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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

My DS (4) is Struggling

20 replies

Pipsqueaked · 13/09/2017 12:37

DS has been in school for a week (not long I know so I'm probably panicking way before I need to), but he is getting very anxious and tearful about the other children in school.

I have noticed that he seems to think everyone in his class are his friends. (A view they obviously don't share) and so on the way to school he will try talking to the children in his class. They will answer the first few questions and then ignore. He doesn't understand this ends up talking "at" them rather than "to" them and gets upset. It's like he doesn't know the social cues when conversation is wanted or not. My heart breaks for him to see him so confused and upset at pick up every day. "But why would Sam want to play with Ben and not me?" Etc.

OP posts:

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/09/2017 13:00

I think this is quite common in reception tbh. Ds was like this last year and settled in eventually and has a group of friends rather than a best friend now.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 13/09/2017 13:00

I think this is quite common in reception tbh. Ds was like this last year and settled in eventually and has a group of friends rather than a best friend now.

Original poster

Pipsqueaked · 13/09/2017 13:11

Thank you tomorrow it's reassuring to hear it can be normal. He's normally such a confident/ happy child it's really upsetting seeing him so upset. But of cause full time school is a huge change so it's normal to be unsettling I suppose.

OP posts:

Lifechallenges · 14/09/2017 23:32

4 year old kids conversation patterns are different from adults and often brutal. They don't however interpret them in the same way.
Typical conversations
'Why don't you play with x' 'cos he's not my friend today'
' would you like to play with z' 'no I don't want to...
Watch secret lives of four year olds on TV and you'll feel a whole lot better. All normal

Original poster

Pipsqueaked · 15/09/2017 23:34

He just doesn't seem to have any friends or even children he plays with. He says he spends all day on his own. My heart breaks for him. He's really upset. Teacher says he's fine though?

OP posts:

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 16/09/2017 00:49

Ds always said that through nursery and reception. It was never true and from the amount of greetings he used to get through the school runs from his classmates I don't think it was true.

TinselTwins · 16/09/2017 00:57

Posters who say this is normal: how would you advise an ADULT friend who felt this way about their colleagues a week into a new job? Posses me off how kids emotional issues are often dismissed as "normal" and " their age" . OP, you're obviously listening to your child or you wouldn't have posted, please don't listen to posters who tell you that anxiety and stress is "normal" in children and should be dismissed.

Anotheroneofthese · 16/09/2017 05:47

I would also say that it is nor unusual but if you are worried, then speak to the teacher so that they can keep an eye out. Keep listening to him and encouraging him to interact with as many classmates as possible.

My son is one of those who have never eaten anything, learned anything or played with anyone. I have had concerns about schoolmates being unkind to him but the teacher assured me he is popular with his classmates and I have observed that myself. In my son's case, I believe it is the playground power struggles that was getting to him. Things were not always going his way.

I hope things get better for your son. I guess throughout school life there will be those experiences that they have to deal with - forming and losing friendships and learning to operate within social norms.

Rhubarbz · 16/09/2017 06:16

Can you encourage him to talk to people when they are interested in talking to him and talking back? So if trey are quiet, move on!

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 16/09/2017 06:20

A new boy started in DS2's class in reception (they've just gone into year 2). The new boy said that everyone in the class was his best friend. He got over it in a few months and has lots of friends in the class now, including DS2.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis · 16/09/2017 06:23

Rhubarbz some adults never learn that (XH I'm looking at you)! 😂

Original poster

Pipsqueaked · 16/09/2017 16:31

Thanks everyone. I just struggled with friends myself in primary school and worry about that horrible feeling repeating itself with him. I'm also worried everyone is so much more settled than he is.

OP posts:

Nordicwannabe · 17/09/2017 06:40

DD (same age) struggles too. She thinks about it, tries hard, but doesn't understand social cues that other 4 year olds seem to follow naturally. I think some kids just 'get' the flow more easily than others. But they can get it - it just needs practice, and that's the work of this age group.

DD's teacher recognised it in nursery, and worked hard to give her chances to practice, and I've really noticed the difference. Give it a bit of time to settle then speak to your DS's teacher, I'm sure she'll be trying to help him too.

DD really wants to understand what to do. We talk about specific situations and what to do (although sometimes I don't know what to suggest and worry I'm giving bad advice!) The good thing is that they get lots of chances to try, since these are every day things and 4 year olds are quite forgiving of previous social errors! This is definitely the time for them to figure this stuff out!

This book (How to be a friend: a guide to making friends and keeping them) is good. We got it a while ago, but since starting Reception last week, she has chosen it herself at bedtime several times.

Love51 · 17/09/2017 06:54

What is he getting anxious and tearful about? More precisely than just 'other children'? Remember out of the other children in his class, some will be socially adept, but they will all be 4/5 so many will struggle in their own way. I've got one just finished reception and one just started. I encourage them to tell the teacher for any real meanness such as hitting, but ignore silliness ('x is a rude girl. She was rude to me' 'oh, how's that then' 'she showed her tummy at me') They are all overwhelmed with getting to know a huge number of people, new routines etc, and lots of them will be very tired. Keep chatting with him, but don't fret, they will get there eventually!

Original poster

Pipsqueaked · 17/09/2017 08:52

He's anxious and tearful about all the boys in his class playing together and not playing with him.

Nordic that's good advice thank you. He honestly can't grasp when people want to talk and when it's time to find someone else to talk to. Hopefully it will come with practice. I will let the teacher know on Monday that he's struggling and see if they can keep an eye on him.

OP posts:

Blink1982 · 17/09/2017 09:22

My D'S is in the same boat op. He says that he just plays on his own because he's shy of the other children, so for a different reason ymto your ds. The teacher said he started to talk to other ppl the other day but im not sure. Hes very anxious about going now. He was so excited to start and i feel that this might ruin his eagerness to learn n enjoy it. Ive got a meeting next week to see what i can do n to stop the TA being a nob to him.

Original poster

Pipsqueaked · 17/09/2017 09:59

Yes, Blink it's horrible isn't it not being there to make it better for them? Good luck to you and DS.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 17/09/2017 10:03

does he try and play or see them all playing This age they tend to just get on with it and play with whoever is there and wont go out of their way to find (or even notice) if someone isnt.

Original poster

Pipsqueaked · 17/09/2017 10:06

He says they tell him to go away, not sure why they would though, so maybe he's just worried about that happening?

OP posts:

PanannyPanoo · 17/09/2017 10:11

All of the children in my daughters reception class went to the attached pre school, except her. so she found it pretty difficult. as everyone knew each other and was familiar with staff and buildings. I asked a friendly mum at the school gates if she would like to come round for a while after school, children played. We had a chat. Both made a friend. We did it a few times with different friends and it really helped.

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