My child is being unkind to another child in his class and I need some advice on how to handle the situation...

[Neptune]

Have name changed (I hope) just in case the other mother posts on here!

My son is in reception. He's regarded by his teachers (and other children) as a kind and helpful boy and is no trouble in class.

There is another boy in his class who has several health problems (not behavioural). His mother, who is lovely, is quite naturally protective of him and I would say, appears anxious about her son at school. Because of this, she arranges lots of play dates and goes out of her way to make sure her son has children to play with.

However, this child is very bossy and when children go round to play, they are not left to their own devices, the mother very much 'sets up' the play and 'guides' what goes on and is involved in every way.

Now, my son doesn't like this. He doesn't like being bossed around at all and although he sometimes enjoys playing with this child, he doesn't like the whole 'staged' nature of it. Today in the queue to get into school, this child came and stood next to him. Both children were fine and then the mother came over and started announcing (to her child) how fantastic it was that he was standing next to X (my child), 'isn't it wonderful that you can be with X' etc. etc. and my son got up and moved away . I was mortified and asked him what was going on but he hid his head in his hands and refused to come back. She then asked my son whether he would like to come round to play and he said he didn't want to.

She was so upset I could see tears in her eyes and her son asked why X wouldn't stand next to him .

Now, I can see why my child is backing away from this but I feel I should say something to the mother because she's obviously hurt and I know she's worried about her son because he's been getting a hard time in the playground but what do I say without offending her more? And should I be speaking to my child and asking him to consider this child's feelings a bit more? I don't think he meant to be hurtful but the fact of the matter is that he has ended up hurting his feelings.

I'm just going to bump this as it took me so long to type, by the time it posted, it had almost fallen off the board!

could you invite this other child over to yours for a play date and try and get them to engage with each other on their own terms?

I can but she insists on coming too which then means it doesn't work iyswim

The mother of the other boy will have to learn that she cannot stage manage her son's friendships.
Your son did nothing wrong - it seems like he probably felt embarrassed by the other mother making a big deal out of the situation, so he removed himself from it.
I think he behaved really well - moving away was far preferable to saying something unkind, or hitting out.
Maybe you could speak to your son and ask him if he would like to have this child round to play. If not, don't push it.
As long as he is not unkind to the other child, he shouldn't be made to feel guilty about not wanting to play with him.
I can understand how upsetting the other mother finds the fact that her son is having difficulties in finding a group of friends, but YR children don't usually have best friends, and often fall in and out of friendships.
You shouldn't feel guilty, and nor should your son.

if this child didnt have any health problems, would it be so much of an issue?

IMO it would only be 2 boys who dont get on and therefore will never really be friends

it sounds like your son just doesnt like this other child, nothing to do with his health problems

its difficult thinking up what you could say to the other mother
she sounds far too overprotective anyway

and i agree with humphreycushion that your son dealt with the situation well

thanks humphrey (and saadia) - you know I do feel very guilty, I think mainly because I know how worried she has been about him. My son was embarrassed - he is quite shy and doesn't like being made a fuss of.

I'll speak to him after school today and see what he says.

in the thread title you say your child is being unkind to another child - please dont think that

It is upsetting to see your child be unkind and vice versa. When dd was in Reception there was 1 girl who would blow hot and cold from day to day. Dd would be in tears on the mornings this girl ignored her. I used to analyse it all and now I just take it with a pinch of salt as it usually rights itself by Registration I do tell my children to consider others feelings and to include everyone in their games. I have had to tell dd (6 yo) exactly this this morning as she didn't want someone to play . However I think forcing friendships doesn't work. Perhaps ask your son after school if he wants to go to this boys house - he may have changed his mind. I would just make light of it with the mother though for the moment and see how it goes.

thanks naily - yes she is overprotective (but I can see why this has developed) and actually, I think her son would be perfectly fine without her interfering but I can see she's finding it hard to let go.

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I agree that you son did nothing wrong and handled it well. I remember HAVING togo and play with someone when I wa 5 yo - over protective mother. I hated it. We became great friends in our teens though funnily enough when she rebelled against it .

it just looked so awful - I am a complete non meddler in my children's social lives - I've always let them pick and choose their friends but I hate the thought of either of mine hurting someone else's feelings.

I don't think ds meant to be hurtful but it came across as being unkind.

But you are right, I don't think there was intention on his part at all and I shouldn't see it like that - thanks for pointing that out - sometimes it's hard to get it in perspective!

Neptune - I had a similar situation. I tried to force my son to 'like' the son of a friend of mine who had real social problems at school and I felt sorry for him. Didn't work. I think I had picked the one child in the class that DS simply didn't get on with. They actually ended up coming to blows on one play date . Much as I symathised with the mother we had to call a halt. Which was awful as she was so grateful when we did ask him round to play as no-one else did. Now, 5 years down the line, they get on OK - not great mates but OK. Forcing the issue won't help.

Or could you perhaps level with her and suggest that they might get on OK in your house without constant supervision and management. Worth a try at least.

i think what i would do is

say hi later and say something like 'aren't they all ready for their easter break... getting tired and grouchy...what are you planning etc .... do you think xx would like to come round sometime?'

and then if she is keen, when the time comes, say something like 'why don't you drop him off at 3 or i'll collect them from school' etc

• if she wavers, you could say, 'i'm sure they'll be fine - i'll call if not, i guess they will just play for half an hour, then have tea' so she knows what they are up to and reassures her

i think your ds sounds just fine and they will be better when one to one, and not 'on show'

anyway, up to you, sounds like you will handle it very kindly

ooh newgirl thats a great idea

say upfront "why odnt you drop him off and collect him later" stating what you have planned (even if you wont be supervising )

it might be good for her (other mother)

I do think your boy actually behaved, from the sound of it, really well. (There was a brief phase when my sister was being bullied into playing by the little girl opposite - she'd turn up and ask if my sis could play, and my parents would politely let her in even though they knew my sister didn't like her and didn't want to play with her. I do hope the Inferiorettes take the risk of being rude if I ever inflict something like that on them!)

I would opt for the Oh They Are So Exhausted Aren't They line. Works wonders

Thanks everyone - I do feel better about it all now.

I'll probably bump into her later at school and will try and use that strategy.