Hitting in reception

[Blink1982]

DS started reception last week. It's not been a great success. He was so excited about going but when he gets in there he wants to leave because he said he's too shy to talk to the other children.

One boy who he was friends with at Playschool went to the same school and class, which I was initially really pleased about. However since starting school he's been saying he's not friends with this boy and can't find the words to explain why.

Other boys mum text me today to say DS had been pushing this boy and today punched him 😲 obviously I'm horrified n so embaressed it's so unlike him to be hitting anyone. I can only think it's because of this change to new big school.

I asked him why he hurt this boy n he said because he kept following me. I've told him to say he doesn't want to play and stop following me if he needs to, but no hitting because it's not kind n hurts. I've also asked him to tell the teacher if he's following.

What more can I do?? It's only been a week n a half and I don't want him branded the mean kid :(

Today was more of the same. I was in tears driving back, I don't want to send him tomorrow.

The boy was asked to hold the door open for assembly, DS wanted to hold the door and the boy wouldn't let him so DS went to strangle him ffs. Same boy. Teacher said she had a chat with them about what to do when frustrated and angry.

I dunno what to do. I'm watching him now and he's being lovely n kind but I can't help thinking how nasty he's been and it's tainting how I am w him, I don't want it to.

He's not being nasty per se. he just doesn't know how to deal with disappointment, teasing, etc.

You need to do some talking about keeping hands and feet (and teeth) to himself at all times . You need to say it is never acceptable.
Then maybe get some toys out and role play other situations & reactions.

Don't keep going on about it, but remind him tomorrow morning before school. If he has a good day tomorrow buy him some chocolate buttons on the way home.

Talk to him about what he should do

OP - you mentioned Playschool. Was this a nursery setting where you dropped and ran, or a playgroup where you stayed? I'm wondering whether he isn't yet used to negotiating his own way without you around?

Lots of hugs and reassurance that you love him, but the behaviour is not acceptable.

It was a nursery type setting so he was in there for 3 days a week without me. He loved it there. Had the initial not wanting to stay bit when he started at 3 but they let me stay til he was happy. It only took about 3 days.

I think you just have to keep talking to him, how do you feel if someone done that to you?, you feel hurt?, do you like it? etc, etc.
There isn't quick fix. It won't be sorted in the short period of time.
But if you work with the teacher and be firm, you will get there.
School and nursery is a totally different environment. Now he needs to get used to listening to teachers, follow rules, and deal with more variety of children.
I felt like crying everyday back then, but it is just distant memory now.
We are here for you. Be strong.

I think the teacher will be trying to control this situation. Your DS is obviously struggling with the concept of this other boy being given a responsibility he wanted so could not control his emotions. Being able to do this will take a while.

I am not sure what YR is like in other parts of the country but I do not believe hitting is common in YR where I live. There are usually one or two who behave like this infrequently but I don't think hitting is common. In most schools it is definitely uncommon! It would be impossible to control YR if it happened all the time.

You are right to be concerned because it's a quick way to end up without friends. So keep working with him and the school to help him mature. Did he not have to see other children be given responsibility at nursery? It seems odd he cannot accept it now.

I don't think it's just the responsibility issue Bubbles. He does relish it when he's helping adults and doing jobs and tasks, but I think it's a number of things. Mainly trying to learn how to deal with emotions (mainly anger obviously).

Up until he started school if he was angry he'd walk away with a face on and clenched fists saying I'm not friends. So I'm really not sure how it's escalated to hitting.

Today after chatting with him at bed he said that the teacher said if he's angry he should try counting. I said that it's a great idea. He said no I don't want to count, I want to be angry 😲 that upset me obs, and I was saying but you enjoy being happy because you can play and smile and have fun. Also when I was telling him that hitting is never ok because it hurts, makes people sad and is a horrible thing to do. He said he was a horrible boy. That broke my heart. He has never behaved like this before school I told him that he is definately not horrible he's lovely and great at sharing, he said no I'm horrible.

Oh blink it's so hard for little ones, I really underestimated how overwhelming it is to start school.

DS1 would run around the yard 'hitting' the other kids. In his head he was trying to get them to play tag with him!

We had a horrendous first term with him and it was v upsetting for everyone but he certainly wasn't the only child struggling. With him it was lunchtimes that were a problem he couldn't handle the noise/busyness/unstructured play and struggled to fit in.

The teachers said he was emotionally immature and it would come with age - I didn't believe them was convinced there was a serious problem.

Fast forward 3 years and he's the best behaved kid you could imagine! I think he's suffered with parents judging him and certainly hasn't embedded himself in a friendship group but he's happy and popular. Your boy will get through this but unfortunately there isn't much you can do except support the teacher and talk to him.

I used to sit him down with a pen and paper and draw the school & yard with him hitting jonny then jonny crying then little bob watching etc and point to bob and say what do you think he's thinking etc? I'd then get another sheet and draw what would of happened if he'd walked away and told the teacher. Oh look happy DS, happy teacher, happy jonny, happy bob, happy mummy.

I tried to roll play it with teddies but he started making them boosh each other! Cringe.

Keep the faith - it will pass.

He's feeling guilty so he knows it's wrong, so don't worry he's not going to turn out to be a monster!

If counting does appeal there are other things he can do, walking away is a good one.

Just remind him he's loved, not a bad boy, and this can be sorted out.

Today was event free. My god the relief. Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

How's it going now?

Teacher said he's been fine the past two days. Although I'm not sure she's telling the whole truth because he told me that the teacher told him to count to 10 to calm down.

I'm feeling a lot more relaxed now though so that's good. Every so often I just go through what he should do if he's angry/ shy/doesn't want to play. I'm positive he'll start to love it there soon.

Thanks for asking!

Sounds like he's doing great! They all get frustrated so the countdown is something they tend to do in reception and even in years 1 and 2. If he had physically hurt anyone she would have a duty to tell you!
Really pleased for you, our reception year was full of fights which were from both sides not just towards or from my kids so it was constant stress!!

So I had a meeting at the school today and I'm much happier.

They are arranging it so he goes on something called Fun Time, basically taking a small group off to do balloons, balls n make friends etc, she said if they take both boys they'll be able to reconnect.

She's also arranging the behaviour lady to help him with confidence etc and they will give him and a friend reward time for having a good morning/afternoon.

I also mentioned how he uses a chair to go to for calming down if angry, shy, scared etc n that using a thinking chair for poor behaviour, when he sees it as a safe space might be detrimental, so they won't use the time out chair.

Feel far more relieved about it now... I just hope he starts enjoying it cos he's the type to love school.

Aw the reception year is so hard. One little boy in reception was like this (my ds was on the receiving end). It was tough for everyone. I always made sure I said hello to the boy in the morning and smiled at his mum etc so she would know that there were no hard feelings. She apologised to me once and I told her not to worry and that we should just let the school deal with it. She was so grateful. Now the boys have just started year 1 and they are good friends. Not best buddies but ok. My son eventually got fed up towards the end of reception and told the boy "it hurts, if you hit me again I'll hurt you back". I was there and the other little boy looked genuinely upset and worried about being hit back. I think it might have finally clicked that what he did upset ds and there has been no problems since (apart from usual playground stuff).

The first term in reception is really hard. He will soon settle and the school seem to deal with it brilliantly.