5 year old son will not behave at school

[Dextadog666]

So, my first born DS will be 6 this year .
He has been at school a little over a year now - although we did move him from a large school with 44 in reception to a small village school of 5 in his class. (classes are mixed I.e. reception (5) + Year 1 (9) total class of 14. Reason we moved him was due to class size and just not getting support from the school.

He is bright, intelligent and very loving/caring.
Because he borders on hyperactive he has been seen twice (once at 2 years and once at 4 1/2) by Senco who on both occasions have confirmed there is nothing wrong with him - he is a typical boy, who is immature/impulsive and does lack attention/focus but would grow out of it.

He had bilateral grommets fitted 2015 and one has just come loose since he had a perforated ear drum in Dec so now has tinnitus. He is awaiting a consultants appointment and his behaviour has deteriorated since this.
We moved, he changed schools and now has a baby brother to contend with so lots of changes have happened.

I get called into school regular for his 'couldn't care less' attitude, constantly messes around unless it's something he enjoys like space or science. He Disrupts the others in the class, not by being aggressive - but just acting like the class clown.
Everyone else has class Dojo points all the schools seem to be using now but have stopped using it with DS as it is ineffective.

Yesterday I got called in as he had smeared his own poo on the toilet cubicle sides and when he was told off he just laughed.

He argued with another teacher in the playground and has started swearing on an off - which he doesn't hear at home.

It is just pretty constant - never does as he is told, gets sent out of class regularly (like several times daily for not listening) but this has no effect either.

We are at our wits end - the school are being great but I am struggling to know what to do with him.
We do the usual - removing toys/privileges, this might work one day but not the next. Any advice? Please say we are not alone in this.
:-(

You're not alone. Its infuriating, embarrassing, flaberghasting, exhausting and at times all consuming. My little boy isnot so little now. Hes 13 and has various diagnosis. He is also settled and calm at school.

How is he at home?

I am quite surprised that they confirmed there's nothing wrong with him at age 2 and 4.
My ds was seen by paed at 2, but they said it was inconclusive. They couldn't find anything that strongly determines that he has condition at that stage, but they cannot say there's nothing wrong with him yet.

As he has had hearing problems in the past it might be worth seeing if he can be re referred to audiology for a hearing test. Not hearing can affect behaviour. Whilst you are at it ask for a referral to the community paediatrian.
Also go back to SENCO. They need to look at strategies re behaviour especially smearing. Request educational psychologist. You might not get it but request.
How was behaviour at the last school and at home

He's pretty good at home, usual sibling rivalry with his 18 mth old brother but mostly is kind and loving with him. It takes him a while to do things sometimes but we have a marble jar and for each good thing he does, he gets a marble. When the jar is full he picks a treat like the park or swimming.

Interesting, my dd has had repeated ear infections since starting preschool. She becomes much worse when she is getting an infection. Her behaviour was awful just before half term and lo and behold now have ear infection with burst drums..
They always precipitate suddenly in the evening when you cant see a gp. Weve had at least 4 burst drums in 18m.
The gps never can see the infection so we were often sent away and last year she got very ill with a fever for weeks on end.
If you look there is information on how ear problems can temporarily cause adhd.
Its really frustrating as nhs truly isnt 24h. Nhs 111 wouldnt tell me where to go or give me an appt. they ended up calling back 5h later. Despite dd being in excruciating pain. And with nurofen she had gone to sleep. So now we have another burst drum as by the time we saw a gp at 9:30am it burst i think about 2pm. So possibly could have been saved if we had seen someone at say 11pm.

Do you or dp have asthma/allergies?

I find dd gets ear infections after having croup.

It's certainly possible the inattention at school starts because they cant hear well with so many kids about.

We punish strictly eg by taking favourite toy away. And use reward charts. However its hard to combat the impulsive nature.

Also with the croup and having a nighttime cough its possible dd has asthma which can be linked to adhd.

I think some kids need more supervision than they get at school.

Possibly they just dont feel well. I certainly dont as i keep getting the colds too.

Hes just had a pead hearing test and he has moderate hearing loss in his left ear. He is textbook for all the behaviors of glue ear - albeit them extreme. Just waiting to hear from the consultant to what happens next.
Even though his behaviour was better with his grommets and now has deteriorated with one not working - they wont jump in and put him another grommet in. Apparently they used to do that but have to try other things first.

So a simple consistent rewards system works effectively at home. That's a massive bonus.

I would ask for weekly meetings at school to review things (this can just be 10 mins at pick up), a home school book so you can get a full picture of every school day and have a record of behaviours that can be used down the line with community paediatricians and educational psychologist's.

