I have a 10 year old boy who, like lots of parents, I want to get in to a good secondary school and am willing to go private if necessary. He is a lovely boy – kind, funny, sporty, popular at school with his friends and the teachers. He has always had a tendency to set the bar high for himself on certain activities and then be very down on himself if he fails to reach those goals. I have been told by someone obsessed with education who ran an afterschool club, that he is bright and I should push him. I initially thought that if I was willing to go private I could just pay the fees and he would be in. I then realised that he would have to pass exams to get in, in huge competition with other boys, many of whom have been privately educated from day one. My son goes to a small faith-based primary school that was outstanding when he started but, with the arrival of a new headteacher, has declined from No 1 in SATS in our borough to third from the bottom. He is very happy there however. He has always had good reports in parents evening (including when it was outstanding) and in his latest a couple of weeks ago the teacher was singing his praises, saying how he loved to be challenged in his work and that if he can’t do something, he doesn’t panic but calmly applies himself until he can do it. She said he was at the very top of the middle set in maths but the next day she moved him in to the top set. Her feedback was amazing to me as it’s the opposite of what I experience at home when I try to get him to study. He is being tutored twice a week in English and Maths (two hours total) and they give good feedback too although he is expected to do a lot of work between tutor sessions. When I try to get him to this work however it is torturous and feels like its becoming toxic to our relationship. I get lots of groaning, sulky voice and half arsed attempts at his work. He also wants me to sit with him while he does it, where I end up spoon feeding him through the questions as he gives up as soon as something becomes difficult. I feel my anger increasing as this goes on and it usually ends up in a dispute. Me furious, him in tears and apologizing – and then it all happens again next time. On the advise of his tutor I gave him an 11+ sample paper a few weeks ago, just to see how he would do. He did badly, giving up on questions that, when we went through it together afterwards, he could easily do, and scrawling ‘I don’t know” at various points. All in all, in complete contrast to the feedback I receive at school/from his tutors. Now, him doing homework is a low point in both our days. I literally dread it and wonder if anyone can advise me on what I can do to improve things. I’m not a Tiger Mum. He has oodles of time every day to do what he wants to do: looking up prank videos on You Tube, gaming, playing football. He sees a lot of his friends and I take him on outings e.g. to car shows because he loves them. In other words, I think he has a really nice life. I also try rewarding him for good effort (Match Attax cards; special outings) but when he knows he’s performed badly after one of our rows he volunteers to give up rewards of his own bat. I’ve also spoken to him very honestly about schools i.e. how he’s got to try his hardest to get into these schools as he’ll be up against lots of boys who’ve been privately educated. I’ve also said that that this might well mean he doesn’t get into some of the schools we apply to but all I ask is that he does his best. The aim of this is to emphasis effort over achievement but maybe I’ve scared him off?? I’ve also discounted some schools I’ve visited as the children there seemed too academic and humourless (he loves to have a laugh). He, himself, wants to go to a good school but the way we’re going I can’t see it happening I’ve no doubt that should that happen he’ll be devastated. I feel I really have to get him into a good school as I can’t bear more years of this sort of thing i.e. pushing him at home; I need the school to do it for my sanity and the sake of our relationship. For context, I’m a single mum who had a challenging, working class upbringing but got myself through university (six years of it) and am now a high earning professional. His childhood is so privileged and peaceful compared to mine which I think also infuriates me when he makes such little effort.