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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

4yo not settling at school

10 replies

Rugratwrangler · 25/09/2017 14:22

My 4 year old DS started reception a couple of weeks ago, he has started his third week today. His first day he was fine, he went in, had a little play, and sat down nicely. Since then he clings to me, screaming and crying, every single day. He literally has to be peeled from me. He's quite strong, I struggle with him at times because of it, the teachers that try and hold him back so I can leave struggle to actually hold him.

I have to force him to get dressed in the morning a lot of the time, partially because when we got his school jumper, it had literlaly no stretch in the neck, and I couldn't get it on him. The shop gave us a different one, but it's still a bit tight and it makes him extremely anxious. I have to carry him all the way to school. In his first week, he at least walked home, but he wont even do that now. It's only a 10 minute walk, but he is a very big built, heavy boy. I struggle to carry him a lot of the time. His attitude at home stinks at the moment, he is being so stubborn and is not listening to a word I say, or his dads (yesterday he spent the day with his cousin, and he listened to her fine, so at least he still listens to somebody!).

Last week we had a "meeting" with the teachers about how he was settling in, and what we can do to help him settle. While he does stop crying and is generally happy there, he is very stubborn and defiant, i.e. not doing his work when he's asked to, he will only use one word answers, and instead of playing with other children, he'll sit and play along side them. However, he is going to the toilet ok and eating his lunch, though one of the TAs mentioned he has to be prompted a bit to eat as he gets distracted.

When he started nursery at age 3, he only had a couple of words in his vocab, he had delayed speech, saw speech therapists and things. It took him a couple of weeks to settle in there, but he eventually did, and the thrived. By the time he left he was discharged from speech therapy and had caught up to where he needed to be, though reception want to bring the speech therapy back into the fray, which I'm fine with. He had made a few friends and was really happy, always keen to go.

After the first week of reception he asked me when his friends are going to arrive. I asked what he meant, he said he was waiting for his friends from nursery to arrive at school. When I explained to him that his friends from nursery had gone to different schools, he burst into tears and said "my friends have left me". Which was utterly heartbreaking. I comforted and consoled him, explained things to him and he seemed to understand. Except now he seems to think he'll be going back to nursery soon. He wont listen to me when I say that's not going to happen, and even if he did his friends wouldn't be there.

I am trying my best to stay positive with him, especially in the mornings when it's time to get dressed, keep things happy and cheery, but after the 30th time of him ignoring me I start to get a bit cross. By the time I've dropped him at school and I'm out of the school gates again, I'm in tears (not in front of him), I don't know what I can do to help, I feel so useless and powerless. I'm getting quite stressed about it, it's making me anxious. I think in part I'm stressed and anxious because I've had a change in medication, but I'm losing sleep and losing weight (the latter isn't such a bad thing, as I could do to lose some weight, but I'd rather it was controlled). I do my best to make sure the stress and anxiety doesn't show, but I can't keep it all contained. My DP (his dad) sometimes starts a work shift later in the day and could do the school run now and then, but I really don't think it would help matters.

Can somebody just tell me it'll all be ok? It will get better wont it?

OP posts:
Rugratwrangler · 25/09/2017 14:25

I should add, at nursery DS was doing 15 hours, so two full days and a half day. At reception he is doing full days 5 days a week. Which is probably quite a shock for him

OP posts:
ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 25/09/2017 14:27

It will get better.

Could you arrange a play date with some nursery friends?

I think too it would be fine for you to acknowledge his upset. As an adult it can feel very dismissive when someone tries to constantly pull you out of a funk: like you're feelings aren't valid. If you know what I mean?

It's okay to feel sad and miss your old friends. It's fine to take your time to settle in - we are here for you always.

Rugratwrangler · 25/09/2017 14:37

Unfortunately no, I don't know the parents of his nursery friends. I didn't speak to anybody while he was there

OP posts:
Rugratwrangler · 25/09/2017 14:39

And thanks, it's good to hear it will get better. Eventually. I've told him it's ok to be upset, I've also reminded him I'm always here to talk if he wants to, or he can even talk to his teachers if he prefers.

OP posts:
scottishclive · 25/09/2017 16:23

sounds very familiar to our situation. But my view would be that if he thrived at nursery after a bit of time, he will do the same at school once he has settled in. The teachers should be able to help him as well.

Floralnomad · 25/09/2017 16:28

Can you organise to have a few children from his class round to play . When my dd started reception I did a whole class Halloween party , it was great for getting to know some of the other parents and children .

Callamia · 25/09/2017 16:35

It's hard isn't it? My son has been left behind at nursery by his friends who have moved on to school, and he's been heartbroken. I think really trying to help him to make new friends is the thing to do. Invite some people over/go to the park/whatever, but it sounds like having a social group will be some motivation for him.

Standardpubquizname · 25/09/2017 20:56

It sounds like its really stressful at the moment but as others have said if he thrived at nursery its likely that he will do the same here given a bit of time.

Perhaps read some books with him about starting school, that may help him to understand that he won't be going back to nursery but that big school is exciting with new friends and toys etc

A lot of what you say seems fairly standard for year r children a lot of them are very distracted in the dining hall, use less words/shorter sentences than they would in other settings and can be stubborn about following instructions.

Have you tried bringing a snack when you go and pick him up? A combination of hunger/tiredness may be making him reluctant to walk.

Hang in there, I'm sure it will get better and school sound supportive/proactive which is good

Shopkinsdoll · 25/09/2017 21:13

I really feel your pain, we are in Scotland so been back since about august. My daughter screamed, kicked and bit. We had to put her in the breakfast club as I have work to go to. She has her big brother for company. I was leaving her in tears and going to work stressed and taking antidepressants. Now she's just starting to settle, I have to go in with her and help her get her breakfast, sit her down and can go. I'm the only parent that does this. And as long as her brother is there and doesn't leave her before the bell goes she's fine.

suitcaseofdreams · 26/09/2017 11:55

I would focus on helping him make new friendships at his school - play dates and get togethers after school etc
I would actually avoid meeting up with old nursery friends as he needs to look forwards not back (have just learnt this lesson in moving my children from one school to another - going back to see old friends just makes them more unsettled)

It's a big change starting school and it will take time - sounds like the school is working well with you which is great

If going in is a particular tricky point, can you work with the school to make that easier? He goes in 5 mins early, he's met by a TA and given a 'job' to do first thing or something along those lines? Something to make that parting from you a bit easier...that might help....

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