Desperate for help with 11yr old breakdown with school

[CosmicEgg]

I've joined this site in a desperate attempt to get some advice. My son only has a few weeks left of yr 6 but the relationship between himself and the school has totally broken down. I've just been told that he's heading for a second suspension in a few weeks. Generally disruptive ie silly noises in class speaking with he shouldn't refusing to to things. Just to give you background I was on the Governing body up until a couple of years ago and so know the school from a different angle as well as being a parent. I put a complaint into the school governors because I felt they were failing him ie he left year five with illegible handwriting so I had to hire and pay for a handwriting tutor during the summer to sort this out. Also inapprppriate commrnts ftom the head insisting that huz behavour was out of school as well as in school. I have always majntened that hix behavour is obly at school. He denied his comments to the governors amd I cant prove it. His behaviour has gradually worsened through his school years to this point. I have an independent Occupational Health advisor assessing him from sensory disorders and a private maths tutor on a regular basis. He was assessed for adhd in year 4 but the Ed Psych said that he suffered from low self esteem in the school environment. My son has also been tested for Dyslexia but came up as a 15 year old for part of it and in the normal range generally. The school say there's nothing more they can do to support him and my son is in melt down and hates the school. They keep a micro manged book on him writing in it his every move even if he goes to the toilet. I just feel like it's dripping tap torcher for me as it doesn't matter what carrot or stick or even just good old fashioned love and support I give to my son he just can't seem to help himself. I am in touch with the senior school he will go to and they are being very supportive. But still there are a few weeks yet to go. Any advice I'd bd very grateful for. Oh and just to mention I have tried other schools know the area but they are over subscribed. Thanks for your time

From what you have written you have had your son tested for various conditions and due to lack of diagnosis are now blaming the school. You need to possibly accept that your son also needs to accept some responsibility for his behaviour. I can imagine they are keeping a note of all behaviour so that they have an accurate account if needed.
None of the above helps you I know but what I'm trying to say is that you, the school and your son need to work together. If his behaviour is fine at home what are the triggers at school that he doesn't get at home? Is he ever asked to do things he doesn't want to do at home and therefore when asked at school he makes the wrong choices? Schools do not exclude children lightly and there are procedures that must be followed so his behaviour must be challenging. Spending time in the next few weeks being honest and really looking at the situation will be well spent as you can use this to help his transition. When he moves to secondary you and your son want it to be a positive start. But he needs to see that whilst you love him unconditionally you also support the school. Getting cross about handwriting when the school are struggling to possibly get through a day without an incident with him seems petty - sorry.
Good luck.

Tell him to stop being disruptive, stop making silly noises in class, not to speak when he shouldn't be talking and not to refuse to do what is requested.

Thanks for your incredibly thought provoking advice I just might try that!

Is there a reason why you haven't moved his school or decided to homeschool him until September?

But you seem to be blaming the school, not your child. You have ruled out adhd and dyslexia ( and even these are not an excuse for his behaviours) and have "he just can't seem to help himself" as a defense. Well, if these behaviours only exhibit themselves at school and not at home then he certainly can! I'm sorry if this sounds unsympathetic, it's certainly not meant to be, I have experience of my own child being excluded for poor behaviour on several occasions ( he has Asperger's) but he was still choosing to behave in this way.
If changing schools or homeschooling isn't an option, if there is no medical reason for his behaviour, if the school has reached the point of exclusion for a second time, then you have to deal with what you have. This means no excuses, he is choosing to behave in this way and needs to realise that he can't. You have to support the school ( obviously from the information you have given, we have no idea of the broader picture) and work with them. Again, we have no idea what strategies you have already tried, perhaps if you can give an idea of what these are, we can suggest some others that might work too! ( Logic was the only way with my son, threats and treats had no effect whatsoever!)

Just read your post again about having tried other schools. Is home ed an option?

What would you like the school to do? They have explored ASHD and Dyslexia. Has he had his vision and hearing checked?

Do you have other kids OP? Do they struggle at school? How are their behaviour at home? Most children I know are better at school than at home. Do you think that your son misbehaves at school because he wants to be sent home?

His behaviour must be pretty bad for them to be heading towards a second exclusion. Primaries generally don't exclude lightly.

It's good you are communicating with the secondary school.
I think you need to accept that his behaviour is the issue and find a way to get to July. Home ed is an option? Could they try part time temporarily?

How are you approaching this with you son? Are you making it clear he is responsible for his own behaviour or does he think the situation is the schools fault?

Agree it's unusual for a child to be well behaved at home and disruptive to the point of exclusion at school. How is socially at at school?

I'm not sure why you are so focussed on the handwriting when the behaviour seems a far more pressing problem. I could be wrong and I might be being unfair but has he picked up on a "the school is rubbish" attitude from you and therefore doesn't see the need to respect what his teachers say and do as he is told?

I think at this point, it's not possible to put anything major in place before the end of the year. If you had been talking about a sudden blip in behaviour, it would be a different story but this seems to be more sustained.

Does your LEA have an SEMH (social emotional mental health) outreach team? If they do, they could come out to support the school.

I would look into being referred to camhs. Have you ruled out asd or pda (pathological demand avoidence) or similar conditions? Obviously these options take time and wouldn't be helping much in the next few weeks.

I would home school him to the end of term if you can.

Have you had him assessed for dyspraxia? (By an OT). That's my first thought from what you've written.

It seems a bit odd that you aren't talking about ways to control him or discipline him? Why can't he behave if he doesn't have any SEN then frankly he sounds like a naughty boy who is disrupting the school. Is he like this at home at all? How Is he if you tell him off ?

If there is no medical reason for his behaviour, then I don't see why he can't help himself. It looks as though he is making poor behaviour choices and that is what gets him into trouble.

Some children behave inappropriately to mask learning difficulties, but that doesn't seem to be the case with your son, so you have to draw the conclusion that he chooses to behave in a particular way at school. Or perhaps he is bored and not stretched enough.

Some things don't really add up. If he's an able boy, why does he need a maths tutor and has the handwriting issue not been flagged up before now. It seems very late in the day. I think you've tried all the potential diagnoses you can and may just have to accept that it's not going to work. Could you home ed until the end of term?

Ok. I am prepared to be flamed.

Your son is getting a lot of attention from you about his bad behaviour, he is / has been assessed for a variety of things, he has been tutored, there have been meetings about him at both schools he has been excluded etc etc. An ed psych suggested that he has low esteem, I wonder if your son has fallen into the role of naughty boy at school, it gets him a lot of attention, albeit negative from the school and other pupil, it means he gets away with poor behaviour , rudeness and attitude, all without much effort, it also , just as importantly gets him a lot of input and response from you.

You might well have missed the bus with the present school, there are only a few weeks left, but I think you should be working on his self esteem and view of himself as a learner, and I think one way is by making sure that the attention he gets from you is attention that is not based on him as a disruptive child.

Stop reinforcing the deficit attitude that he is dyslexic, dyspraxic,autistic or any other ic since he clearly is not, I think you have set a self fulfilling prophecy in place, and instead of contacting the senior school and flagging him up as a disruptive child you should be working on raising his self esteem, showing him that you can be proud of positive things in his life, developing a relationship that means he is trying to do the right things to win your approval rather than doing the wrong things to win your attention.

How is his behaviour outside school? have you ruled out all medical conditions? Noise and talking?; could it be tourette's syndrome.?

I would consider homeschooling for the rest of the year? it seems like the school has given up on him.