. I do think that she has a very different teaching style and approach to discipline from his year 1 teacher and DS is having trouble adapting to that. And I am struggling with what I see as a mismatch between how she describes his behaviour (he’s irritating/childish/needs to grow up, notes listing several incidents per day where he has been disruptive) and her actions (not really communicating with me about behaviour unless asked).

I agree that the consequences and rewards need to be more immediate. And no I don’t expect him to be rewarded if his behaviour is not good. But he is 6 and if he rarely gets any positive reinforcement at school (which I don’t think he is) then he will struggle – I think that’s normal.

I’ll see how the rest of this week goes and have a chat with DH at the weekend about whether we continue with this or I try and speak to his teacher again.

TA in the class last year may be able to share what worked?
I'm not suggesting at all that home should be in any way regimented or like school! NOOO! But I see many parents at the school gate tolerating behaviour that isn't acceptable. Kids hitting parent if they're not being given attention right now or shoving each other over.
The teacher needs to find something to praise. Great drawing. Lovely piece of work. Even look aren't you sitting beautiful. Anything. If it's all critical why should he even try?!

On the days you get an ok , doe sit still detail every little thing he did wrong? What is the difference in behaviour between ok and bad days? Is it enough of an improvement that an ok day should be encouraged?

Then in time he can strive for great.

Tbh an ok day for me would be enough for a reward,and probably a lot more achievable atm.

I wouldn't ask personally.
If I asked dds teacher there would be something each day, she has behavioural problems and sen.
if there's a bigger problem than the usual little annoying bits then they will call me over at the end of the day or will ring home.

Stop asking, I am a supply teacher and I know the only parents (who are strangers to me) who ask about their children at the end of the day are the ones who have infact behaved poorly that day. Additionally if you need to speak to the teacher at the end of the day you really need to make an appointment. Home time is manic and the teacher needs to make sure all the children are released safely at home time, they have no time to make conversation with grown ups.

Crimsonlake- I’m not sure what you mean by that. Are you suggesting that parents who know their children have behaviour problems should not ask how their children are doing?
We had a message from this teacher at the start of term saying to please speak to her at the end of the school day if we had questions or wanted to discuss anything so that’s what I have been doing - it’s not a daily occurrence but I understand probably lots of parents do the same thing.
I think it’s clear that I need to back off - and I will. This teacher in particular has a reputation for not engaging with parents (she’s taught other classes in my sons year group from reception to yr 2)so I suppose I was trying to be proactive.
It does however leave me with a son who I know is getting disheartened by his constant failure to get points etc and is getting all of his positive attention from other equally silly boys egging each other on.

Rebelrogue - she’s not given us a quick steer like a thumbs up or thumbs down (which is what I was expecting I suppose). It’s a detailed list every day of every time she has told him off for something and what he was doing and with who. We then have to sort of judge whether that is ok or not. We’ve had one day the where she just said he’s been ok I didn’t have to tell him off today so we made a big fuss and rewarded him for that.
I did not ask for the detailed reports btw! I just suggested that in ur 1 his teacher would give him a little certificate if he’d done well, and maybe that would work. She said she could do a daily note and I said whatever worked for her was fine.

Anyway, will see how he does and won’t approach teacher again.

What did she say about his behaviour at parent's evening?

"It does however leave me with a son who I know is getting disheartened by his constant failure to get points etc"

I think you have to make him understand that if he stops acting silly, then he will not feel disheartened.

Sounds to me like a typical 6 yr old boy honestly.
What is he eating for breakfast and lunch (too much sugar in the am? Hungry mid day)
Is a boys school available? What options are there to change classes or begin planning ahead for next years teacher.
Sounds to me like the teacher might be inexperienced with wiggly high energy boys.

Years ago now ds really struggled in year 1 a lovely teacher but ds was being a typical 6 year old and she didn't really get ds- very bright but not really into school stuff at that age !! Plus lots of ' playfighting ' in the playground which often led to him getting into trouble. We had behaviour reports etc ( partly instigated by me ) but I'm not sure that they really worked . I think him knowing that I was going to talk to him about his day , and support him ( as well as point out when his behaviour needed a bit of work!!) was probably more important . So maybe if you get reports of him being silly get him to try and think about what happened and why ?Also making sure he ate at break and lunch - he's still awful now if he's hungry !! Things improved dramatically as he matured and got a different teacher - I know in November that seems hard and a new teacher a long way off but hang in there you are being supportive and involved and I'm sure that will help it to work out in the end

I think one of the main differences may be the expectations in Y2 compared to Y1. In lots of schools Y2 is now very formal because of the increased academic standard the children are expected to reach by May/June. It requires a lot of teacher led 'sit down and listen' type learning and formal practise. It is particularly hard on Summer borns. Your DS is being called 'silly' and 'immature' but maybe he actually just isn't really ready to learn in the way the school are teaching him.

I'd be tempted to stop asking TBH and see what happens.