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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

9 year old boy won't go in to school

26 replies

aussiemumof3 · 06/09/2017 13:53

I have a 9 year old DS who refuses to go into school. He is ok once he's in but says everyday that he hates school, it's boring. I have read one of the info pages on this site about this and he doesn't fit into any of the categories. It's not separation anxiety, bullying, educationally he's smart but not a genius (hence bored). He is excited by learning in other ways, he codes, does My Maths happily, reads avidly. He won't go in and stay in. He runs out/sneaks out/tries to climb out at drop off time but will be 'fine' for the rest of the day. Any suggestions welcome.

OP posts:

user789653241 · 06/09/2017 22:06

Are you sure there isn't any issue like mild bullying /teasing/playground trouble,etc?

Witchend · 06/09/2017 22:56

My ds is 10yo and similar, except once he's in he doesn't come out.
He just basically would prefer to be home.

Original poster

aussiemumof3 · 06/09/2017 22:58

There were friendship issues last year which helped to sour the school experience some more. The issues were somewhat resolved when a very manipulative boy left during the year. It's a very small village school, he has a cohort of only 6 boys. It is intense and I know he does better in a larger school but I don't want to move him.

OP posts:

Crazycatsandkids · 06/09/2017 23:17

Why won't you move him when he's clearly quite unhappy??

Crazycatsandkids · 06/09/2017 23:17

Six boys in his entire class sounds awful!

cestlavielife · 06/09/2017 23:19

If you know he does better in a larger school then he needs to move to a larger school.
Simple.

user789653241 · 06/09/2017 23:24

Why don't you want to move him?
I agree that only 6 boys in a year group seems very intense. I don't think my ds would survive that.
If he is bored, he isn't challenged, so school cannot be good to stay for academic reason. If he isn't happy, that's even more bigger reason to consider moving if possible,imo.

Crumbs1 · 07/09/2017 00:04

Have you spoken to the teacher? Maybe you could hand him over personally to their care to avoid misbehaviour at the start of day. He could be settled to some work before others arrived. Just because he says he's bored doesn't mean he actually is - might just not like having to do as he's told or might be finding some of the work a bit challenging.

Ttbb · 07/09/2017 00:28

Just move him to a different school?

Out2pasture · 07/09/2017 03:53

"I know he does better in a larger school but I don't want to move him"
explain please?

Westcott313 · 07/09/2017 11:24

You may not be in a position to do this but it seems like he'd love being home educated.

Original poster

aussiemumof3 · 07/09/2017 13:24

I am reluctant to move him.

I worry that the intensity is not the main problem. If he is bored by school and the curriculum which is very maths and English heavy, 2 years of very little science, geography and ICT. Will this be the same in another school? Are we swapping one school for a different bunch of problems in a different school? What if that's worse?

We moved back from Australia 2 years ago. All of the village schools around us are not much bigger. Our nearest big schools are in the town 10 miles away, places are difficult to come by, maybe not impossible.

I have two older children in secondary school, one of whom has Aspergers.

OP posts:

user789653241 · 07/09/2017 13:44

What does he wants to do? Does he dislike this school, or he just dislike any school? Why is he so bored? Have you spoken to school about this?
What other school do curriculum wise, you wouldn't know unless you check it out.

Original poster

aussiemumof3 · 07/09/2017 14:52

I could hand him over to his teacher. As a year 5 he might find this embarrassing and will agree to go in without fuss instead or it might be the thing he needs to get over the line and is happy for that to happen, is worth a go. Thanks.

The bigger picture of whether he should stay or not... I know in a paragraph it sounds cut and dried to just move him. Sounds simple. My husband is a contractor, he changes job all the time. What is the point, where the risks are worth the change. Am I teaching him that if you don't like something you do something about it, or if you don't like something you cut and run, not find a way to manage what doesn't suit you? The grass is not always greener. We can hop around, and people do, trying to find the perfect school/house/country/job. Pretty rare to find perfect but I also understand that I don't have long to get this right. It would be obvious if the school don't listen/are unhelpful and/or he's being bullied to move school.

OP posts:

user789653241 · 07/09/2017 15:30

My ds is 9, and just started yr5 too. And he is very able, and may not be challenged enough at school but never bored. He couldn't wait for school to start, and bounce to school every morning, because he loves school and friends. What is the big difference here?

