Friendships in reception (girls)

[ReMyDog]

There is a girl in dd's reception class who seems strong willed and dominant and little bit unkind.

In the classroom she pulls grumpy faces at my dd and says things like "you can't come to my house" or "you can't come to my party". I have observed some of this behaviour myself at drop off and pick up. This girl wants to decide where my dd sits and gets cross when my dd doesn't do as she is instructed by her.

Other girls in dc's class seem to feel a mix of fear and fascination wrt this girl. My dd is unhappy with the way this girls acts towards her and talk about it a lot at home.

What can my dd say or do when this girl pulls a mean face at her or says dd is not allowed to play with her and dd's friends? I will talk to the class teacher next week who is brilliant and lovely but want to teach dd to stand up for herself too.

So far I have told my dd to tell this girl " that's unkind please don't do that" or put her hand up to tell the teacher that the other girl has pulled a face at her.

Please can you share some practical steps I could teach dd?
Thank you.

My DD is in reception and it's a whole new world for them isn't it?
We've tried to instil a bit of resilience in DD and suggested she goes to speak to a teacher about unkind behaviour. We've also really tried to create some strong friendships, it seemed to me that pre reception her good friends were friendships I'd set up by meeting other mums and really they don't know how to do that successfully yet. We've done a few play dates and she now seems to have some strong friendships with those children and then isn't bothered by others who aren't being so kind.

It's all so new for all of them, they need to find their way a bit.

Honestly, I think shrug, walk away and play with/sit with someone else is the best advice you can give her. We had a bit of this in reception - child tried to boss DD around, then when DD wasn't prepared to be bossed tried to exclude her. In year 1 DD now seems to have found a wider friendship group, including some of the boys and some of the new reception children, and it's all working better for her. The friendships also seem to have got more about shared interests rather than who thinks who has the best shoes or whatever oddness they base their first impressions on at that age.

And yes definitely talk to the teachers, both my kids' reception teachers were brilliant at this stuff.

Role play and practice responses at home. Make a bit of a lighthearted game of it.

"Role play and practice responses at home."
Yes I believe this is a good idea and we started today. What sort of responses should I practice with her?

Ignoring shoulder shrugging is also good and finding a place near her other friends. There are a fe lovely children in her class and a few who say odd things but then, maybe they all do that?

Another girl in her class told my dd that her coat looks like and old coat. I try to stay neutral and say things like maybe this other girl has never seen a nice coat such as yours. I don't want to say anything derogative about the other children even if they are unkind because my dd is very much looking to me to see how to react and I don't want her to get into dramas but rather ignore them.

Does she have a duffel coat or something? I wouldn't expect a 4 yr old to be able to say it's a traditional style, but that's probably all they mean, nothing derogatory.

I can think of one child in DD's class who I've never heard say something weird or accidentally rude, and it's not DD. They're a lovely bunch mostly, just they're little and don't have much filter.

"I wouldn't expect a 4 yr old to be able to say it's a traditional style, but that's probably all they mean, nothing derogatory. " I love your interpretation and am quite sure you're right!

They say 'stop it, I don't like it' at our school. Yes do speak to the teacher.
My dd refused to ever wear a duffle coat, whereas I love them, because Paddington bear wears one 🤣. But she would not comment on someone else's coat, she would not notice.
I would not say that child has never seen a coat as nice as yours because it's derogatory.
Invite nice children from the class to play. My children knew nobody when they started school we did lots and lots if having children to play. It takes a While to find the nice ones, bear in mind you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a Prince!

Just something like "I like it" is a good response to comments about the coat.

I wouldn't suggest they put a hand up and say that "she's pulled faces at me". They need to be able to deal with that level of social interaction. If they're doing "he pulled a face at me" too often then she may struggle to get listened to if it's something more serious.

Things like "you will/won't be my best friend/come to my party" is very typical in reception. It doesn't actually have any bearing on whether they are invited even when it's just before the invites come out-and often it's months away. You may even find your dd is using it!

I'd speak to the teacher if you think your child is being excluded or is finding it particularly hard, but at this point they're knocking down together and learning.

A friend’s daughter goes to a girls’ school where they use “TAG” - Tell them you don’t like {whatever it is}, Ask them to stop then Get an adult.

Our school is similar. Tell them you don't like it, and go somewhere else. If that does fix the situation, tell an adult.

My older one was explaining the system to my younger child when he had a problem at school. "Say you don't like it, and walk away. If they don't leave you alone, tell an adult."

I chatted with the teacher when a boy told my child he couldn't play with his other friends. Teachers kept an eye out, and it didn't happen again. If the child is distraught over being excluded, that can be another good option. It may be less useful for the frenemy situation your daughter seems to be in.