My daughters friends don't like one of her other friends

[mandyd001]

My daughter and her friend (both 12 in Yr 7) have come home asking advice. Their group of friends don't like or want to play with one of their other friends (who can be annoying). If they keep playing with this girl then they will lose their other friends. (this happened in Primary school when my daughter supported this girl). What this will mean is that my daughter will be alienated and not have a bigger group to belong to. I know the right answer and so does my daughter thus the dilemma she is in. But is that the best for my daughter and her future? High school is really hard as it is. What should I tell her? What should she do?

One thing I learnt in school (through painful trial and error) is never to let others decide who i was allowed to be friends with. Not all my friends got on, so sometimes I'd spend time with one group, some another but anybody who wouldn't be friends with me if i liked x or sometimes hung out with y always ended up being a complete cow and best avoided anyway.

That said, I think it may be something you have to learn for yourself.

The best thing for her future is not to go down the path of being dominated by others. Once you start doing that it gets harder and harder to break away. Otoh teens often admire someone who stands up against them.

Why did your dd support her in primary? Is it because she liked her? Is it because she was against bullying?

I think it all depend on how she think of this girl. Does this girl deserve to be alienated? Why, if so.

Does it worth your dd to support this girl?
If this girl is alienated without real reason, and your dd thinks her as a real friend, I would tell your dd to stand up for her. True friendship is better than fake ones.
But if this girl is horrible to others and deserve to be alienated, and your dd is only caring for her out of goodness of her heart(but still thinks she isn't nice.), then I would tell her to stay away.

Thanks irvineoneohone, your advice was really helpful. Whilst this other girl is not a horrid mean girl she is an exhausting friendship to have and is someone that you would never know whether they would support you when it counted.

@corythatwas, I hear what you are saying and this is the dilemma because this is what I have taught my daughter and she knows this is the correct advice to give in a perfect world. But unfortunately things aren't perfect and with the stresses of everything else going on in their lives they just want a smooth (ish) sailing friendship life at school without standing out and possibly being alienated. Thanks for you advice though.

@BarbarianMum, yes I can see what you are saying. The ones putting the pressure on are not nice girls to hang out with anyway.