Crazycatsandkids · 07/09/2017 17:38

I don't see how that above post is helpful. How will the OP know what the difference is?

Goldmandra · 07/09/2017 17:47

If he has a sibling with AS, you need to look very carefully into whether he has similar difficulties.

When my DD1 was diagnosed I felt very reassured by the fact that my DD2 was different from her in so many ways. I was wrong to be reassured. It turned out that she also has AS but it presents in a different way.

I would spend some time doing an quiet activity together, shoulder to shoulder to remove the need for eye-contact and talk through exactly how he feels at different times of the school day.

Think about sensory processing in terms of unexpected touches, bright lights, smells, loud, busy classrooms.

Also the social environment. Is he coping but working very hard in order to do so? What strategies is he using to fit it?

Is he struggling with executive function, e.g. planning complex tasks, following list of instructions.

Does he have problems with central coherence, perhaps knowing which information to include in what he is writing, even though he understands it all?

He may look and behave fine in school, but is he masking?

user789653241 · 07/09/2017 18:21

Sorry, my post was unclear. What i wanted to say is that difference is the school. Different children. different environment, etc.
And my ds has asd traits, he is very nerdy and quirky, struggles socially, but managed to find group of friends in 3 form entry school. He wouldn't have survived in tiny school, imo.

Crazycatsandkids · 07/09/2017 22:19

Sorry I misunderstood the tone
I agree with you as mine wouldn't have faired well in a small school either.
I thought a one class entry of 30 was pretty small but 6 boys sounds very intense and hard.

Witchend · 08/09/2017 11:05

irvineoneohone I saw what you're getting at, but it isn't necessarily correct.

Ds has a nice group of friends he enjoys seeing, he is challenged at school but doesn't struggle, likes his teacher. But actually would prefer to stay at home at any one day. I suspect if you gave him a choice he'd always think he might go to school tomorrow, but today he'd rather be at home.
Dd1 who has struggled at times socially would never dream of staying off school even if ill.

It isn't as simple as you're implying, I'm afraid.

Original poster

aussiemumof3 · 08/09/2017 11:52

I think that's s good way of putting it...my DS is challenged but doesn't struggle. The exception is his handwriting which slows him down however his teacher last year allowed him to do creative writing tasks on the computer where his imagination is not encumbered by this.

Goldmandra I would be lying if I said we did not watch DS2 carefully, looking for ASD traits and flags. I'm confident that he's typical. I like your idea of sitting and talking through how he feels at different times of the day though. That would be something we have used with DS1 over the years to find the pressure points and put in strategies. The other issues you highlighted I'm confident are fine except central coherence maybe. He is a confident, determined, independent, social kid but I do take your point about traits presenting in different ways.

OP posts:

user789653241 · 08/09/2017 12:59

Ok, sorry, Witchend.

I never disliked school, and ds is exactly the same, so maybe my view is skewed. Though he does occasionally says he wants to be home schooled(actually he said it this morning, but still bounced out when his friends knocked on the door. ), but I don't want to, and I think he will refuse if I say I would. He is a very complicated child.

Sirrah · 08/09/2017 13:43

I'm surprised the teacher isn't doing more to find out why he doesn't want to be in school. Does he/she know that you are struggling to get him into school? A simple mood chart might help to work out where the problems are, whether it's during breaks or in particular lessons, that would be a start!

Original poster

aussiemumof3 · 11/09/2017 12:03

His teacher last year did make an effort to get to the bottom of the problem. DS told her 6 hours was too long to be at school and he missed me. We worked on some strategies together with some success. Thing is he's such an independent boy and had no problem going in to school when he used to go to breakfast club. There's no club anymore.

He has a new teacher this year. Start again.

OP posts:

MilkRunningOutAgain · 12/09/2017 16:43

My DS is now 14, but was bored at primary nearly all the time, except for anything PE related. He may have ASD traits. He has never bothered much with friends and this does not concern him. He was so bored he was unhappy at times but I didn't move him. I felt it was him, not the school, & that the curriculum would be just as boring at another school. He is enjoying secondary more, though school will never be his favourite place. His younger sister really enjoyed KS2 at the same school, with several of the same teachers, which helps validate keeping him there.

I'm afraid I never found a way to reduce his boredom in school, but I do take him to lots of sports clubs/ competitions so he gets to enjoy himself regularly outside school, I think it's important to enjoy yourself regularly.

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