Hi I just wondered how your school would deal with this sort of thing and any advice from other mums or any teachers would be appreciated.
My dd is just recently 6 and in year 1 and unfortunately became part of a three's a crowd friendship this year. There always seems to be two of them leaving the other one out or saying things to them like we're not playing with you, you're not our friend - literally taking it in turns to exclude one member. The thing is one of the girls lets call her A (and the others B and C!) is the queen bee and she always excludes, is never excluded. She either teams up with my dd B and they exclude the other girl C, or A teams up with C and they exclude my dd B, if that makes sense!
It's been going on at a low level all year, the minute one of the two girls don't do what A wants she seems to have the power to get B or C to do what she wants and to exclude each other. Recently it's ramped up, first A and my dd were in trouble for saying things to upset the other girl, her mum had complained to the teacher and she banned A and my dd from playing together, sitting together, lining up etc as a sanction.
Now my dd is coming home upset every day telling me A and C are still allowed to play together so they've buddied up, and now C is saying things to my dd every day like we don't like you, you're fat etc (she's not she's average but the other two are very slim). She's got other friends to play with and I've told her to just stay out of the way of A and C which she's trying to but it's not easy when they're in the same class and all in the same playground.
Their teacher said that because dd and A had upset C the other week they were banned from playing together for the rest of the term, but if C wanted to play with either one of them she could and it was up to her to choose. A is the queen bee leader type so C chooses to be her friend, that means dd can now not play with either of them, luckily she has other friends and I want her to branch out and not be stuck in this strange threesome friendship anymore, but I think maybe the teacher could have made things fairer if she'd said all three of them could not play together or be together for the rest of the term? My dd feels it's unfair the others can still be friends as C was upset last so she gets to "choose" who she plays with from the other two, especially as C is now saying things to upset dd so she's now in that position again.
At home we are constantly working on how to have good friendships with books, role play, talking together about what makes a good friend as opposed to behaviour that is not being a good friend and bullying. I don't know what else to do as I asked the teacher and she said she didn't have any suggestions but they keep reminding them at school to be kind to others, what else can I do at home? Any resources anyone can recommend? My friend says at their school they have circle time discussing these sorts of issues in class, and even a teacher meeting with the children involved when someone is upset by others and working through things together at break, our school doesn't have anything like this they get cards for behaviour and then the parents are told.
Very interested in how your school would deal with this kind of thing? Is there anything more they can do? They don't split the class up for year 2 it doesn't change again til year 3 now so we potentially have another year of this! It's this low level catty behaviour and constant comments, I've recently tried the "words are not for hurting" book but it hasn't helped, also I can only try to change what dd says I can't do anything about the other two girls can I? Do other girls this age at other schools say these kinds of things and get in trouble? I've heard so many of the 15 girls in their class say these things to each other at school, parties, play dates etc and it's been going on since reception. Is it considered an age / phase thing but then when do they learn to stop? How do we help and teach them?