DS2, yr 1, failing to 'click' with any others boys in class- Good time to move schools?

[miljee]

Ds2 is 5 and young for his age. He doesn't mind school in that I don't have to force him to go. There are 20 kids in the class, with 11 boys. I guess they've been remarkably 'non-cliquey' to date but I'm becoming increasingly aware that DS hasn't really gelled into any particular friendship. He only gets invited to the parties MY mum-friends' Dss hold ie he's there on my account, not his own; bits of paper are flying around arranging team elite for Easter, or Beavers pick-up, or swimming club but DS is never included. I know I can 'just go along' anyway with him BUT it points to the fact the other boys are getting it together and the parents are beginning to arrange things together for the boys but DS isn't 'in the gang'. We've had several boys home for tea, mostly 'successfully' though I must say the 'draw' for the boys is DS1 who's 7. None of the other boys in the class have an older brother! Now, I know you can only do so much towards helping your child form proper friendships (and we've done it!) but I can foresee a time in the not too far distant future when DS2 becomes aware that he's being excluded and that'll hurt. Myself I'm friendly enough with a lot of the mums- we do coffee etc but to me it highlights the 'exclusion' of DS2, pointing to his lack of social acumen. He just doesn't figure in the other boys thoughts when they pester mum to make sure friend A goes to the same football training/swimming club etc.

We rent. We can and probably will move (we're 'non-catchment' now). DS1 is at the attached juniors which have just started composite (Yr3/4, 5/6) classes which I'm not 100% happy about. DS1 has a couple of good friends in school but neither of their families are particularly forthcoming.

My question: In my position would you say sod it and move the family now on the 'not a lot to lose' basis? How many of you have moved a child like DS2 and discovered that they've found their feet at a smaller/different school? Or do you really just transfer 'the problem' from one school to another?

5 is still very young for boys to be forming lasting friendship groups - this doesn't appear to happen till at least y1/y2 with boys...maybe he just likes his own company and doesn't feel the need for a best friend? Does he seem happy in general? I would say carry on inviting kids round as this "ups" his profile amongst the parents and makes it harder for him to be overlooked for parties etc. Also, when he's ready to make lasting friends you'll have given him a good basis for selecting his mates and knowing how to behave in their company as he's used to having them over to play..Don't know about the changing schools issue, I think you need to decide what the priority is for your family - house or school?- then look at other schools if appropriate and trust your gut instinct...

I personally think - all other family issues being equal - that staying is likely to be less of a risk than moving. Of course lots of children cope fine with moving schools when needs must, but it can be unsettling - I think I'm right in saying that keeping the number of changes of nursery/pre-school/school environments to a miniumum is important?...alowing them to form lasting attachments at their own pace.

I think you should give it time and stay put - I really strongly feel this.

If you want to move for other reasons, fair enough, but to uproot both sons from their present home and school on account of the friendship issue is not a good idea. You don't say there is bullying or serious exclusion as there is a general welcome for you and your son.

I know you want your son to have friends - of course you do, but he is still so young. IME (I have two sons aged 7 and nearly 13) it's not till year 2 or later that friendships start being formed and even then there is no guarantee that the friendships will last. So many family move away, kids leave school, other kids join. Group dynamics in the classroom change.

I think you should work on socialising outside school - get your sons to join activities that are interest based away from their classmates. And if you don't do this already, get them to playgrounds to have fun and interact with other children. Not all friendships have to be of the regular playdate kind IMO. The fleeting but intense friendship of an new freind they meet for a single afternoon in the park can be just as good and helps build social confidence, IME.

You don't want to send the message to your sons that school is a popularity contest - I am not saying you are, but I think there is a risk of this if you change schools.

I so appreciate what you've all written! Many thanks, you've helped me get some perspective on this- you know how mums can get when we feel our poor wee mite isn't being appreciated for the wonderful human being he is! No, there really aren't any bullying issues and yes, DS does go happily enough into school though I get a bit upset watching him in the pre schoolday playground, sometimes, when he's trying to engage another boy in something and is effectively being ignored. His teacher says he IS part of the group but he himself doesn't yet understand or appreciate that fact.

I'm also aware that the 'problem' lies, very largely with him and his maturity not with the school, but we hope we can just get it all to line up in a new school, a new setting and voila! Eternal happiness.

Completely agree with cat64 re parental convenience. I'd also add that at this age, it seems to be more about whose parents are friendly with each other - my children very rarely ask to have anyone back for tea, it's usually me thinking "gosh, we haven't had anyone back for ages" and grabbing a Mum in the playground to arrange a date IYKWIM.

It's not a good enough reason to move IMHO.

My son is 5 (reception) and i've been told just this week, that he doesn't have a special friend , just plays with anyone. But they do that until they get till about 6/7 so I wouldn't worry. I would echo the lift sharing thought. I drop off a little boy who lives on the road round the corner, after Beavers. It is convenience, or friendly mums who make life easier for themselves.

My ds is just 6 and in Yr1. He doesn't have a particular group of friends, just muddles along with most of the boys. The mums, on the other hand, are formed into groups and thier children do tend to see each other a bit more. This is fine until the kids fall out, as happens every few months.

I would accept what the teacher has said. I also second what another poster said and try to expand his horizons beyond his school mates. There must be activities they don't do which could make him other frineds.

my 7yo son joined a boys street dance class in a different area of town, and came out happy as larry he had new friends. Loads of little boys there -6/7/8. must be the 'cool' thing to do!

I agree with other posters

also if the teacher says he is part of the group, then trust her/him

there is one 5 year old boy in my dd's class who we all like - but I don't think he has a 'best friend' - but he is liked by all, and sometimes plays with the girls too who adore him

a good friend of mine moved her dd when 5 and she lost even more confidence - it was not the right move at all - she moved from a busy city primary to a cute village primary but actually, it wasn't the chocoloate box existence they thought - some of the kids had known each other from babyhood and it was tricky to get to know them for ages - lots of invites etc helped in the end