I would ask for a consistent reward system to be put in place. Class dojo systems can range from fantastic to very vague. My youngest gets desperately frustrated with the dojo system used in her class - it's desperately inconsistent. She feels the best way to get points is to be on the cloud (very naughty) one day then just behave normally the next and you get loads. Not something I'd want her to learn.

With DS1 the rewards were broken down into very small manageable tasks and targets. These were things like going into class and hanging coat on peg, using manners to say good morning and acknowledge staff and pupils, staying on task (for each short task) going out to play nicely, playing nicely, coming in from play nicely. DS had to score himself and his TA also did a score (he was a little older and that would probably be a little complex for a yr 1. However he could be given a marble and get to put it in the tube/ jar himself so theres an action for good behaviour.

I would ask the SENCO for your DS to have an Individual Education Plan (IEP) with clear targets. He is receiving differentiated learning already if they're excluding him from the class rewards system.

We're so frustrated as his teacher has said to us and him that his writing is the best in class - when he applies himself. His reading is pretty good too. He is great in conversation but when they have to apply it in writing he struggles.
I am waiting for an app with Senco & his GP to see if there is any other way we can help him. When he's good he's golden but when he's having a bad day its pretty bad, angry, unreasonable. He never has meltdowns. He's never really tantrummed. Just low level bad behavior at school. Struggles to play with more than 2 people at a time. Struggles with authority. Yet we're sat here playing niceley and butter wouldn't melt!

Does he sensory seek? I'm wondering whether with the poo smearing its a sensation seeking thing. If you mentally disassociate from the adult understanding of what it actually is the texture and warmth etc could be quite pleasant.

Does he chew pencils/ pens, twiddle his hair, twist loose strands of cotton on clothes?

Some people have success with chewlery as a form of self soothing that helps to calm a child from and can reduce low level disruptive behaviour if they're feeling calmer. If you've not come across it, its essentially teething chew type toys for older children.

Alternatively a fidgit toy like a textured squishy ball that he could stretch and squish to help him stay focused.

No he doesn't sensory seek - the poo episode is the first time this has happened. He doesn't wipe very well and decided it would be a good idea to use the wall.
I have a meeting at the school after half term to discuss best options to help him. So 😟 worried.

He's your gorgeous boy. Just remember the sitting nicely butter wouldn't melt moments. They're real.

You're onto this, what ever it is. You're determined to push to help him. You will, with polite gentle pressure and a fair bit of determination get him what ever support he needs, be it a phase, pure boredom through lack of being stretched or a developmental condition. It's the great advantage of being an articulate parent.

Worrying comes with the job. I always anticipated at 5 it'll be easier, then 10, then at secondary. It's just different at every phase. Wouldn't change it for the world though.

This might be helpful www.ndcs.org.uk/family_support/glue_ear/index.html#contentblock8. You might already be in touch with them . Has he been referred to a teacher for the hearing impaired. They can advise school. They aren't just for deaf children but the threshold will vary from area to area

Thanks for everyone who has commented. I know it's so easy to label kids these days but I know I'm doing the right thing trying to get more help. I just want my happy little boy back. I'm going to request his audiogram next week and discuss what he can and cant hear. I'm under no illusions though and know it's not all down to his ear. We'll just have to wait and see what happens next.

DH had a head injury 9 years ago and 1 result was tinnitus. Initially it was debilitating as he couldn't sleep, think, relax. It drove him nuts. It could be that this is contributing to your sons problems? Our daughter has glue ear and grommets but this isn't causing any issues. Make sure the teacher is aware of any hearing issues in case he needs to sit nearer the front etc.
Good luck!

You are not alone. Things are miles better for us, now aged 8. Erm.... SENCOs are not qualified to diagnose medical conditions. Ask the GP to refer to Community Paediatrics which might take months, anyway - if things have improved by then - great - if not the ball is already rolling.

My DS (also 5) can be like this - he's fine for us at home but finds it hard to focus at school, we've had several meetings about low level disruptions etc. He's been referred to audiology and also occupational health, they've both said he's fine. He's young in the year, so I personally think he'll get better at sitting still and focussing as he gets older. We have a home/school book as well, so we and the school can both write things he's done that are particularly good/bad, and that seems to have helped.

And myoriginal, I'm not sure that's tremendously helpful...

Yes that sounds very much like my DS - he's generally good out of school - always good to get out and burn his energy off as he loves being outdoors. We've been den building up the chase today - he loved it!

Myoriginal3.....what on earth makes you think that? If your trolling you can scroll on as you won't get a rise out of me. I came on here for parents in same/similar situations to discuss experienes and tips. Thanks to everyone else for their comments

www.friendshipcircle.org/blog/2015/04/27/6-facts-about-fecal-smearing-that-you-need-to-know/