Should I move schools for DS7 with no friends?

[snowpo]

DS is 7 in year 3. Late August born so about as young as he can be for the year. He can be quite attention seeking in an awkward way which I can see would put other kids off.

He has over the last couple of years said he has no friends and no-one really likes him. He does join in with games but he always seems to get the rubbish roles/positions that no-one else wants and this is why he thinks they 'let' him play.
From what he says he plays with the girls more than the boys but I thinks this is probably because he doesn't fit with the boys and the kinder girls will let him join in.
We had classmates over to play when he was in Y1/2 but only one ever invited him back and I suspect this was out of 'duty'. He is quite aware of this and it upsets him.

He often says he wishes he had friends like DD. She had a friend over last week and DS was trying to join in but got in an argument with DD about 'hogging' her friend. DS ran off in tears saying he wished he had a friend and he 'feels like dust', 'no-one likes me'

This morning after another argument with DD he said it would be better if he wasn't alive. He said no-one at school would notice if he wasn't there.

He has a few friends outside school and goes to Beavers but is reluctant to join any other clubs.

He is also having issues with Maths at school where the teacher does not seem to acknowledge his lack of understanding. We are trying to help with this but currently it adds to his reluctance to go to school.

He says he hates school but will go without too much fuss.

I am wondering if we should look at other school for him. I kind of think it can't really be worse than it is now for him and maybe he would fit in better somewhere else. But obviously he could hit the same issues at a new school and have the added problems of trying to settle in.

Any thoughts, has anyone changed schools for lack of friends?

Your poor, poor son. Mine was similar, his two friends moved schools and he was do lonely. We looked at another school but decided to stay as we had to take into account his younger brother who was enjoying school. He is ok now but could be happier. I do wonder if we should have or should still move schools.

I feel for him and for you. One of my DCs was similar - August born, when age five he was immature, underachieving, played with girls and some of the gentler soppier boys, but generally didn't seem to fit in and was unhappy. I didn't like the teaching at this sch either as it seemed to favour the more mature girls.

It was drastic, but we moved him, having first visited five alternative schools and selecting one what seemed to be a good fit in terms of the type of child in the class and the teaching style. It was an excellent decision and despite a 30 minute drive each morning, he absolutely loved it from the beginning. Within a few weeks we actually had a different child. He's now doing A levels and is confident and achieving. I can't guarantee what would happen in your case, but for us it was the right thing to do.

I don't know whether you should move him but i do think you should seriously consider moving him. See which schools have places, visit then, ask questions etc. Without telling him at this point.

Yes, absolutely. What's the worst that could happen? He's already unhappy.

• 'selecting one THAT, not what'... autocorrect!

I would be visiting other schools with spaces and looking at options. Sounds like staying put will just get worse and worse; especially if its a one form entry school and he cant move classes or anything. He sounds totally miserable and you need to look after his mental health.

We moved DS8 (unfortunately DD6 as well although she was quite happy) to a different school. There were a lot of reasons but mostly he didn't have friends among boys. To be fair there were not many boys. His best friend is a girl and he is still friends with her after the move.
I can't say he is Mr popular now but in his current class there are many boys and although some of them are much more mature than him there are some he can relate better to. He is much happier, gets invited to birthdays and play dates (we had so many tears before why his sister is always invited and he never is.. )
Overall best decision, just wish I have done it sooner rather than waiting and hoping for things to improve.

I think you need to help him more. You have a child over at least once a week. Make it fun and keep their play non confrontational. Provide and run activities if your child does not find collaborative play easy.

Take friends out for the day. Work on your child's social skills - role play etc. Read up about resilience and try to foster it in your son.

Moving school is just moving the problem. The maths teacher will change in September and if they don't you need to go in and dirt the problem out together. This is going to take more effort in your behalf and make sure you acknowledge his feelings but don't let them become overwhelming. Stay positive.

Your daughters friends are hers. He shouldn't try to monopolise them. Fine to join in but they are not there to see your son.

I speak from experience It was bloody hard work and I really resented the lack of return invites but it worked and he was accepted by his class. If he plays with the girls more, that is not an issues. Invite a selection of kids back but no bullies or any who have been unpleasant to him.

Good luck

I had exactly the same situation with my August born dd. She did eventually make one good friend and was happy. She is now again struggling with making friends at senior school. I would say moving schools is just moving the problem. Also it can be difficult, even for a child with great social skills, to break into existing friendship groups.

I don't agree with pp that you can make friends on your child's behalf through an intensive campaign of play dates. You just end up exhausted with no return invitations. However teaching resilience is a good thing and you could try to help him with social skills.

Activities outside school can help, especially if there are dc from different schools. He can maybe make a friend through enjoyment of a shared activity.

Does he play football? My observation is that the boys all played football at breaks and if you didn't you were left out. One boy solved this issue by having a girl as his best friend.

You have my sympathy as I know this is very difficult.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

QGMum no he doesn't like football but they are only allowed to play football once a week at playtime. It is all the 'cool' boys who are the football group though who he wants desperately to be friends with.

I had a bit of an insight on Monday, went on a school trip. For most of the trip DS seemed happy and chatting away with his partner. At lunchtime he tried to push himself onto the group he wants to be friends with. They aren't mean or anything, just seem to find him annoying and ignore him. I asked him afterwards about playing with the other boys and he said they either play babyish games or do naughty things which he doesn't want to do.

It's difficult because he doesn't seem unhappy all the time and he does seem to get on with the other children from talking to the teachers and watching him. I think playtime is the big problem.

Last night we had more tears in bed. He said he was so far away from miserable (in a bad way) that miserable was a dot and if it got any worse he would not be 'DS name' any more. It's awful to hear him speak like that. I am concerned about his mental health if it continues to be like this.

I have started looking at other schools so we'll see how that goes.

How very upsetting for you all. It was good that you were able to observe him on the school trip. Nobody is being horrible to him. He just hasn't found friends he clicks with yet.

He is very articulate when expressing how he is feeling - it is good that he is able to talk to you about it.

I don't know if you should move schools. It's so difficult to know what to do for the best. Will the problem come with him? I think in your shoes I would look at other schools and see if any feel right. He does sound terribly unhappy poor thing.

Following this...my dd is in similar position. X

Definitely move him. This was me at that age and I had a terrible time all the way through high school. I often wonder if things could have been different if I'd have moved schools. (I went from pretty confident in middle school with a good group of friends, to feeling completely invisible and unwanted at high school).

The brain is still developing at that age, so your idea of yourself and how you fit into the world is shaped on your high school experiences. He'll have to do a heck of a lot of work to change that mindset once he leaves school if he stays in a situation like that. I have had lifelong confidence issues that were shaped by those years and learning to believe in myself, hold a conversation and make friends was a whole new world for me when I left school.

He's really lucky to have a mum like you! Mine weren't about and just didn't notice that anything was wrong.

Is he any good at football? Could he become good at it if he practised and went to a club? It shouldn't be this way, but being a good footballer is the easiest way for boys to get accepted into a group of friends, particularly at break times

Interesting thought re football and sadly true in many ways, Often boys bond over footy. The sad thing is that summer born boys are often a year behind boys that started playing from young age so it can be hard to catch up. Its well documented. If he likes footy, there may be summer camps to help him catch up?