Could any teachers give tips on how to improve this piece of writing?

[RueDeWakening]

DD is preparing for the 11+, she's 9 and in year 5. Today she's spent 30 minutes producing a piece of descriptive writing about visiting a deserted house, I've reproduced it below. The spelling and punctuation are hers, but I haven't included her self corrections eg the bits she wrote then crossed out.

Any pointers on how she could improve this gratefully received! Length, content, anything. Thanks.

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As I steadily trudged up the long, winding lane with sand squelching under my shoes, I looked up and saw a towering building looming over me. Steadying my nerves, I strode up to the front door and pushed the rusty slab of metal open, then winced as the creak echoed round the empty room. I looked up and saw that all that was holding the building up were some rotten old timbers that looked as though they had been attacked by an army of wood-eating bees. I looked around and realised that there was a second floor.

Cauciously, I placed my foot on the top step. At least the stairs were safe. As I continued up the piled-up chunks of wood, I had the steadily growing suspicion that I was not alone...

When I got to the top step, I spotted an empty wardrobe with the doors swinging open; a towering bookcase I could swear were taller than the house; a moth bitten rug chucked carelessly on the floor; a spooky wind that was either a ghost or my imagination...and a bed. But it wasn't the bed that scared me. It was the person in the bed...

She was as warty as a toad, with a long pointed nose and a spired hat. And then I saw the broom-stick. And the jars of twinkling dust with labels like "Spell To Turn People Into Frogs." and "Spell to make you Purple." She was sitting on the bed talking to someone, I could see that now. She raised her nose in the air and sniffed.

"I smell someone. Whoever they are, they must run now or die."

I did the sensible thing. I ran. And as I ran, It finaly dawned on me. I had made the biggest mistake of my life by entering that house. You haven't worked out why yet?

I was enemys with a witch.

Oh and she is being taught to use similes (great) but the comparisons themselves are clumsy: looked as though they had been attacked by an army of wood-eating bees. I would just take this out. 'Timbers rotting' is just as good.

Spelling mistakes - cautiously, finally

Grammar - occasional use of 'were' instead of 'was' and 'enemys with' should be 'the enemy of', really.

Thanks all - she's going to edit it today so I'll pass on a summary of the feedback and see what she comes up with.

Post what she comes up with; I would love to read it!

Seconding the suggestion to get her reading more. It is the classic formula they're drilling now, but presumably that won't hurt her particularly at 11+ Because all the kids will be doing it? My DD is younger, but I am hoping to resist the formula writing by getting her reading as much as possible. I'm not a teacher, but work with children and have a lot of contact with teachers. My understanding is that the formula writing thing has been brought in because it solves the problem of kids who struggle with ideas for creative writing. Usually the ones who struggle are the ones who aren't reading enough/enough variety.

I doubt she could read more tbh! Day 3 of half term, she's read 6 or 7 books already...and not all of them pointless drivel, either (although some clearly are - Holly Willoughby's school stories, anyone?!).

Any suggestions for reading matter also well received here!

Is she reading a lot of stuff by the same author/same genre though? That can often come through in their writing. I was banned from the What Katy Did series around this age because it was coming through in my creative writing

What kind of stuff does she enjoy at the moment?

Op, they are taught that way at school I think, here is part of my 9 yrs old writting last night(although Y4). I would be much appreciated to hear an English teacher thought please.

She's reading Percy Jackson at the moment (again!), and has read the Kane Chronicles recently too. But she reads a variety of stuff, though I guess lots of it falls under school stories or fantasy actually.

In the last month, she's read the 13-storey treehouse (and sequels), Harry Potter up to the Goblet of Fire, Percy Jackson 1-5, Kane Chronicles 1-3, the 2nd Percy Jackson series (only the first 2 so far), School for Stars series, some Roald Dahl, some David Walliams, Horrible Science, Horrible Histories, Murderous Maths, Secret Breakers, the Tiffany Aching Discworld books, Artemis Fowl...there's probably more but that's what's in her reading log for school!

TBF though she's willing to give most stuff a go - she's ploughed through Little Women, really enjoyed Five Children and It and other E Nesbit books, loved Ballet Shoes and other Noel Streatfeild...she's quite eclectic.

OP I don't have anything to add on the writing (though I'm interested to see it) but had to comment as she's reading almost identical stuff to my dd1. Eclectic is certainly the word

spellings: finally, cautiously and enemies - might be more but I just did a quick check!

Also she should include different sentence types in her writing, not just statements. For example, exclamation sentences (they must begin with what or how and have an ! at the end). Also commands and question sentence types are things that are assessed now.

She is using some subordinating conjunctions which is also something that teachers look for when assessing.

Not an English teacher so if anyone says what I am about to say is irrelevant take notice of them.

As a non marking reader I was annoyed by a couple of bits " sand squelching under my shoes" - sand doesn't squelch and why was there sand in the lane.

';Noticing a second floor' I thought the timbres were all rotten? What happened tot he first floor? Then suddenly she is on the last step, wouldn't she be cautious on the first step?

But that's because I wanted to continue reading, it's the start of a good story.